It’s been two years

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It’s been two years since I last posted.  Wow. I stopped a few months after some legal issues involving one of my siblings started and it’s still ongoing, geez.  I wanted to give people an update. My SO and I moved out of the hell house a year ago and got away from our terrible room mates.  It was a relief.  Granted we live paycheck to paycheck now.  But no more dealing with disgusting room mates with hidden cameras and roof leaks with water running down our walls.  Oh and living a year and a bit with no hot water was awful. I have nice hot water now.

Since 2012 and arriving in the UK I have felt very unwell. I felt unwell as a child and started having muscle aches as a teen that never stopped. I can’t say I’ve known a day without some sort of pain since I was young. In 2013 amist the FIL drama I began a diary that I wrote in occasionally.  It’s sole purpose was to remind me of things I forget. The year previous I felt like I was having severe memory loss. I still have that feeling three years later.  Back in 2006 I felt I had what was PTSD during a few years of my ex husband’s parents terrorizing me personally and in court for over a year. Slowly I felt I recovered.  However I feel that being trapped with my (new) FIL here feeling helpless, abused, terrified all hours of the day caused the PTSD to come back. Even when I felt I had PTSD before my inlaws did not live with me, the abuse wasn’t constant.  Here the stress, door slamming, being scared to even leave the room to use the toilet was everyday.  Everyday for 2.5 years I was terrorized.

The year we lived with stinky and fatty roommates my health got worse.  Standing to take a shower was tiring.  When we moved out and into our new place I started having dizzy spells, micro black outs and nausea all the time. My latest job was abusive and I still am owed 500.  When others got breaks, I was not given one nor was it arranged for someone to take over my station.  The pay for my untaken breaks were deducted from my paycheck.  When I put in my notice the boss called to harrass me then try to lure me back in to stay at least a month longer so I would have a longer notice period to put in once my six month probation period ended.  I was bullied by other members of statff who would touch me inappropriately and keep doing it after I told them to stop. One staff member would call me stupid, refuse to train me, shove me constantly  all for 8 hours a day. (this person also got mad and burned another previous employee with a hot pan). I was told this is just the way these people are, nothing can be done about it.

I quit this job and have been jobless since.  I had to wait six months for a specialist appointment but finally I saw a doctor and found out I have fibromyalgia. I have found a natural remedy to get rid of the migraines thankfully. I would have nausea inducing migraines all day for about a month at a time with so much neck stiffness. Things would be ok for about a week then the migraine would come on again. I still get them but they are easier to get rid of.  Everyday I felt stupid though. My brain doesn’t function properly. Somedays I just stare at the wall. I can’t stand for more than 2 minutes at a time before I start sweating, knees shake, I feel naseous and dizzy.  There are a lot more symptoms. But I feel like I could try to ignore the pain if it wasn’t for the standing, headache and stupidity this gives me.

I have learned that PTSD and abuse sufferers brains change with the abuse. Over the last four years I have been having flashbacks in an increasing amount.  It used to be around 20-30ish times a day.  I would relive a moment and feel the same raw emotions of when it happened.  Now it happens as soon as I wake up in the morning and doesn’t stop. I would say I have at least 300ish intrusive feelings, flashbacks etc. the last two years.  Something has to change I am so exhausted.  I’ve noticed even things that should be pleasant are awful.  For instance I thought yesterday about a band I used to like.  I thought to myself I should listen to their songs again as it will bring pleasure. Instantly I felt the same feeling I have when I’m scared.  This uneasy scared feeling.  That’s not normal.

One of the things that really bothered me about my fibro is that I felt unwell most of my life but it really ramped up and truth be told I was scared of what it could be.  Could it be cancer? Because my family has been mostly excommunicated from eachother I never knew most of my family’s medical history.  I wrote my sister in law asking her to have my brother write down some family medical issues (he knew my dad’s side of the family, I never met them) pertaining to muscle issues (I have constant muscle spasms), etc. etc. Yeah they’ll do that. Nine months later and nothing. Literally they don’t care I”m having health issues and don’t want to take ten minutes to write info down.  Thankfully from a brief contact with my dad before he died I learned he had CRPS which is on the same spectrum.  Which at some point this fibro may turn into that. I am not looking forward to it.  I spoke on the phone briefly to my brother before emailing and asking these questions about legal stuff going on.  I told him about my sister taking nude photos of me when I was younger. Didn’t care. Infact he invited her to his place for the holidays.

 

You know I read that if you have at least one family member or person you could run to and could comfort you as a child you are more likely to learn how to self soothe and comfort yourself.  I literally had no one as a child. No parent, family or sibling. I have no self soothing mechanism.  I’m rambling. But I guess my reason for updating this is to let people know that abuse from whomever – parents, Narcs, PA people even over a couple of years can take a physical toll on you. I will never be the same again.

 

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To delete or not to delete

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I can’t really go into details but the guardian ad litem for my mother’s case has unknowingly supplied information that someone who has been bothering me since 2002 can easily obtain. Not really sure what to do with my blog anymore. I’ve deleted most of my accounts in other places (support forums etc) but my posts are not erased and most things remain cached. What was anonymously posting about my life of abuse can now be readable by this person.  I have kept quiet for a very long time and it was probably stupid to begin talking about this where privacy doesn’t exist even anoymously. Deleting this will likely keep it cached as well and I don’t want to delete it. Not sure what to do really. 

Privacy violated

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I’m a bit pissed today. I’ve had my new email account for almost two years. I had to make a new one years ago so that if my ex hacked my account (has happened before) that he wouldn’t read much of interest. I get a mail in my box today, my email address has been passed on. When my brother emailed me weeks ago he needed my address so the lawyer could send documents about the case involving mom being sent to a psychiatric home. I was reluctant to give my address then and explained to him why. He said it would be fine and couldn’t be helped. He said he would give the lawyer my address directly. So I gave it to him then on the phone he says that he will have to call our sister back and give her the address because she’s been calling basically every 15minutes for it. Okay…but you just said… I mean I realise my address will be known because copies of this legal document will be sent around to all parties, but my email address as well? There is no need for that. 

Some people would say, oh it’s just your email address – if something comes just don’t open it, send it to spam mail. Yeah for normal folks. For people who have admitted to hiring private investigators to find your wareabouts in the past… yeah, it’s a bit more complicated. Now there are cyber snoopers. So now, yet again I get to change my email address and relink all my accounts. And what about forum postings? Posts that anonymously talk about my life and abuse? Stuff that talk about my daily life? I don’t want her reading these. It’s like giving her ammo. And no, this account isn’t linked to any email addresses that anyone knows. I just feel burdened, frightened, irritated…. and mostly tired of it all. And one might say, oh just wait to see if anything happens. You clearly have never been around something like her. Likely she’s been up all night trying to find out all she can based on my email. 

And I’m just mad. There was an incident yesterday and the day before that just left me pretty upset and the other incident shaken all day. I wake up feeling better today, finally. Then this shit. It is sad to say but I don’t want anything else to do with my brother. We have a non existent relationship as it is, it’s always me that has to call and use my dime so to speak when I don’t have many dimes to spare. I can’t and don’t discuss my problems here, our relationship is really superficial. There is no family support. I send the nephews cards and postcards. I never hear if they got them. I used to send gifts but again never would hear if they got them. Last time the boys had their birthday I tried to think about what to write in their cards. For days. It felt impersonal to just sign it and I always write something in people’s cards. But I couldn’t think of anything – my nephews and I don’t have a relationship. I ended up sending the cards late. (then extra late as the post office sent them back and I had to remail.) I’m just a stranger sending cards. I thought it is important to keep sending cards to them no matter what so they at least have that – an extended family member who remembers. There really isn’t a point anymore. I’ve never had a family and I’ve been pretty much alone for the last 17 years officially. There is a good reason. There is no respect. I only wanted one thing and that was my privacy so I could feel a little bit safe. But no. The only thing I ask for has been violated. 

Not Your Kind of People

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I had to reblog this: Perfectly explained…

Cherilyn Christen Clough

If you’re an empathetic person, you could easily become the target of a toxic narcissist. This is not your fault, but awareness can help you avoid such pitfalls. When it comes to supplying their needs narcissists know there is no one more likely to keep feeding them than an empathetic person.

Empathetic people have been known to put their own bills on hold to pay for someone else and if that someone else is not holding down a job, they are probably a narcissist.

The narcissist has a victim mentality. The boss didn’t like them, so they fired them. The landlord didn’t like the way they decorated with spray paint and graffiti, so they asked them to leave. They would pay their bills, but they can’t find a decent job—decent being relevant to their ego’s demands. Besides why work when you can get people to work for you?

Crow

An empathetic person who has…

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Maggots…good gravy.

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I’ll start the post with some irksomeness. I mean after all this is my dedicated place to rant, right?  As I was making DH dinner last night I thought I’d sweep the floors. It was only a few days ago I did it, but the floors get nasty fast in here. As I am sweeping I see something on the floor. I bend down… and it’s wiggling. Yes, a f-ing maggot. I kid you not. I thought maybe this is why there has been a strange death stank in the house. Maybe something crawled under the house and died? So I sweep it up and go to toss it outside. And I pass by the bins which slob roommate has put out in the backyard now instead of just keeping them in the front yard. I open the bin. God, why did I even do that. Maggots everywhere inside! All over the top of the lid inside. As I type this my head feels like something is crawling on my scalp. The same reaction I get when I hear someone has head lice…. 0_0

This is the general garbage bin. We have a separate food waste bin in the kitchen but slobmate has been having people over and they keep putting their food waste in the regular bin along with their recyclables. So, since slobmate moved the bins to the back porch randomly I had to drag the bin through the house and out to the front. Maggots falling everywhere. That’s what I did yesterday. Swept maggots. And they will only get bigger as the bin will sit there till Monday. In the bin on the top is a cardboard box. Which again should go in the recyclable bin. So someone put that box in the bin, saw the maggots and said NOTHING about it and probably shut the bin and got tiny maggots knocked onto them and carried them into the house. EWWW! 

So that made me a bit irritated yesterday. The mystery stink is still upstairs.  I threw thick bleach on the toilet grout in there last night and left it. Someone has pissed on the floor in there in the past and I’m tired of the piss stank. That however isn’t the horri-bad stank we’ve been smelling. So, who knows. 

In other annoying news, the trio of bitches who made DH and I’s life miserable in an online community we were active in have noticed our disappearance – because quite frankly I’m at my limit for dealing with people with mental illnesses that get their jollies off on causing you misery. Well he told me last night the three of them have sent him skype invites. I have had them blocked for some time so I won’t have to hear from them. That just brought up bad memories and made me crabby last night. 

Talky roommate came down and tried to bait me I think and get me further worked up. I swear. Thankfully he is at work today. I can make dinner and go back upstairs before he comes home and goes to bed.

In better news I got a call today about a cleaning job. The hours are alright, the pay well… better then nothing. The company is fairly big so hopefully they won’t dick me on stuff. The agency that called me today was one I had a run around with several months ago. So I’m not going to get too excited right now. I’ll wait and see what happens and if they decide to hire me. DH has been putting in extra hours at work so that when he gets paid the check will be decent. 

I’ve been working on the garden here. I have nothing planted because well, no money for that right now. But I figure until then I can get the place cleaned up, weeded and fix things. First things first. DH and I take loads of junk and debri to the dump each weekend. The yard is slowly looking like a normal yard. 🙂 I will post before and after pictures once we have plants in.

I was looking again for volunteer opportunities and found one…but wasn’t what I thought it was. I really want to help people in domestic violence/abuse. The opportunity was to help the offender. No, I want to help the victim. Simply hanging out with an offender and talking with them is not going to do much good. I know some may think I’m heartless. But the reasons they inflict abuse on someone cannot be solved by befriending them. So, I will look elsewhere. Once everything is settled with our lease I will go to the council and see about getting some loan equipment for picking up trash. The town I live in is kinda trashy in parts and I’m tired of looking at it. As long as they will collect the bags and loan me gear I’m happy to go nuts for a few hours a week and pick it up. It really is an eyesore and brings the whole place down a notch.

Meh

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As a sad but humorous addition to the last post about the poop place – I recently visited a Polish deli in town and saw that an employment agency was advertising the same job at poop place for 6.19 which is less than minimum wage. I checked the employment agency website for the job and there is absolutely no sign of it on there. Of course not because it’s illegal! DH said he wants to put on a fake Polish accent and ask them about the job then when they say it only pays the 6.19 to tell them they are scum in his regular accent. I can’t blame him, I think about it myself. 

Things here are pretty Ok. There has been more drama with my family and my mom but I’m not going to post about that because quite frankly I’m a bit scared to. I don’t want a certain family member finding this. So I will avoid it for now. Regardless now I have to disclose this legal proceeding and something that was done to me on my visa application. I honestly wish I could divorce my family. Being no contact with several members – 17 years and 6 years – you’d think I’d just be left out of all this. Nope.

An immigration bill was passed this month. They are having non EU people that don’t have permanent residency pay a levy for health care now. I would be affected but not sure if I’ll be charged due to already paying for my last visa before this change. So hopefully there will not be a charge, we are pretty broke as it is. I don’t want our counselling sessions interfered with. We have about 11 more days of having little money for food. Oh the joys of moving on low wages and DH starting a job and not getting paid for a month. Next month we should be Ok though. 

Still no word from jobs. I amused myself and applied for a job last week somewhat related to my old career field. They said they’d get back to everyone within three days. Not counting the bank holiday the rejection day should be today. No one would hire me for a 20-30k job here. But might as well give myself a laugh once in awhile. 

The roommates are still … slobby. One only showers about once a week and stinks up the house with pit BO. I’m not sure how to even begin to discuss that. DH and I keep our door shut and light incense. The same one has been trapping me in hour(s) worth of conversations you can’t escape from about everything Anti-American. I like talking about differences in countries and politics but if I mention anything that the British are doing that is wrong or annoying I get cut off and talked over about America this and that. It’s annoying. I avoid this person now to the best of my ability. They work long hours so it isn’t too hard. That’s just part of the annoyances. This person also questions everything you are doing. I may have mentioned this previously, I can’t remember. Are you painting something? Why are you doing it like that? Making lemonaide? Why are you using still/tap water instead of fizzy? Why… why…? For… everything. 

Second roommate has been having his girlfriend over which he has confessed to having some sort of mental illness and she is on several types of meds for it. So who knows how severe it is. This guy cooks to try to impress her I guess, then invites others over and then leaves the kitchen a wreck. Sink full of dishes. Guess who is getting to wash most rounds of these? Me to the greater extent, DH a little, roommate very little. One day I washed all his dishes, went out shopping came home and he had come home and cooked again and the sink was full. I had not even got to cook a meal in between them being clean! This is the hoarder roommate btw. I despair. At least it’s cheap rent right? At least it’s not at the ogre’s house right? Right.

So there are downsides to it all. Right now it’s the mysterious moldy rotten meat smell that appeared last night in the house for no reason. Your guess is as good as mine. 

 

Poop place

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I called the poop place. I told them about the job ad with the differing pay. At first they claimed they never posted it. Then said they would call me back. Then they claimed that they must have posted the ad and I quote “8 or 9 years ago.” Then said they would only pay me the minimum wage. I was asked if I want the job or not. I said that I have not had time to have the contract looked over by another and no thank you. (There were also errors in the contract as well anyway – like the quit notice times – one page says one week then later in says two weeks in writing etc.)

 

Sad thing is – No one would have paid that much for the job 8 or 9 years ago.

And…. the website which it was published on – which is a club for a certain immigrant in a nearby town- the club wasn’t founded until the end of 2009 it says. I’m sure they didn’t get their website up immediately either, so the guy was lying. Pathetic. 

Ah well, dealing with fecal matter all day which no protective gear supplied probably not a good thing anyway. I’ll find something else.