Good News/Bad News

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Good news: Ogre has left today for a week in France! DH and I made a nice dinner!

Bad news: Car is “fixed” or was. DH drove it to work and it broke down about 7am this morning. The exhaust fell off, then a coil issue now the radiator has a leak… garage couldn’t fix it today, I hope it will be fixed tomorrow. DH has missed over a weeks worth of work now because of all this not to mention the cost of all these repairs. Basically financially with lack of pay and expenses its like almost a months pay. Can’t ever seen to get ahead. 😦

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May have itching down below…

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More random ranting. This is what my posts are turning into it seems…

Horrifying title enough for you? Thank this months issue of Tesco magazine.  They have an article in there about the warning signs of diabetes. They mention that one might have “itching down below”. As the ogre has diabetes and never washes his damn hands… eww. Touching door knobs around here just got grosser. 

Speaking of gross, DH has come to this conclusion… finally. He told me the other day that he knows the ogre doesn’t use toilet paper to wipe his ass. Why? Because there is never TP in the toilet of diarrhea the ogre leaves for us several times a day. I told him I could have guessed that based on the fact my late MIL said something about the ogre always having skid marks and would yell at her for using “too much” toilet paper. Ick.

Ogre threw out a can of my Thorntons hot chocolate mix. Was a gift from DH as it is a bit expensive and he knows I like it. Ogre dumped it in the green bin. We found the empty can in the kitchen this morning. 😦 

Random grossness… ogre takes out family size ham to cook. He boils it and manages not to eat it in two sittings. He lets it sit on the counter for about three days where it begins stinking and turned gray. It looked like zombie flesh… 

DH had his therapy appointment. It was his intake but the therapist has extended the intake to include the next appointment as well because of so much stuff that was talked about concerning the ogre in the first one that they did not cover exactly what he plans on working on. Apparently the therapist was horrified over what was told her and asked if the ogre was being treated for any mental illness at this time… DH had a break down the other night. I won’t go too much into it, but suffice to say it involves him being upset about some traits/issues the ogre has passed on to him. I told him if he does not talk to his counselor about this he could very well turn into the ogre as he got older – cold, emotionless, laughing at his own wife’s death. 

This whole trip has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I want my DH to be well and he mostly is but sitting around trying to be supportive while I’m in a crappy environment is so draining. Likely the damage the ogre did will take years to mend. I think once we are out of this environment it will help or at least speed the process up.

Still no luck on a job. I don’t get it. DH is considering leaving his job and going to another in the same field but instead of caring for old people he would be caring for young often combative people which is a bit worrisome.  DH was suppose to have completed his NVQ 2 months ago at this company and they keep canceling the classes because people won’t show up. So he gets to drive to the classes then turn around and come home. Found out his work is also withholding his bank holiday pay for every holiday now. Apparently they cash you out with the bank holiday pay when you quit, which makes me think the company is keeping it in an account somewhere (they are paid by the county) to accrue interest to benefit the company. DH’s work still called 4 times on his weekend off to ask him to come in even though he told them his car was undriveable and going into the shop on Monday… I’ve about had it with the continuous phone calls all night and on his days off from this place. 

In better news, car is fixed we think. Had to take it into the shop three times in three weeks. First the exhaust fell off then the car started stuttering all the time. Shaking you like a rag doll even when idle. So, that’s been a bit expensive… but at least it’s fixed now, hopefully. 

 

 

Misc Rants

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I haven’t written in awhile – not much has changed though. We shifted a lot of things around the room along with building a new shelf (board from broken computer desk + bricks) and brought DH’s computer up. He is back to sleeping up here again. The first few nights he slept up here really annoyed me. I did not realize just how much he continually wakes me up during the night and that I don’t actually get a restful nights sleep! It’s just one of those things we will have to put on hold and solve later. It is not possible with the ogre to actually sleep separate and have some time alone without it being a problem. DH was I don’t want to say having a break down but a bit of a freak out that he couldn’t make a bowl of cereal in the morning before work and sit there and eat it without being harassed by the ogre.

I have a bit of good news and bad… DH put in for his holiday and had a week off. Although we are on the outs it was nice spending time together. The ogre was gone most of the day during that as well.  Bad news is… even though DH had his phone off for most of it when it was on his work called him no less than three times a day asking him to come in and work. Finally he gave up and canceled the rest of his holiday.  He has two weeks holiday left but it does not look like he will be able to take it as he only has November to take it (employees not allowed to take any in Dec) and apparently his work is falling apart. People walking out midshift, branches closing due to violations etc. His branch has many violations a week and we wonder when it too will close and he will be out of a job. So needless to say he is pissed and stressed about it and so am I. There is a lot more rotten things going on… but as this blog is just for PA crap I’ll skip it. 

The ogre is still not flushing the toilet. Now he has gone to putting the lid down and leaving it in there. What kind of a person does that? Who really wants to punish people by making them see their clumpy diarrhea everyday, sometimes multiple times a day? It takes a really sick person.

The ogre is still on a spending spree. DH and I got a Lakeland catalog (lots of cool kitchen gadgets/baking stuff) and I was flipping through it one day and said jokingly, “I want one of everything, no three even!” Joking aside, that is the ogre’s life. He buys two and three of everything and never uses them. The kitchen is almost now decked out and ready for show when his guests arrive, but who gives a shit if you have like 3 blenders?? 

Let’s see before DH brought his computer up he was sitting down at the dining room table and the ogre comes in. The ogre makes a big show of bringing boxes of light bulbs in and inspecting the lamp chandelier thing. DH told me and we couldn’t figure out what he was doing as none of the lights were blown out. We later figured it out. He was taking out the old still working bulbs and throwing them away because they were clear. He wanted bulbs that were white colored on the outside. Again, I don’t think his future dinner party guests will give a shit or even notice.

The ogre has ripped out most of his flowers and replanted them. That’s what he does, he buys plants and doesn’t take care of them just buys new ones. He bought all new indoor plants two weeks ago and they’ve all died again. I imagine there will be another round of plants bought before he has his dinner party.

The ogre has taken to collecting everything of DH’s that was downstairs by his computer and storage bins and placing them on the table. He’s not said a word to DH about it but it’s been stacked there over a week now.  We do NOT have room for any of that upstairs… so I have no idea what to do with the stuff. As it is now you have to climb on the bed and exit from another side to get to other parts of the room because there isn’t walking room. Anyway, the ogre has taken to putting his stuff in piles and has things like dirty folded up paper towels on top of the pile for him to take up….wtf?

I had the pleasure of meeting the ogre in the hallway as I finished making dinner the other night. He was gone and came home just as I was exiting the kitchen. He would not go about his business but rather I had to walk right by him and go up the stairs to the bedroom with him standing at the bottom of the stairs with that glare on his face watching me the entire time. Creep.  

DH was in a foul mood last night. He came home from work after 10 and made some microwaveable wontons (or whatever they were, some asian food we found on the just expiring food discount rack for .30) It wasn’t much to eat and he was still hungry. He waiting forever to go make them – listening to make sure the ogre was not in the kitchen so he could try to avoid it. As soon as he goes down for the five minutes it takes the ogre hears someone coming down the stairs and immediately questions DH what he is doing. DH was so worked up last night over the ogre bugging him in the kitchen and the fact that he was still hungry and DH didn’t want to run into him again so he said F it. I told him I would go down and get him a bowl, spoon and glass of milk so he could have cereal at least. (we keep the cereal in the room so the ogre doesn’t eat it up) I come back up and he eats the cereal then we look in the cup I brought the milk up in. It was a coffee cup. I don’t use the regular glasses because the ogre will use them and find it acceptable to just rinse the glass out and never put any soap on it or wash where his lips have been. (Which I’ve seen lots of people do that here, maybe it’s a British thing. God, who knows.) So, those glasses are never safe. The coffee mug however apparently had been washed previously in the dishwasher. 

I don’t know why the dishwasher is even used. Most of the dishes come out dirtier than when they went in.  When the ogre (although rarely) puts the dishes away from there he never looks to see if they are clean. So this mug had shit all inside of it – the left over milk had a bunch of shit floating in it. Then I get mad at myself. Because I should have known better. I can’t just grab a cup or bowl or plate here without two things going through my mind – did the ogre wash this (another horror story in itself) or is this from the dishwasher where it will have shit stuck on it?

Overall I have been feeling a lot less stressed (although it is creeping back) the last two weeks. I think some of it is because DH was off work. As soon as he comes home for lunch or when he gets home in the evening he immediately starts on about every little piece of his day. Every interaction every stressful thing… and this is within two minutes of coming in. This goes on well into the night. He’ll remember things and bring them up. I like hearing about his day but it’s like a tidal wave of stress then I have to deal with the stress from the ogre. I told DH last year when he was taking care of his mom that I couldn’t handle hearing about every little thing his dad did it was stressing me out too much. He took total offense to it and was pissy. So now I just let me off load it all on me. I wish there was a happy medium.

DH is going to his first therapy appointment tonight. I doubt he will tell the counselor all the issues. Is that bad of me to say that? Considering he couldn’t even tell the GP who made the referral exactly what the real issue was. One of the things he is going for is a disgusting compulsion I can tell he got from the ogre.  We were watching Judge Judy one day on tv and a child had the same issue. She said that it wasn’t normal and something fucked up must have happened in that kids life for them to start doing that. I wonder just what caused DH to start doing those things. Whatever it is I hope it stops. I have not wanted to kiss him for almost two years now because I’m so ungodly disgusted over it. 

Sometimes I go back and read through what I write and think – my god. What a fucked up life. Then I think, oh wait 90% of my fucked up life I don’t type here. Talk about feeling pathetic.

The most expensive cake ever

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Today I rearranged the room a bit and moved furniture. DH came home for lunch and was impressed! Well, I was with my ex PA husband for 11 years… I’ve become quite good at doing things myself and moving heavy furniture alone. I may not move it the quickest, but it gets moved! So, I made a little more room? I think? It’s hard to tell really. Right now we are going to try to plan on bringing DH’s computer upstairs but the room has only one plug! Not the standard two plugs in a wall socket, but only one! It’s complicated, getting a long extension cord is unfortunately not the complete solution to the problem. 

We figure that we should try to bring up his computer before this dinner party happens. We don’t have a desk persay to put it on, but rather a chest of drawers which will work ok… you just have to sit Indian style in a chair as there is no place for your legs… haha…*sigh* When is this dinner party? We still have no idea. But the ogre is gearing up for it. He’s probably spent about 600+ pounds on custom made curtains for the dining room. The sad thing is, they are crooked and one set on the windows is too short. Let’s not mention they are yellow in a bright pink painted room. So, I’m curious how long it takes before his dinner guests go crazy either from the ogre’s irritating personality or from the mentally disturbing wall and curtain colors and throw themselves out the dining room window to escape.  I know I’ll be listening for the sound of the window shattering! The bright pink and yellow remind me of watching movies about people who are mind controlled and hear a certain keyword that sends them on a murderous rampage. It’s like the colors bright pink and yellow… what does that do mentally to someone? Make them grab the electric ham trimmer and go to town on everyone in the room? 

Anyway, the ogre has bought all new flowers for the garden beds and all the pots lining the front of the house. I think what amuses me the most is the amount of money he pisses away on the stupidest shit. Now I know it’s his money and he can spend it the way he wants, but when you are poor and you live with someone who pisses away probably 10k a month on dumb shit and you’ve needed to visit the dentist for the last year… well it does get under your skin a bit. Apparently the man is going to make a chocolate fruit cake for his guests. Estimated with the new cake tins (2) and ingredients for the cake – the man has spent a fortune. The chocolate for the cake alone costs more than DH and I spend a week on groceries for the two of us. Estimated cost for cake tins and groceries for this one cake? Over 200 pounds. To make a fucking cake. I could get this crown looked at for that amount and fixed… Waiting to see how much he spends on the actual meal. Guarantee with desserts, food and wine it will not be under 1k for maybe 3-4 guests. Disgusting. 

 

I’m actually curious if the man is going to shape the cake in the sign of a pound sign? That would be hilarious. 

I guess the point of this post is really to talk about how overboard the ogre goes to impress people. The ogre thinks the more he spends on things the more people should like him. But don’t think just because he’s inviting people over and spending a ton of money on them that they are friends. No, I don’t think he has any true friends. Apparently the man likes talking shit about everybody. I had to attend a wake years ago when DH and I were still BF and GF. A friend of their family had died. The ogre made a twenty-ish minute speech about the dead man and managed to turn the speech around to be about himself. DH was a bit irritated over the whole thing then told me later that the ogre was “friends” with the man (was really a friend of his late wife) and the man had money troubles and was no longer able to buy rounds of drinks for people at the bar/pub. So the ogre would go on and on about what a cheap asshole the man was, stopped hanging around him and talked shit about him to people. Apparently the ogre stopped talking to him for years before the man died, yet here was the ogre with his big speech about how missed the guy was and how much of a buddy he was. 

I want to add in at the bottom of my blogs from now on – if possible – the good things that have happened that day or week to be a bit more positive.  Positive thing: The ogre was gone long enough today so that I could move furniture and actually make sound without being worried about pissing him off. I also had time to make DH and myself lunch. (which rarely happens) 

How we’ve been feeling

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I want to talk about how DH and I are doing. We are both really tired. We both feel exhausted emotionally and physically. I am struggling with my weight. I apparently gained 11 lbs in the last month. For the amount I eat and what I eat along with calorie calculation and BMR gaining that much weight is impossible. But it happens regularily. Trying to lose any sort of weight seems almost impossible. And this is coming from someone who lost 80 lbs about three years ago. Before that I had trouble struggling to lose weight too despite exercising every night and reducing calories. But like now, I was in a stressful situation. When I left my ex the weight came off with no problems. I have been reading a lot about stress, adrenal and cortisol issues and I believe that may be my problem. Until I leave here my weight is always going to be an issue. My body is in constant fight or flight response, my body thinks that I should not be losing any weight right now as it is “needed”.  It’s very frustrating.  I will continue going to the gym and exercising however.

It would help if I wasn’t having constant anxiety all the time. I’ve tried listening to music, reading, meditating etc. When I have an anxiety attack it can go on for hours. The only thing I have found to calm me is sleeping. It’s like pressing a reset button… but then for the last two years I wake up panicked. A lot of the times I can’t lay down and sleep. For example tonight – I tried to take a brief nap. In the course of almost two hours I fell asleep multiple times and was jarred back awake. Doors constantly slamming – upstairs and downstairs. Ogre making a racket in the kitchen downstairs – then starting a load of laundry (the housekeeper already came today and did all the laundry) which makes a racket as the washer jiggles out of it’s alcove and it sounds like a loud ass helicopter touching down.  I was awoken so many times with my heart racing.  (looked at the washer later – two hand towels were washed… a load for two!!)

DH has been getting 4 hours a sleep at night if he’s lucky. The ogre knows DH gets up at 5am and has to get ready and leave but ogre will not let him go to bed before 1am! Slamming doors, walking in and out of where DH’s sleeps, watching tv etc. It’s just ridiculous. Granted we are used to this anyway, but when DH is sleeping downstairs this stuff is worse. I told DH just to come sleep up in the bed again that there is no way this sleeping separate thing will work – maybe if we lived alone. DH refuses to, he says there are no boundaries in this house (true) and that he wants me to have one boundary in my life right now that is being respected. And I honestly appreciate that. Not really like there is room in the bed for him to sleep anymore because half the bed is full of junk that we’ve been waiting for the ogre to clear out long enough so we can put in the attic. Only been about 2 weeks now…

DH is skipping eating breakfast in the morning, bathing etc. From a conversation with him – he mentions that when you wake up in the morning it’s like walking on eggshells. Everything you do – opening a box of cereal etc sounds 50x’s louder than it really does. You are constantly worried that you will wake the ogre. I feel this way too. Some mornings the ogre is already up (ogre’s always hopped up on that caffeine speed pills for weight loss and roams around throughout the night and all day aimlessly) and gets in DH’s way so DH just skips breakfast.  Some mornings he’s caught the ogre coming into where he’s been sleeping – for no reason.  Other times DH has come out of the living room and finds the ogre just standing at the front door (glazed so you can’t see out the windows, so not like he was up and looking out at something in the driveway) in complete darkness staring at DH. These things are really creeping DH out.

A creepy thing that has happened. DH went into the kitchen turned on the light (he was going to make cereal) but then he ended up going into the downstairs toilet that is right next to the bathroom. He said that the ogre came down immediately turned off the kitchen light within two minutes of DH being in the toilet, then the ogre goes back upstairs to his bedroom and slams the door. It’s little ridiculous things like this… 

Another creepy example. DH will sit at his computer downstairs with his headphones on – I gave him my studio headphones so they block out everything! He will get the feeling he is being watched and glance over and out of the corner of his eyes he will see the ogre standing behind him staring at DH’s computer screen. Just standing there staring for several minutes before finally walking off.   The ogre really has DH on edge. And the time DH and I do spend together it’s discussing the ogre and what he’s done or how he has upset one of us or frightened us.

Unfortunately we still cannot afford to move out. In the last three weeks I’ve been offered two jobs and had to decline both offers. One required me to relocate hundreds of miles away, the other was about 4 hours round trip. Although I don’t mind the commute time the rail fare would have been 200 pounds a week. After taxes at the job I would have made absolutely no money or in the negatives. So, that’s really gotten me down.  If I don’t get a job within the next month it will be really hard for us to move out in March. 😦 I am really hoping a miracle will happen. A job with nice pay would be so nice… and with pay enough to put aside… because I feel that we will need to be buying another car soon. We’ve had to pay for many repairs the last year, now last week the muffler and convertor almost fell off again – it rusted through it again just like last year. That was 200 pounds, now there is an oil leak the same week that we need to get fixed… *sigh* 

Oh btw… In my post about “the peeps” about the ogre constantly staring out the window at us watching our every move? The venetian blinds in his office are actually bent/warped and fucked up now in the corner where he stares out at us. It looks like he’s just clenched the blind so hard that he’s damaged several pieces. 

Forget about the vet bill

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It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted.  The ogre is as irritating as ever – same games everyday.  Although I must mention this one – it is small and not that irritating, but an example for you to see the games you must play with this man. 

Awhile back I wrote about DH and I returning from a stay at a friend’s house and upon arriving home found that the cat had been injured. The ogre knew about it but did not take the cat to the vet so DH did and it ended up being over 200 pounds worth. About a weeks pay check. He had to jump through hoops to get his dad to pay him back for the vet bill as technically it’s not even DH’s cat and of course when the situation was brought up to the ogre he claimed he WAS going to take the cat to the vet – he was just busy playing golf… you know for a week. Never mind the cat had almost a lump on her cheek the side of her regular head that eventually burst leaving a giant hole dripping with pus… golf > living being.

Anyway… we had to take the cat to the vet again. Ogre said he would pay for the visit again and the meds. I believe the total was around 100ish pounds this time. This was a couple months ago. DH mentions the bill and the ogre tells him to leave a copy of the bill on his desk and he will write a check.  BTW, the ogre has DH’s bank info and could transfer the money into his account, but he will not. That would be easy.

So, the bill sits on his desk forever. Then it magically migrates to DH’s computer area where it has sat there ever since. No check. DH has already said forget it. He knows what will be involved with trying to get reimbursed. He will have to interact with his dad, if that isn’t torture enough – his dad will make a big production of it. Writing out the check will be a production along with handing it over. I wish I could explain how he does it, but when ogre does these things he puts on such an air like he is doing you a favor.  DH gets shitted on enough and doesn’t want to go through it for the money. I’m torn on it, we need the money although I know how the asshole is, so I can’t blame DH for just saying forget it.  

So lately the vet bill that’s been sitting by DH’s desk has been moved. It’s been pulled out from some other papers and laid on top. It actually reminds me of the ogre and the recycling pamphlet.  What point is he trying to make? He was given the bill, he said he’d write a check, he never did. The ball is in his court.  It’s like he’s trying to remind DH that he’s still not paid him back for the vet. Like he needs DH to ask him so he can put on a show and possibly turn him down for the refund or take that opportunity to bitch about something. (I say possibly because I don’t know for sure, but ogre’s done that stuff before when he was suppose to do something. It’s like a kid saying – well I didn’t do it, but look at what YOU didn’t do!!! ) So DH and I just roll our eyes.