Stop the Presses!

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Someone call the press! Notify the BBC! Call CNN! We might need to get this momentous event in print!  I could have included this in my last entry, but by god I think it warranted it’s own post.  I thought my FIL might actually make it to a full year of not saying one word to me.  (August 17th last year was the last day) But, by god he said something to me last night!

The old man ordered curry again last night from a take away place. I should say I didn’t actually see the curry, but I can assume that’s what he had based on two different observations.  First, before the delivery person came FIL although two rooms away from the front door he left both doors open so he could hear the delivery boy ring the door bell this time. (Unlike he usually does ) So perhaps that was the place he pissed off last time and they told him he better answer the door this time or they will never deliver? Well, one can dream.  Second, when I got up this morning the sink is full to the top with nasty orange greasy curry water. Sweet. So, I’d say the ogre had curry last night.

So I’m in the kitchen making DH and I dinner and the old man comes in and stands behind me.  He does this from time to time and generally says nothing.  It really makes me uncomfortable.  I can just feel the hairs on the back of my neck raise.  Usually he’ll knock his way past me, or “accidentally” bump into me to get whatever he wants if I’m in the way.  He will never say “excuse me”.  Well, he mumbled something about getting a plate and I just ignored it as he often talks to himself and tells himself out loud what he is doing.  I then hear a voice that says “excuse me”.  I almost jumped out of my skin, in fact I was so shocked I jumped out of his way, probably a good three feet.  Could he have really said something to me?  Some may say, well maybe he’ll be nice now!  Doubtful, I don’t expect it to be a regular thing nor do I see this as a turning point of him stopping being a jerk. The whole thing shocked me so much that I my stomach felt utterly queasy afterwards and my legs felt weak.

Anyway, I see FIL bought a new phone yesterday.  Not that he used his old phone.  Who would call him? Maybe he got the new phone so that the finger puppet could have his old one and they can have chats?  I do not kid, the man rarely takes it with him and every time DH has tried calling his phone in the past the man has had it turned off.  Great logic when you had an ill wife prone to having falls that result in ER trips.  In fact when MIL died, DH couldn’t even call FIL to tell him!  They had to send someone out to the golf club to tell him!

 

 

 

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Finger Puppet Friends

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Yesterday was fairly nice.  The ogre left in the afternoon and after DH came and went for lunch I decided to go to a nearby wood to get some exercise.  I did a combination of jogging/walking as I am really out of shape.  I now have around 30lbs to lose. I don’t mind walking/jogging etc.  I like being outside (well, when it’s nice out) but it is really hard for me to leave the house most days or my room.  I absolutely hate having to bump into FIL on my way out or back in.  It’s uncomfortable.  It puts my stomach into knots. My husband doesn’t even like being around him. True, he doesn’t say anything to me, but it’s the non verbal things he does if this makes sense.

I found this article that explains a bit more: Silent Treatment

The Silent TreatmentDefinition:

Silent Treatment – A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Description:

The silent treatment is a common way of displaying contempt for another individual while avoiding confrontation about that contempt or without giving the target of the contempt an opportunity to resolve the issue or dispute. The goal is typically to invoke FOGfear, obligation or guilt – in the mind of the target individual.

Generally he will stop whatever he is doing and stare at me.  He likes to give these horrible death glares, then he’ll follow it up with grumbling or mumbling to himself then either stomp off or stomp off and slam some doors.  It may sound really silly and it IS and one might say don’t let it get to you, but try living in the same house with someone and dealing with that for almost a year. It is really uncomfortable.  It’s basically someone reinforcing that they hate you on a daily basis.

Anyway, DH tried to ask for time off at the end of the month from his job so that we could spend quality time together since FIL is going to France.  And his job said… NO!  It seems four other people have requested that week off. 😦 UGH.  DH says he’d like to take a week off at a later date and I’d love that, but part of me thinks, what’s the point?  We don’t have money to go out and do anything so we’d be at home most of the time (doing hobbies etc) which would be fine, but FIL will be here.  Who can enjoy time off with constant slamming doors/huffing puffing?  It won’t be relaxed at all.

FIL unfortunately isn’t the type to go on trips by himself, so he only goes when “friends” invite him to tag along on trips which has only happened coming up on two times in two and a half years.  I  put the word friends in quotation marks because I have no idea how this man has any friends.  I’ve in fact never seen any of his friends. Deep in the back of my mind I have to wonder if the man just makes up this whole friend thing and instead has some sort of finger puppet he goes on trips with and talks to, and that is his “friends”.

Well, I digress.  I hope him and his finger puppet have a great time, perhaps treat themselves and take a two week holiday instead.

I actually have this kind of demented plan.  When DH and I are out anywhere where there are tourist brochures (which isn’t often) I always look for ones that are for wine tasting/wineries and for golfing events.  I think, what better way to up the chances the man might go away on a trip? I can just toss the brochure casually on top of the pile of incoming mail where he’ll see it and just assume a flyer was sent out.  Muahaha!  I should probably give this a clever name like ‘Operation Take a Trip’  or something, but I’ve not come up with anything clever yet.

Did the housekeeper run for the hills?

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Yesterday was slightly irritating.  FIL didn’t even up leaving the house until almost 4pm.  Most likely he left to eat out.  Which meant I was very hungry yesterday. DH got home from work and the dentist and he made some pork belly and I made some eggs.  I was still a bit hungry, but my other food was still frozen and unbagged so I let it sit out for a few hours to thaw.  (Ended up by the time it thawed FIL came back and DH and I just wanted to be upstairs, so no dinner)

While we were in the kitchen cooking I noticed that there were a bunch of papers in the stack of papers to be taken out to put in the recycle bin.  So I look through them, as I do because I always go through the trash here because I never know what I may find of mine.  So I found two things of interest.  One is a piece of mail for me that FIL has taken upon himself to open, read and throw away.  That’s right, I don’t get the chance to see my mail and decide if I want to read and keep it.  There was also one of DH’s magazines in the trash, but he never reads it anyway, so that wasn’t a big deal.  (FIL usually shreds most of the mail, so I’m sure there is mail of mine that has been shredded without even knowing about it) The second thing in the pile was an envelope with the housekeepers name on it.  He always puts her pay in an envelope and gives it to her like that.  But this Weds she never came and I found it odd that he apparently opened and removed the money.

I wonder if the housekeeper quit? Last time she was here FIL was saying something to her, I don’t know what as a door was in the way, but he was using the tone of voice he uses when he used to talk to MIL.  You know, the you’re a piece of stupid garbage voice.  I couldn’t believe it when I heard it, as “outsiders” don’t get the pleasure of hearing that voice. So maybe she went quit.  Or maybe FIL fired her because now she’s seen his asshole side.  I really hope for that lady she doesn’t come back. 😦

You might think, why do you have a housekeeper with so many able bodied people living there? Answer: I don’t know! The housekeeper was there years before I moved in apparently.  FIL told me one day, back when he was talking to me that he hired her because his son was such a slob and he was tired of picking up after him.  And DH is kind of messy, but it does not warrant a housekeeper.  FIL is messy as well.  I’d say DH is cluttery and FIL is disgustingly filthy.  Like drop  orange curry and wine all over the couch and floor and not clean it up filthy. (Or drop shredded onions between couch cushions and let two rooms of the house stink up until I find there is food under the cushions and remove it!) When I first came to live here I asked FIL if I could take over cleaning as a way to help out around the house.  I would clean anyway, but this would make it official.  Well, he kept avoiding the subject, saying that we’d talk about it, but there were stipulations etc.  Stipulations?? I even had DH asked him about it and FIL said he could not get rid of the housekeeper because… listen to this… he had to give her employment because the lady needed in-vitro fertilization procedures!  Really it’s about control.  No one is going to tell him he doesn’t need a housekeeper, besides having one makes him feel all snooty and grand I’m sure.  Second, it’s someone that works for him, he gets to call the shots, he is in control.

P.S. Know my earlier rant about the tupperware container?  It’s been a few days and I wanted to make sure before I posted anything else.  DH and I made sure we got the container upstairs but now the lid is gone.  DH checked all the bins…. nothing. I give up.  Have it. Take a shit all over it dude… whatever you want. You win.

Thinking about MIL

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Well, I am writing another entry today.  Today is DH and I’s anniversary.  We thought about just making a cheap home made dinner (well, we always make home made anyway – but this would be more romantic) to celebrate, then thought better of it.  Who can relax and enjoy dinner when there is an ogre stomping around slamming doors, grumbling and nosing into your business? Answer: You can’t! So we aren’t.

I am thinking about this time last year (as I’ve posted about this earlier:  https://shitmyfildoes.wordpress.com/2013/06/09/anniversary/ ) which makes me think about my late MIL.

I’ve not posted much about her on here yet because I really don’t know how to explain the whole ordeal without making the post a novel. There are so many small parts to it that lead to bigger parts.

All I know is FIL was so mean to MIL.  MIL had a somewhat rare brain disorder (I’m going to keep the disorder private so I have more anonymity) that affected her speech, her balance, her eyesight, her peeing/pooping and her judgement.  Some would say she was a prisoner in her own body.  Maybe, but she was really a prisoner of her husband.

I thankfully have survived 11 years with a passive aggressive man and I now realise just what he was.  It took me two years after leaving him to figure it out!  The emotional abuse was so covert that you really don’t realise just what is happening while it is happening! So I have the ability to see what this man is, I don’t think my MIL really knew.  Or if she did, she was not in a position to leave (financially) or her illness made it impossible.  (Her illness began in her late 40’s) So watching my MIL go through some similar things and not being able to help was just… god awful.

Being around my FIL when he interacted with MIL was unbearable.  He was always so nasty to her, belittling, etc.  He knew it took her longer to get ready to go anywhere, but he would refuse to help her get dressed or get ready.  Instead he would stay in his “office” and five minutes before they were suppose to go out he would come out to get her and then make a ruckus because she wasn’t ready.  He always talked to her like she was complete garbage.  If he helped her get to the toilet (rarely) he would hold on to her improperly by walking behind her with his hands on her shoulders then pull faces and make fun of her (he would also make fun of her now altered voice and laughter) while letting go of her shoulders just for show.  She would start to fall and he would flail to catch her.  Sometimes he didn’t catch her.

The rare times he watched her (which was only for a couple hours a week for 3 months of the ten years she suffered) he would punish her.  He would make her sit in her poopy underware.  He would have time to give himself a bath but when it came for her to have a bath (she could bathe herself, she just needed help into the tub) they simply didn’t have time. FIL took bathes, she used the detachable shower head. The shower head has been broken at least 2.5 years.  He has not and will not fix it, because it doesn’t affect him.  However if he had fixed it her 30 minute showers would have turned into 10 minute ones!!  If she needed her medication, he’d forget to give it to her.  No matter that she had a pill box and her son would beg FIL to please give her the pills.  FIL had time to eat, but he would often forget to feed MIL those days.  He would also persuade her that she needed to lose weight, that 120ish was just to heavy…  I don’t know if he ever hit her, but she always had bruises on her because he wouldn’t watch her and she would have falls.  When she died she had bruises all over her face.  We don’t know why.  I know the rest of the family had to have seen them when they came to view the body, but no one ever said a damn thing.

I think about her a lot.  She was a very kind person. Unfortunately I didn’t know her very long before she passed away and sadly 4 months before she died I rarely saw her.  FIL had blown up on me and I was so depressed and frightened that I retreated upstairs and rarely came down again.  But I hear she asked about me quite a lot.  I wonder if she knew.  I feel so bad about it all.  But what could I have done?  I don’t know.  Go to friends of hers? I don’t think they would believe it! DH and I were not in a position to move out with her and she did not want to go in a home. (That might have actually been better for her) I wish I would have fought more for her. Instead DH and I tried to take her out as much as we could (we really didn’t have money) to help her on assisted walks, to feed squirrels etc.  I guess at least she had some good times. 😦

Rotting Apple

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It’s almost 2:30pm and I’m sitting up in the room eating a decaying apple.  This is my life.  DH and I keep our groceries upstairs in his bedroom because we can’t keep them downstairs in cupboards or fridges like normal human beings.  I should probably explain.

FIL I swear has some sort of eating problem/disorder.  He doesn’t cook so he either eats out, buys pre-made sandwiches while he is out or orders in takeaway.  He will at times boil a ham or make soup (which is a disgusting story in itself) to eat.  The rest of the time he eats random shit and when he eats this shit he won’t put it on a plate like a normal human being and eat it.  DH has caught him hunched over the fridge with a spoon eating out of jars and cans while quickly stuffing it in his mouth.  It’s like he is trying to hide it.  The things he loves eating for “meals” are entire jars of jam, pots of hummus, rice pudding, sugary yogurts, entire pies etc.

As an aside, the man is like 400 lbs and has to be tested monthly because he is like a .01 away from being diabetic. But he continues to eat nothing but sugary stuff, drink 2-3+ bottles of wine a day thinking that it won’t hurt him.  Part of the diabetes thing is due to his weight, he won’t exercise or cut down on food, but rather take diet pills. (which cause more disgusting issues)

So you think, well what do you care what he eats? Let him eat himself into a grave? Well, the thing is he eats our shit too!  Instead of eating an entire jar or jam he will eat 90% of it (usually within the first day or two of us purchasing) and just leave it, he won’t finish it.  As if we won’t notice it’s mysteriously lost 90% of it’s contents!! The gross thing is, he eats our stuff with a spoon, which means he is double dipping! YUCK!  We’ve made it clear to him that the stuff in the second fridge is ours, please don’t eat it. (This was after us having to throw out tons of half eaten food that he’s stolen from us) We’ve gone to hiding things and in the winter keeping food out on our windowsill to keep cold.  He still steals food!   So anything that needs to be refrigerated we really don’t buy any more except actimel. (which I need for my ulcerative colitis, so I just have to deal with him stealing some) Everything has to be kept upstairs in our bedroom.  Now that it is summer there is no keeping food outside so the only food we keep upstairs are cans etc.

So now it is 2:30 and I’ve been up since 6:00am wanting to have breakfast. But I don’t leave my room when he’s here. I am afraid he will do something.  I never want to be in a position where it’s his word vs mine because he is so delightfully charming to others and has them fooled to where I’m afraid no one would believe me!  So, I found this old rotting apple and am eating it.

Takeaway

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FIL rarely cooks, he either eats meals out of has takeaway. A couple nights ago he ordered some takeaway.  For the last six or seven times he’s ordered takeaway he will not listen for the delivery man.  Instead he will go into the conservatory which is the farthest place in the house away from the front door then close the door to the living room and watch TV.  FIL is usually in his “office” (he likes to call it that to sound important, it is really a one car garage redone) when he is home so it would make sense he remain in his “office” for the twenty minutes or so it takes the delivery boy to arrive so that he can hear the door. 

Oh no… he just won’t do that.  Instead the delivery boy has to ring the door bell until DH answers it and then goes to tell his dad that someone is at the door.  If DH is not home then the delivery guy rings the doorbell off and on for about five minutes then starts ringing the house phones until FIL answers the phone and waddles his ass to the door.  Well, the last couple times it’s been taking FIL on average 10 minutes to answer the door.

The other night FIL went into the conservatory again, DH told him that he was going upstairs to take a bath, so FIL should know that no one is going to answer the door for him.  So DH and I hop in the tub together and then after a few minutes hear the door bell ring.  We wait… no one answers… again… nothing.  DH says he’ll go answer it.  I tell him not to.  Is this mean of me? I don’t care at this point.  DH always has to answer the door! It is almost impossible for DH and I to have alone time that isn’t interrupted by something that involves his dad!!  FIL ordered the food and is going to have to pay the man so why not sit in a room where he can hear the guy when he comes?  It’s really not that hard.  I know when I order stuff I keep a listen out for the delivery person.

So DH stays in the tub.  For the next 20 minutes, I am not exaggerating – the guy rung the door bell and rang the phone off the hook.  I admit it was uncomfortable to sit and listen to.  I felt sorry for the guy.  But you know what?  If we weren’t there the guy would still be in the same situation and honestly I’m tired of small shit like this from FIL.  Honestly, sometimes I think he hears the door and phone and just ignores it.  Kinda like – he’ll get to the person whenever he feels like it.

Eventually the man went away and FIL had to eat other stuff for dinner.  Good.  For once cause and effect.  We had hoped that the place would just blacklist him, but he got takeaway the next night so maybe it was from the same place, who knows.  

Tupperware Container

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I really don’t know why my FIL has a fixation with trying to throw DH’s lunch tupperware containers in the garbage.  True, we are mostly to blame because the last two times this happened we washed them and left them on the drainer to dry.  Usually we wash, dry and take them immediately upstairs to the bedroom.  The first time I found he threw away the container was about a month ago.  I got up as I do in the morning to make DH breakfast and pack his lunch.  I look on the drainer and the lid for the container was still there, but the container was gone.  The container was sitting on the lid by the way.  Maybe he used the container lidless to store something? Maybe he put it with the other containers in the cupboard? No and No.  Then I think… Oh, today is trash day, I wonder if the ogre has thrown it in the trash.  So at 6:30 in the morning I go out front and peek in the can. Guess what was on top?

Yesterday he pulls that shit with the very same container!  DH found it in the recycling bin and picked it out.  DH said his dad must think its to recycle.  No, he probably doesn’t.  This is where the craziness comes in.  Did he do it on accident twice? Was it on purpose.  Well, let me say that was the only thing he threw out in the bin yesterday, the sink was still littered with about 10 recyclable things – cat food cans, actimel bottles, tin foil, wine bottles, etc.  He actively selected that to throw away.  He didn’t do it on accident.  So DH is going to tell his dad not to throw it away.  I’m sure he’ll get the “Oh, I didn’t realise…” It won’t happen again as it is never being left on the drainer again.