I forgot about the stares

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I can’t believe I didn’t mention this in my previous posts already. I was reminded of this last night during counselling. The day after the ogre came back from holiday I told myself I would be brave and go downstairs and watch tv in the sun lounge. When he was gone I got into a routine of coming home from work in the morning and making breakfast and watching an hour of tv before going on with my day. It was really difficult to go watch tv. I do not like being here with him alone, let alone out of my room. It took a lot of courage and I did not enjoy one minute of watch that hour of tv. In that hour I got stared at while the ogre was in the back garden – staring in at me as I made my bowl of cereal. After watching tv for 20 minutes the ogre could not help himself but come into the sun lounge (which is a 7x 6 room, so he was standing fairly close to me) and throw a plastic bin into the room, huff, sigh and leave. Then he proceeded to get his bowl of cereal and stand outside the sun lounge close up to the window and eat his cereal and he stared in and watched my watching tv until he finished his breakfast. Both times I had to pretend I didn’t notice him. Who stands outside and stares into a window eating their breakfast while staring at you? One could say, oh maybe he was interested in what you were watching? I highly doubt he cares about wife swap.

It’s stuff like that that makes me feel afraid of him. I am constantly being watched when I am out of the room and from previous blog entries I have stated even if I am holed up in the room I cannot have the curtain open because he will stand in the back yard and stare up at my window watching me. To me, he is a scary predator. 

The sink is still full of his curry dishes as expected. We couldn’t get in to the sink to wash dishes or cook here yesterday. He is home this morning and so far, no breakfast for me. Forget bravery, after his hijinx the last few days I’m not risking it. Hopefully he will go out soon. 

As I was mopping the floor at my morning job I was thinking – how the hell did this all happen? Will I be stuck in abusive relationships my whole life? Granted when my DH and I got married I wasn’t imagining an extravagant lifestyle – just us loving each other, sharing our experiences and life together. I guess I got that… but it wasn’t what I was hoping for. I never imagined I would be subjected to this. Our counsellor tried to ask if maybe DH’s dad acts like way because he has diabetes and diabetes can make people a bit off apparently. I despair with this counsellor some days. I feel like I have to constantly explain why DH’s dad acts the way he does and about NPD people. The only thing good coming out of this counselling is working on DH and I’s communication skills. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain the logic/reasons behind why the ogre acts the way he does. Granted the counsellor isn’t focused on personality disorders but surely she’s learned something about them in school. At this time we cannot change our counsellor because the only way we can see someone since we’ve run out of sessions now is through our last extension that can only be done with this counsellor. 

Sometimes I wonder if this was ever meant to be. There are so many roadblocks thrown at us constantly. We scrimp/save/don’t eat and save money. Then some catastrophe happens and we have to spend the savings on living, new car etc. We can never get ahead. DH’s job goes to shit and now it’s a part time job and no one is hiring him. I can’t find a full time job. I’m working piddly hours walking 7+ miles a day which doesn’t work well with me because of my hip and back problems. I was born with dislocated hips and spent time in a waist cast. I’ve had hip problems and back problems all my life. I need constant adjustments which I cannot afford and are not covered here. Walking any sort of length of time causes all sorts of issues for me. It can’t be helped, but feels like a roadblock. I have so many health issues that cause more health issues… I feel like I have enough of my plate and I have set backs that make doing things difficult, why can’t I get a break? Why can’t my husband and I both make a living wage so we can move out? I’m not asking for a mansion, just a tiny place. It could be a studio. I’m tired anymore. I feel like a shell of myself and soulless. Why can’t I just even go to my hour morning job and do it without worry that I will be found out or harassed by the ogre? Why can’t I just eat breakfast and watch tv without being antagonized? I am so tired. So very tired.

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Man-pms

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About once a month, the ogre gets his man-pms. For about a week he acts like a super terd, the rest of the time just an irritating terd.

Terdiness over the last three days:

More door slamming

DH and I getting the “peeps” – usually he’ll stare out at us through the blind or window whenever we come or go. When he’s extra crabby he just opens the door and stands there and stares at us until we drive off. Btw, the front door to the car is about five feet. So it is very hard to pretend we don’t see him glaring at us.

Stealing and eating our food again. Jam and butter yesterday. This morning I find a piece of our bread out on the back lawn for the birds. I guess he tried to make toast (which I have never seen him eat in 3 years here and he doesn’t buy loaf bread only baps and rolls) burned it (toaster hasn’t worked correctly in years and burns one side of the toast) and tossed it out there. I checked his bread box. He still has rolls in there to eat. So good enough reason to move our box of cereal and loaf of bread (which we being silly we left downstairs this week) back to the bedroom. 

Coming into our room and going through our things.

I get home last night exhausted. I walked 7 miles for work and the weather was rotten. Gusty winds and sprinkling rain. Not horrible, but walking 1.5 hours in it you get cold and wet. You know how it is, you get near your door and your body is so tired but relieved you could just give out on the spot. It knows that it can lay down soon! Wrong! The ogre spotted me about five feet from the door last night. Oh good, we can play the game of him not wanting to let me in. Never mind I have a key. He is just going to stand there almost face to the glass staring at me and leaning against the door with both arms on it, almost like pushing it so I won’t be able to open the door. Ok. I literally said “fuck this” and turned around and left. The last thing I wanted to do was walk more in the cold and rain, but I don’t want to play games either. DH wasn’t off work at the earliest for another 1.5 hours. So I had to walk another mile and a bit to the grocery store I JUST went by to warm up. I had to literally stop and take two breaks I was so tired. One I just sat on the wet sidewalk and rested as there was nothing else around to sit on, the next one down the road I found a bus stop. Finally DH got to the store and we went home. My plans for making dinner… too exhausted. I got DH a frozen pizza for a 1.50 and he had that and I ate a bowl of cereal.

Every morning I bring our dishes down and soak them in the sink for the hour I am away and do in them in the morning. I take down the dishes this morning. Sink full of orange greasy water. The ogre has put all the plastic curry take out containers he is going to throw away in the sink again to sit there. They will sit there for days as usual. I see the butter container he threw in the sink yesterday, which I took out has migrated back in there. I’m not doing his nasty greasy dishes. Ok, I am. But later. After he takes the plates out of the sink and silverware he’s put in with the containers and not put any soap on them and just put them on the drying rack I will rewash them because they will be orange and greasy. I am not using nasty unwashed dishes. But for now, I am not washing that crap. So our dishes will start piling up in the room because there is no where else to wash them at. 

Ogre put his shit (faeces) in the bathtub again. 

I saw the downstairs toilet door was open. Not sure if he shit in the toilet again and left it. Sad I even have to ponder that.

Well, only about 4 more days of him being a jerk face.

I got a second job, but my coworker might be a stalker.

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Well… things are going ok. Ups and downs. I’m still working at the hour a day job so that’s good I guess. Downsides – always end up working off the clock because there is not enough time to get all my work done plus they always put extra work on me that I think? isn’t in my contract. I’m not sure. I never received one. Still no uniform. A few times a week the employees there mess up my janitorial closet so that I have to rearrange it just so I can squeeze in. They keep unplugging my floor machine so now it hasn’t worked in two days. I don’t know if it’s broke. I have to call my boss today about it. So I’ve had to hand mop the entire store floor, which surprisingly takes less time then running the machine and filling/emptying it. Unfortunately my mop bucket is broken and nearly impossible to wring out the mop or have more than an inch of water in there. Ah well.

The fun thing is, the ogre came into the store the other morning. I almost walked into him. I turned about face and tried to hurry to the back before he spotted me, but of course the store was full of people and two school kids who were in absolutely no hurry were in front of me, so I had to shuffle towards the back. Literally. That’s how slow these kids were going, nor did I want to draw attention to my American voice by saying excuse me. So, I don’t know if he saw me or not. I had a nice five minute panic attack in my closet.

If he saw me, the ogre would just let it stew for awhile. He never says anything right away, it will be use later when more convenient. So now I am in such a rush to get the front of the store done so I can hide in the back. Of course cleaning in a small store with a ton of customers makes it nearly impossible to get things done quickly. So it makes me pissy. I’m so stressed about it I just want to yell at people most times. Like when I am putting down a floor mat and I’ve not even finished laying one side down on the floor and people just start walking onto it. WTF. Or when people walk right on and stand in my pile of dirt, cardboard boxes etc I am sweeping into a pile.

Regardless, the Ogre has to know something is going on as DH and I leave in the morning together. He’ll get to the bottom of it, he always does. I wonder if he will try to extract the huge 6.31 I make there?

So, I started another job in the evenings. Together with the other one I have to walk 7 miles a day for a big 3 hours worth of work. Yesterday I got lost and added on 2 extra miles. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so hilly, but it is. It sucks. Everything on me hurts. There is a bus that goes there, but I would be losing money to take it. The job is cleaning as well. I work with an old guy and he seems ok… or did. My first day there I met the lady who hired me and she asked where I lived so I gave the general area. She turns to my coworker and asks him does he live near there, he says no and says the opposite side of town, OK. Later that night he inquires if I have another job and I tell him I do. He asks where the store is located and I tell him, then he asks how  many hours I work and what hour. I thought he was just being chatty and thought nothing of it. The next day he asks me again to tell him where the store is. Now I feel weird. Part of me is like, maybe he will try to steal my cleaning job from me? Because that’s how desperate for a job I am.

Anyway, I am walking to work yesterday and see him near my work walking, like two stores from it. Then I think, what if I’m right!? So I get worked up about it and then get lost and add on those two extra miles. Then I have to race to work. I get there and he’s already there. That night he asks more questions about me, my ethnicity etc. Then as we are about to leave he gives me compliments saying my smile is cute etc. I reply with “mmmhmm” as I am thinking aloud. He tells me he did not say that to pick up on me. We say our goodbyes and I start walking.

I don’t have a good history of walking home or to work when it is darker out. I have been sexually assaulted before, people have tried to grab me and drag me into a car and I have had other things happen. I do not like walking when it is starting to get dark. Well I am so tired that I am stumbling along and taking my time to get home. I check my watch here and there and by the time I am about 1.5 miles from home it is dark out. I feel a hand on my shoulder after about 40 miles of walking and it’s him! WTF. He tells me someone at the office (98% were already gone when we left) gave him a ride and he wasn’t sure if he should drop him off at the grocery store, but the coworker told him to drop him off right here and lo and behold there I was walking. Then he tells me he usually takes the bus home (not sure if a bus runs that late there). So why didn’t he take the bus? And why would he stay there like 35 minutes later for a coworker to come up to him and offer him a ride? It would have taken them 10 minutes tops in traffic to get to where I was. I don’t know if I believe it. I am afraid he followed me. He said goodbye out on a main road but I felt so tired and paranoid the entire trip home. This morning from work I looked around to see if he was following me.  I know he probably wouldn’t try that twice so closely if he was weird. But now I am worried. I told DH last night and he tried to reason it off as maybe the guy was being nice… yeah… ok.

I am trying for an overnight job. I hope I get it. I don’t want to go back there and now tonight I have to walk by myself home again 😦

If that wasn’t bad. I get home, tired, worried and just want a sandwich. In the sink is the ogre’s carton of butter – empty. I guess that was left for us to wash, who knows. So I go into our fridge. You know, the one where we’ve asked him several times to stay out of, but he just steals food and eats out of our jars/tubs with a spoon? Well he used our butter then put it in his fridge. A normal person might say – oh he just borrowed some and forgot to put it back in your fridge. No, he didn’t. With PA people there’s a message. So I did something childish last night. I had had it after my terrible day. All I wanted was a sandwich. So I filled the tub up about half an inch full of some random cooking oil I found and put it back into his fridge.  Have it. All yours. And he probably will just eat it. As I saw from this morning there is jam smeared all on the side of the cupboard. Apparently he ate our jam too late night. Sweet.

Edit: Because I forgot to mention – you’d think we’d be safe in the hour I go to work in the morning as far as the Ogre staying out of our bedroom right? Wrong! Every time we leave the house I have to hide important papers: Dh’s pay slips, rotas, etc. In the mornings I’ve been leaving them on his desk because I’m only gone one hour early. Well, after two days of the door suspiciously not being closed when I got home plus DH finding something brought upstairs and tossed in our bedroom we know now that the Ogre takes the opportunity to rifle through our stuff in the morning as well. Joy of joys. (I thought DH brought it in and so I said nothing for days until he said something)

It went on holiday

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The ogre went on holiday for two weeks! A first! It was wonderful! DH and I put our tooth brush, paste and shampoo in the bathroom and kept it there 🙂 Granted the jerk came home early so we had to scurry around putting things away, but it was still nice. It was nice to feel like a human being again! 

But now he’s back and here I am up in the room again. It was nice to get out of the room and even watch an hour of tv in the morning. I don’t really care about tv, but it was just something to do that let me know I wasn’t in the room. 

I don’t want to go back to just staying up here, I can get so courageous when I am not here at the house or if the ogre is away for a couple days about the situation. As soon as he returns I’m terrified. I’m just so scared of being downstairs alone with him. I guess if something happens it’s just proof that I can show to people that he is unwell. But that doesn’t give me courage. I just wish he would leave me be, but he is the kind that will intentionally follow you from room to room just to antagonize you and eavesdrop. 

I’m feeling pretty down about job stuff. The hour a day job I have is ok, but almost every other day it’s something. My supplies get stolen and no one can find them or know where they are. In three weeks my second and only dustpan has disappeared so it’s use a piece of cardboard. My broom also went missing. I’ve had my mop bucket tossed back into the tiny closet with it’s wheels broken off and tossed into a bucket of nasty water. Fine, just pick them out right, oh wait the muddy water has broken glass shards in it. I’ve come into work and found the closet completely full of ladders and whatnot to where I have to pull out items just to be able to get inside to do anything thus wasting my time. My hour long job that is supposed to be two hours or was but they won’t pay for that. Speaking of pay, I got paid today. I didn’t even get paid for two weeks of the three I’ve been working there and the pay is monthly – and the two weeks were before the end of the month. I can take a wild guess it was because my log in problem was not fixed until the third week and my boss was supposed to call payroll everyday I worked. So, now once I get this straightened out I can wait another month for it to be deposited. I despair, I really do. Maybe my boss will answer her phone this week. Who knows. 

I applied for another cleaning job on Friday and dropped by the application. I thought I was being clever by saving postage and dropping it off at the company except the company is in a business park… and after opening the door – which I thought lead to a reception I was greeting by three frightened women in a storage facility of sorts surrounded by cleaning supplies. I gave them my application but I feel like I blew it somehow. I need to call them tomorrow and see what’s up. I’ve been dreading it. Two months until we have to move out… and it isn’t going to happen. I have no idea what to do. 

I went back to the dentist. My tooth is still infected. I was told to come back in a few weeks if it still is. So that was more money out of pocket. DH is now pretty much part time hours at his job and it takes a miracle for him to apply to other care jobs. I find the job ads for him then pester him for days or weeks for him to apply to them. It is making me mad. I feel so hopeless at times. 

The grocery store where I work throws away a lot of food. I want to ask if it is going in the bin and if I can have it, but I am too shy. Actually I am afraid of when I ask they will start thinking I’m going to steal from them, like I’m so desperate to dig through their bags for off food that I’ll start stealing stuff. Granted most of the food is like cakes, but there are veggies from time to time and other useful things. I realise there is a liability as well… give me rotten food and if I get sick… they may be afraid I might sue. 

I just feel so desperate all the time. But looking at the positive, at least I made some money – granted it’s less than minimum wage but it’s something and I get out of the house for an hour each day and get some exercise.

I wanted my full pay check to try to buy DH a pair of glasses for his birthday. His glasses he’s had since he was 16 and do not fit. They make terrible black marks and indentations on his face. I’m wondering if I can barter with a store somehow to make up the cost? Maybe cleaning or something. 

Wish me good luck on finding a job soon… a job with real hours!!