Saturday BBQ

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So from the title you might think DH and I attended a BBQ on Saturday? Nope. However, the ogre did. Early one morning earlier in the week a note slips through the mail slot. It is addressed to the ogre. DH’s aunt is fond of dropping off notes through the slot at six in the morning. I don’t know why. So DH opened it and we read it. 

The note was inviting the ogre to a family BBQ that Saturday. It was only addressed to the ogre and did not say anything about inviting DH or I. And all Saturday the ogre said nothing then finally left for the BBQ.  This must be really awkward for DH. I would say ever since we got married or perhaps before that he has been excluded and not treated very nicely by his immediate and extended family. Heck, I’m not treated nice by them. 

My first Christmas here everyone was nice to me and even bought me gifts. Months down the road when DH and I got married no cards, no congrats, no gifts, nothing. No sort of acknowledgment that we got married. If I’m in a room with them or they walk into a room with me in it I say “Hi” they don’t respond or they say “hello” to everyone but me. No one really talks to me, except one of the grandpas but he just talks at me. I don’t think he’s in the loop that he’s suppose to be ignoring me. 

This of course irritates the shit out of DH. And how couldn’t it, his entire family is being rude shits for no reason. I’ve actually never done anything to these people as we rarely see them to do anything! We just figure that the ogre has made up shit about us and turned the family against us. 

I know DH wouldn’t have gone, as he had to work later that afternoon anyway and if he was free he probably wouldn’t have gone, but it’s still awkward for him I’m sure. That’s one thing some people don’t realize. Passive aggressive people have a way of keeping people away from you. PA people want to make you feel excluded and unloved and they will bring family in on it as well.  The family members will only hear one side of the story and form their own opinion. Depending on who they are they will just stay away from you and you will never know why they are avoiding you or angry with you. I notice in the US people are more likely to voice what is pissing them off. Here it seems people keep anger bundled up and find it too impolite to tell you that they are pissed at you.

And really, why would ogre want the family talking to us? Being that we are not good terms with the ogre and that his wife is gone, we might actually tell the family that he was abusive and neglectful to her.  Can’t have that!! 

PA people don’t always go behind your back to keep people away, they can also be subtle. My ex was subtle to an extent. Back when I had friends when we first met every time I would plan to have them come over or go out somewhere with them my ex would start some argument that would take hours to resolve and I would have to cancel plans or all of a sudden he would feel ill. This happened every time. My friends eventually started thinking I was making this shit up and that I didn’t want to hang out. Eventually I just stopped talking to them. It’s easy when your in a PA relationship to stop talking to friends. My ex even told me he didn’t like some of my friends so I ended the friendship all the while smiling and shaking my head yes. It seems crazy that you could get sucked into doing this, but you can.  Eventually over the course of 11 years I barely talked to anyone as later it became known that it really pissed him off and started fights if I talked to anyone period. If I talked to someone I must be cheating. So I would talk to people online sometimes and even then he would install things to get my passwords or log my convos or even see what webpages I was browsing real time.  Even when I went to work I was always the quiet one that was friendly to a point. Why start friendships when I couldn’t keep them?

I will say though in those ten years except for when I was at work for 2.5 of those years (There were always fights if I tried to find a job – best to keep my totally dependent) I only said maybe ten words a day. I turned from someone with a high vocabulary to someone who barely can form a sentence. It got better when I was working again, but over the last two years it is getting bad again. 

Anyway, didn’t mean to ramble on about my PA ex, just wanted to give an example that PA people can cause rifts or try to keep you feeling secluded in many different ways.

I guess this situation really aggravates me because I’ve done my 11 years with a PA man and now I’ve moved on to a nice loving man that treats me nicely but his FIL is PA who has put his son in a position to where he has control over him and is ruining our marriage. It’s like I just left this kind of shit… but it’s harder because it’s not my spouse doing this! I know that if things do not change in the next year or sooner I will have to leave my husband because I can’t handle this lifestyle or his father anymore. 

We have a new nickname for him

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I think the nickname ogre does fit – he’s large, grumbles a lot, ugly and stomps around. However, thinking about it more and how he makes us feel I have come up with a new nickname. Dementor.  You know, those terrible wraith like things from the movie Harry Potter?

 

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Let me give you a better description of them:

 

“Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can’t see them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself — soul-less and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.” 
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

 

This fits the ogre in every way. 

It had to return didn’t it?

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Well the sound of the ogre’s “office” door slamming twelve times in the last four minutes tells me that he is back home. Yay. Color me thrilled. I am trying to be more positive about things, I really am, but everyday is a struggle.

I feel like everything in life is so dependent on money and I hate this.  I really hate that if DH and I don’t earn a certain amount or have a certain amount in savings I can’t be with him.  Sometimes I feel jealous when I hear about other expats here that have husbands that have a stable well paying job and there is no stress on them to meeting visa financial requirements.

I hate that DH could be in a stable job with his own place had it not been for the last 10 years caring for his mother.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great thing to do, but it should have been only helping a few hours a week, not 80+ hours for ten years! I could see needing the extra help if the ogre was working (but he’s retired) and couldn’t afford to pay for a carer if he couldn’t care for her himself. (He could have taken care of her and has plenty of money to hire a carer) Instead he used his son. Free labor while you can fuck off all day? WHY NOT? The old man has lived his life I hate that he put DH’s on hold for his own selfishness.

Due to this it’s like DH and I are 17 again and on our own again for the fist time.  Except we have nothing. It’s like we had a house fire and the only things we were able to save were some clothes. We have no furniture, we’ll have no bed when we finally do move out, pots, pans, plates? Nope.  At least at 17 I moved out, had furniture, housing items and a job.  I wasn’t strapped with $70k worth of student loans building almost $7k interest yearly.

All this above is something we can overcome – if I can get a job!!

It’s almost been a year of me job hunting and no one will hire me and DH works for a place that exploits him and makes him work horribly long hours for less than minimum wage. I am happy we can eat and pay for bills like car insurance and DH’s phone but that’s all we can afford. We can’t move out, save to pay for the upcoming visa or have savings to show that I can stay with DH.  All these things not happening cause other issues as well. One of them I hate thinking about but seem to be having constant nightmares about – my cat back home.  I was sure I would have had a job by this autumn and in a place of our own so my ex could ship my cat overseas. Nope! It’s expensive to bring your pet here, around 1500 – 2000 pounds.  Now in a month or so I don’t know what will happen, will she be put to sleep or taken to a shelter where she may not be adopted due to her age.  Best case scenario is that my ex can keep her for longer, but I am doubting this as he too is passive aggressive.  Yes, it seems I attract PA people.  It took eleven years of being with him and three years away from him to figure out just what he was and why he did the things he did.

I feel like I will never escape this place of horror. I think, make the best of it, but how exactly do you do that without going nuts.  Sure I could go downstairs and continue on with my life when the ogre is there right? But he won’t leave you alone.  He won’t let you get on with your business, he will follow you around and linger or knock you out of the way if he needs to get by. He cannot stop trying to draw attention to himself or by constantly letting you know that he despises you. I’m so tired of getting death glares from him.  I just want to laugh at his attempts to be a passive aggressive asshole, but I’m not that stupid. The man can explode quite easily and become violent. That’s another reason why I don’t want to be anywhere around him when DH is not home. If he hits me I can’t report it because then we would be kicked out and have no place to stay due to finances at this time. You can’t exactly be homeless on a visa or it causes problems, well at least if you are non EU.

So I do what I can, I come out of the room about an hour a day usually early in the morning to make DH’s lunch and breakfast for work. The rest of the time I am in this room.  A lot of times I am hungry. The longest I’ve gone without food due to the ogre has been 37 hours a couple months ago.  Well, going hungry isn’t great and doesn’t help me be very energetic about finding a job.  A lot of times I try to sleep off the hunger or anxiety I feel from being here. So, I have opted to buy one of those big cans of protein powders and just have those for meals when I cannot get to the kitchen.  You only need water to make it, which most of the time I have upstairs. I don’t think its a great substitution for a meal but it is better than nothing and is less than a pound “a meal”.  So we will be ordering that this week. It’s a bit of an investment, but hopefully it will help some. I was lucky enough to find one that does not have any of the multiple things I am allergic too, and ships in 3-5 days from Germany.

I wanted to share some pics of my lovely cat that someday I really hope I can see again, her name is Wellsie.

 

well well2

 

 

Where’s the Ogre?

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Answer:  Who cares!

The ogre packed a bag yesterday morning and left. We just figured he was going golfing for the day as he always packs a big bag of clothes to shower after the game. But nope, last night DH and I had a door slamming free sleep!!  It’s the next day in the afternoon and he still isn’t home! Could he be gone for a few days?

While getting some frozen meat out of the freezer this morning I noticed that the ogre had put a tupperware container of the rancid tomato soup in there. First, it boggles me that the man just lets the soup sit out on the stove for a week rotting away then puts it in the freezer to try to preserve it. I really don’t see what the point is.  He’s left soup in a crock pot on the counter for three weeks and has eaten it.  Why freeze it now to keep it from going bad?  I’m not sure how to phrase that question, because the soup is already bad…

So I hope he’s frozen the soup because he will be gone a couple of days? I wish he would be gone for the weekend. A girl can dream.  But then of course the old man didn’t tell us he was leaving at all, so we don’t know when he’ll be back. It’s hard to get comfortable and relax when *IT* could show back up any minute. 

Liebster Award

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When I started this blog only a few months ago the main purpose was to write down my frustrations of my daily life living with the ogre. It was a place to vent. It was never really written in a style for others to read, but some have and apparently found what I have written so far amusing. Back in June shortly after I started this blog I was nominated for a Liebster award by a lovely Irish Expat named Linda.

 I wanted to post this and nominate blogs myself, but at the time I had just started blogging at WordPress and did not follow many blogs so I thought I would wait a bit until I had some to nominate.

 Apparently these are the rules –

  •  Post the award on your blog
  • Thank the blogger presenting you with this award and provide a link back to their blog
  • One good turn deserves another, meaning, you then need to find 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers who you think are deserving of the award so that you can then nominate them! In other words, keep the love going and help small, new blogs get out there and get noticed!
  • Finally, the award presenter will ask 11 questions of you which you need to answer and then you, in turn, ask your nominees 11 questions, and so it goes.

 Thank you Linda!

 I did not get any questions to answer, so I will ask some of my own and tell you some things about myself.

 Things about myself:

  1. My favorite color is green.

  2. I enjoy painting fantasy miniatures, but am not very good at it.

  3. I didn’t make my first from scratch cake until I moved to England. Now that is the only cake I make.

  4. I like to host toyvoyagers (www.toyvoyagers.com)

  5. I have had pen pals for the last twenty three years.

  6. One of the games I have been enjoying playing with DH recently is Torchlight II.

  7. I don’t like going barefoot, I always have to have socks or shoes on even on bare carpet.

  8. I can no longer eat things with gluten in it.

  9. One of my favorite things is going to a corner shop and buying a half of a giant watermelon and putting it in the fridge to enjoy later. It is truly the best.

  10. I love picking berries and rosehips with DH in the autumn.

  11. If I had a super power I would want to either be able to stop time or time travel.

 

Questions for those nominated:

  1. What is your favorite color?

  2. What made you start writing your blog?

  3. Is this your first time blogging?

  4. What is one food that you could do without?

  5. What is one item you can’t do without?

  6. What do you consider to be a perfect day?

  7. What is your favorite holiday?

  8. What countries have you traveled to?

  9. If you had a superpower what would it be?

  10. What is your favorite candy/sweet?

  11. What is your favorite author/book?

 

The nominees:

http://aresidentalien.wordpress.com/

http://passiveaggressiveabuse.wordpress.com/

 http://goshthisdivorce.wordpress.com/

 

Congrats to you all! 🙂

 

Just Waiting…

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I am patiently waiting for DH to get off work so we can go over to his friend’s flat for the day.  It works out well, friend lets us use his flat once in while (as he knows the situation here) and in return I clean his place/vacuum/do laundry/dishes and cook him meals once in awhile.  

The rotten smell of the spoiling soup in the kitchen downstairs is pretty much overwhelming our bedroom. Two pots of soup – one meat based and the other cream have sat on the stove for about a week now unrefrigerated. And yes, the ogre is slowly eating the soup. We are waiting for him to cook the big ham hock he got from the store last week for himself.  He let that sit out about three days in the sweltering heat before putting it in the fridge.  When he does that it always smells rank.

As I was using the bathroom today, which as usual I had to hold my pee forever because the ogre was back and forth to the bathroom for literally hours as he does. Anyway, after I washed my hands it occurred to me after nearly three years that this bathroom does not have any hand towels or towels in which to dry your hands on. Then I thought, oh, that is because the ogre does not wash his hands. You don’t think about needing things like towels in the bathroom if you don’t wash your hands. DUH!

I’m not sure today’s post is really about his PA -ness, but really about how gross things are here. 

When I used the bathroom it was the same old. Toilet seat up with shit splattered all over the bottom of the seat then when you set that down there is additional shit on the back of the toilet seat. I usually clean it up, but somedays I’m just tired of the shit, literally. I hover. I’m getting good at hovering. As you are peeing you glance over at the tub which that too is full of shit chunks. And you know there had to be more because the force of the water going down the drain probably took most of it with it. The bathtub unfortunately I have to clean everyday, I can’t shower in there standing in shit. And it’s not like the man is disabled or needs help, he’s fully functional, just disgustingly lazy and has bad hygiene. So every day I have to clean pieces of shit out of the bathtub to the man who treats me subhuman. It really does burn me. But usually after the 30 minute shower I get over it.  30 minute shower huh? Sounds luxurious… well maybe if the shower actually worked. It is broken and dribbles out water, it actually takes me around 10 minutes to get my short hair completely wet so I can shampoo it.  But the ogre won’t fix it, it’s been broken apparently over three years now. 

Well, I need to go work on my job portfolio stuff, I pray that someone soon will give me a job or at least answer my emails about volunteering places for job experience in this country so DH and I can move out of here one day. 

I’m back!

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I took a short break from writing as DH had ten days of holiday!  What can I say… it was awesome! We didn’t have money to spend going off to some fancy place so we did fun things closer to home… and yes we spent some money that we shouldn’t have. Ick.

A friend was leaving the country for a few days and let us use his flat for a few days while he was away.  So we spent three of those ten days away from the ogre! No door slamming, no huffing, no puffing, etc.  The day that we were going over to the friends house we decided it would be best to get up and go over about 6:30am. It sounds a bit nuts, but we didn’t want to draw suspicion with the ogre. As far as he knew he would just be hearing the same sounds he does every morning that DH goes to work.  We even coordinated car door shutting so it didn’t sound like we had every door open and loading it up with stuff.

It might sound over the top, but every time we go somewhere the ogre always has to ask where we are going or doing. It gets old. The man withholds info from us, so why do we have to be forced to tell him our business?  Then there is the fact the man likes to peer out the window at us whenever we come or go. So, we left early for a ten minute drive down the road.

So we had a fun time, but after those three days were up we had to come home. We were greeted with the smell of rotting soup. Back to the kitchen still under repairs (3.5 weeks now) and the ogre slamming doors. It really got DH down. He said he felt the rest of his holiday was pointless, we couldn’t be in the same room together downstairs and couldn’t use the kitchen reliably to cook food. Our options for spending time together was sitting up in the room and reading books together or napping. (We don’t own a tv/no room for a table to play games on etc) So we went out as much as possible. We still had to deal with the same everyday stuff but at least DH and I got to spend a little time together, the first in probably six months.