It’s been two years

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It’s been two years since I last posted.  Wow. I stopped a few months after some legal issues involving one of my siblings started and it’s still ongoing, geez.  I wanted to give people an update. My SO and I moved out of the hell house a year ago and got away from our terrible room mates.  It was a relief.  Granted we live paycheck to paycheck now.  But no more dealing with disgusting room mates with hidden cameras and roof leaks with water running down our walls.  Oh and living a year and a bit with no hot water was awful. I have nice hot water now.

Since 2012 and arriving in the UK I have felt very unwell. I felt unwell as a child and started having muscle aches as a teen that never stopped. I can’t say I’ve known a day without some sort of pain since I was young. In 2013 amist the FIL drama I began a diary that I wrote in occasionally.  It’s sole purpose was to remind me of things I forget. The year previous I felt like I was having severe memory loss. I still have that feeling three years later.  Back in 2006 I felt I had what was PTSD during a few years of my ex husband’s parents terrorizing me personally and in court for over a year. Slowly I felt I recovered.  However I feel that being trapped with my (new) FIL here feeling helpless, abused, terrified all hours of the day caused the PTSD to come back. Even when I felt I had PTSD before my inlaws did not live with me, the abuse wasn’t constant.  Here the stress, door slamming, being scared to even leave the room to use the toilet was everyday.  Everyday for 2.5 years I was terrorized.

The year we lived with stinky and fatty roommates my health got worse.  Standing to take a shower was tiring.  When we moved out and into our new place I started having dizzy spells, micro black outs and nausea all the time. My latest job was abusive and I still am owed 500.  When others got breaks, I was not given one nor was it arranged for someone to take over my station.  The pay for my untaken breaks were deducted from my paycheck.  When I put in my notice the boss called to harrass me then try to lure me back in to stay at least a month longer so I would have a longer notice period to put in once my six month probation period ended.  I was bullied by other members of statff who would touch me inappropriately and keep doing it after I told them to stop. One staff member would call me stupid, refuse to train me, shove me constantly  all for 8 hours a day. (this person also got mad and burned another previous employee with a hot pan). I was told this is just the way these people are, nothing can be done about it.

I quit this job and have been jobless since.  I had to wait six months for a specialist appointment but finally I saw a doctor and found out I have fibromyalgia. I have found a natural remedy to get rid of the migraines thankfully. I would have nausea inducing migraines all day for about a month at a time with so much neck stiffness. Things would be ok for about a week then the migraine would come on again. I still get them but they are easier to get rid of.  Everyday I felt stupid though. My brain doesn’t function properly. Somedays I just stare at the wall. I can’t stand for more than 2 minutes at a time before I start sweating, knees shake, I feel naseous and dizzy.  There are a lot more symptoms. But I feel like I could try to ignore the pain if it wasn’t for the standing, headache and stupidity this gives me.

I have learned that PTSD and abuse sufferers brains change with the abuse. Over the last four years I have been having flashbacks in an increasing amount.  It used to be around 20-30ish times a day.  I would relive a moment and feel the same raw emotions of when it happened.  Now it happens as soon as I wake up in the morning and doesn’t stop. I would say I have at least 300ish intrusive feelings, flashbacks etc. the last two years.  Something has to change I am so exhausted.  I’ve noticed even things that should be pleasant are awful.  For instance I thought yesterday about a band I used to like.  I thought to myself I should listen to their songs again as it will bring pleasure. Instantly I felt the same feeling I have when I’m scared.  This uneasy scared feeling.  That’s not normal.

One of the things that really bothered me about my fibro is that I felt unwell most of my life but it really ramped up and truth be told I was scared of what it could be.  Could it be cancer? Because my family has been mostly excommunicated from eachother I never knew most of my family’s medical history.  I wrote my sister in law asking her to have my brother write down some family medical issues (he knew my dad’s side of the family, I never met them) pertaining to muscle issues (I have constant muscle spasms), etc. etc. Yeah they’ll do that. Nine months later and nothing. Literally they don’t care I”m having health issues and don’t want to take ten minutes to write info down.  Thankfully from a brief contact with my dad before he died I learned he had CRPS which is on the same spectrum.  Which at some point this fibro may turn into that. I am not looking forward to it.  I spoke on the phone briefly to my brother before emailing and asking these questions about legal stuff going on.  I told him about my sister taking nude photos of me when I was younger. Didn’t care. Infact he invited her to his place for the holidays.

 

You know I read that if you have at least one family member or person you could run to and could comfort you as a child you are more likely to learn how to self soothe and comfort yourself.  I literally had no one as a child. No parent, family or sibling. I have no self soothing mechanism.  I’m rambling. But I guess my reason for updating this is to let people know that abuse from whomever – parents, Narcs, PA people even over a couple of years can take a physical toll on you. I will never be the same again.

 

Two more loads

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Well, about two more loads of stuff (Where we’ll put it who knows) and we’ll be out of here. Usually I go over to the new place in the morning but today I am staying here. The ogre mentioned something on his calendar about the boiler and it being a five hour window for something. A repairman maybe? The boiler isn’t acting up though. Regardless he is here. I stayed because I don’t want him coming into the room nor the excuse again that a repairman needs in here (when he really doesn’t). Either way if there is repairs we were not told anything about it, as usual. 

We’ve not said anything to the ogre and won’t until we leave unless he finds out sooner and then he will tell us that if we have money to move out then we have money to give him. We barely have enough to move and no clue if enough to actually eat for the next month, but we’ll figure it out! So we definitely do not have money to give him to stay in the loop of being unable to leave. I read the visa requirements that are needed at the end of the year for me. One of them states that if you have lived with friends/family during any part of my two years on the visa that I must have a note written and signed by that person confirming it. So who knows if the ogre will. DH has a statement typed out and will print out later for the ogre to sign. Who knows if he will. If he does not I’m not sure what we will do when we apply for the visa. He may outright refuse. This may be visa sabotage attempt number seven… sad it even got to one let alone would be up to seven. How do you explain to the people deciding if I can stay with my husband that the ogre has a personality disorder, is sick, malicious and abusive? So, I hope he just signs the damn thing so we can continue to get on with our lives ogre/abuse free.

 

Anyway, about 4.5 hours and I can eat breakfast. Been waiting 4 so far. It will be so nice when I can actually eat, go to the toilet, bathe etc when I need to. So even though the other place is a junk pit hell hole at least with a little work it will be decent and I can live my life again. 

 

Had a crappy easter

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Literally. Crappy. I woke up this morning and the ogre was still here. After waiting to see if he would leave I gave up and went to the bathroom. What is in the toilet? Just the usual pieces of shit he leaves in there for us. I thought he had gotten over that as he’s not left shit in there for us in about a month. Our counsellor says it’s his way of marking his territory. I think it’s the only way he can reliably punish us – I mean everyone has to use the bathroom sometime right? There is no avoiding it. We will see his shit in the toilet.

So I flush it and go. Before the ogre heads out he goes into the bathroom again and is in there maybe 2-3 minutes (bathroom is next to our bedroom) and I don’t hear really any sounds – no handwashing etc. He leaves. I go into the bathroom later and what do I find? He’s taken another shit and closed the toilet lid. I go downstairs, the door to the other bathroom is left ajar – that toilet is full of shit too. WTF. 

DH came home and needed to use the bathroom – what else could he do but flush it. And sadly flushing it lets him know we’ve seen it and dealt with it. Likely he gets his jollys off over it. This man is just nuts. 

A few hours later…

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It finally leaves after taking a bath so I go downstairs to get my breakfast. At you know, 6pm. There is a note on the stairway and it’s from the ogre in his barely legible writing. It says not to use the bathtub there is something wrong with the plug – and signs it “Love, dad.” Really? Love as in what? You just went on a tirade earlier. You also (I forgot to put this in the last post) again called DH and I’s marriage a project in that smug way you like to. “What are we going to do about this project?” “You mean my marriage?” “Yeah.” I love how the ogre is always involved in our project and it’s always his burden to bear. And he keeps calling it project because he knows it gets under DH’s skin and how could it not? 

It cracks me up that he signed it: “love, dad.” Has this man ever felt any love in his life. Oh, I should probably also mention DH’s birthday came and went two weeks ago. Did he get an acknowledgement, a card, anything? Of course not. However the ogre made sure to put on display near the front door a card, gift and bottle of wine for someone else’s birthday last week. 

But with any luck the ogre’s calendar says “lunch on Sunday.” It doesn’t have a time which means it could very well be another lunch party here. I’m guessing that’s why he just bought two more boxes of dinner plates. The nine sets he has already are not enough. There must be more. BUT! They are Tesco branded dinner plates… he wouldn’t use Tesco brand, his plates must cost much more than Tesco branded ones! What if the company found out it was Tesco brand!! What would they think?! At first we thought it must be a gift for someone he hates but then sure enough I see the mystery lunch entry on his calendar, so who knows. Only time will tell because he won’t tell us ahead of time, maybe in the morning of if we are lucky and that is only to claim some chairs we are using. 

Narc Rage

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Welp, it’s that time again kiddies! The monthly Narc rage blowout staring our favorite ogre!

DH and I had a huge fight last night which is not resolved and AGAIN on the backburner to the Ogre’s shit. So DH was already having a bad day. He comes home for lunch and the ogre lets him in. Not a good sign. The ogre performs these acts of kindness when he wants to trap you. You cannot run away, although I told DH he should have just turned and walked away. Instead the Ogre spoke at him (no conversation here) and told him in a sing song important voice that DH will be charged for certain things. What things?

Keep in mind that only cash is wanted not the same item/brand etc purchased for replacement.

20 pounds for rice used.

40-60 pounds (I forget) for a missing pyrex dish.

40 pound charge for finding rice (supposedly) in the sink.

40 pound charge for clearing a blocked drain over Christmas. Yes, Christmas. (Apparently we did it, never mind it was blocked with black pieces of mysterious plastic type stuff that comes out of the tap when you run your bath. Creepy? Very.)

Also the ogre again tried to bully DH into finding out how much money he makes etc. etc.

 

So DH was in tears and apparently lost his cool and talked back to the ogre. So we’ll see what further punishment comes from that 😦

So besides trying to move out a little at a tiny in a tiny car on only days that we can meet the house mate after 6:30pm and we can only move things for an hour before the guy goes to sleep (works 12’s) on a day and time DH isn’t busy with random work calls during the day, it’s not easy… oh yeah and fit all this in on times the ogre is gone! It’s madness. We only have one possible day this week and weekend to move anything and the ogre has no plans that we know of that day. We still have to paint the room and there is still shit in that room from the previous people to move. I wish two things – I could drive here and also DH didn’t use the car all day for his job. I would load stuff up and haul it over myself, but no. Nor can we hire people – no money to and you can’t tell people to come over at a moment’s notice. Some might say just let him see us moving. Um no. As much as he complains do you really think an abuser wants us to leave? No, he would no longer have control over us.

If anyone has suggestions I’m willing to hear them – must be cheap and at a moment’s notice. Also we will need to give the keys back I don’t want him trying to charge us for changing the locks or whatever. What is the best way to hand over keys with proof you did so? Video tape it?

 

Edit: I must also say we haven’t figure out what the rage is for. Yes it’s monthly but really what was the trigger. We have only two possiblities. We A) Watched tv in the living room twice last week for around 3 hours. The ogre has since been downstairs every night now in the evening watching tv which he hardly ever does. DH thinks he is cockblocking the tv now. Watching tv isn’t a big deal, it was just being out of the room that was a big deal. B) Ogre left the bathroom door unlocked twice last week. DH walked in once and I the other. Both times he was naked. Thankfully I was spared the worst as he was in the bathtub. Or could be C) When he snuck into the bedroom while I was in the bath last week and possibly spotted our heated drying rack. It could have angered him that we got around his other punishment – you know only he is allowed to use heat and the radiators to dry his clothes but we must put ours out in the cold and rain to dry and wear damp moldy smelling clothing. Who knows!

No more

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I was thinking I should start making posts stating all the things that I wouldn’t have to put up with anymore when I have moved away. I won’t remember to put them all down at once, so I will add more as I go.

 

I won’t have to worry about:

Going hungry for hours or days because I can use the kitchen.

I don’t have to wait hours to use the bathroom – toilet, bathing etc.

I can wash my laundry whenever and hang it out to dry without fear of my clothing being thrown away or brought back in sopping wet.

I can get my mail without it opened, read or thrown away without my consent.

I can talk above a whisper to DH while in the house.

I won’t have to deal with noisy or restrictive home repairs that are never communicated to us before hand which make us unable to use the bathroom for weeks etc.

I can make a phone call anytime I like and not in rushed or hushed tones.

I can listen to music.

I can go downstairs whenever.

I can have the curtain open and enjoy the day without being stared up at.

I can go downstairs without being glared at, huffed, grumbled at or blatantly ignored or knocked out of the way.

I don’t have to keep my food up in the room and I won’t have people stealing it or double dipping eating out of my jars.

I can probably wear dresses again – I won’t have a creep trying to stare down my bouses or dresses.

I don’t have to hear a door slam up to 50 or more times a day.

I don’t have to find diaherra in the toilet or shit all over the toilet seat 

I won’t have to bathe in a tub that has shit pieces in it on a daily basis.

I can hang out my towel without it being used or finding shit stains on it.

I can sit in the backyard unbothered.

I can laugh again and display happy emotions out side of the bedroom without fear of punishment.

I can get my confidence back again. 

 

More to come later.

Moving

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Now that DH and I are moving we are slowly sneaking things out of the house. We have until the end of the month. If the ogre is gone we load up our tiny car and take things over to the new place. We don’t have a key yet so we have to make sure the people are home which makes doing this a bit more hectic. I have so many mixed thoughts. First the place we are moving into is a hoarder situation and looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in years. I know I will need to clean it, which by the state of the house will take weeks. So that’s irksome. On the other hand I’m happy to be out of here.

I would love to just move all our stuff out in one or two days but we cannot. Ogre would see us. As he likes to come in our bedroom I worry he will notice things are disappearing… (Oh, his new trick – come into our bedroom and look around while I am in the bathroom taking a bath. Nice huh?) I also feel a bit dispair because DH has so much crap in here (granted he’s thinned it out over the years, but still) that we have no place to put it in the new place. A lot of it is books and we have no book shelf there. And no we cannot take any of the furniture from this room. It apparently belongs to the ogre. So no bed, no dressers, no desk or chair, nothing. I have been checking freecycle and will be hunting around carboot sales and thrift stores this week. It irks me because I have a strong feeling that once we move the ogre will just throw away all this furniture anyway (like he did in the other bedroom he redid recently) and just buy all new. So what we could use will be tossed. But, whatever. We are leaving. Finally. I’m sure when we leave people will hear what ingrates we are/were.

In good news DH has a job interview today and tomorrow. We really hope he gets the one at the care home so he doesn’t have to burn 300-400 in petrol a month for his now part timish job. We are left with basically nothing at the end of the month. I worry that if I don’t get a job soon and if he doesn’t get a better one it’s going to be very hard for us to stay out on our own. So crossing my fingers.

I did get a text and voice mail from an agency two days ago. I called back within 15 minutes. Same thing happened that always did. They will not talk to me and will not return my phone call. I’ve called 6 times now spread out over those two days. I’ve been hung up on the last time by the secretary when I mentioned that I had been calling but not gotten a call back and I was confused as to why. I mean the agent initiated contact… the same thing has been going on for over the last year. But it looks like it’s not just me, thankfully. I was reading a forum of people mentioning similar incidents. I was not aware agents had a quota to meet and that they meet that by getting your information, asking questions and then that’s it. They are done with you. Very irksome.

Well, back to filling out applications. Oh yeah the ogre laugh of the day. Dh bought a microwavable meal on the discount rack the other day. He threw away the container. Not sure if he was suppose to recycle or not. Anyway, the ogre takes it out of the bin outside and puts it back in the sink. DH was going nuts yesterday trying to remember if he did indeed throw it away or not… The ogre – this is the man who consistently put the wrong recyclables  into the wrong containers for months and would leave out a pamphlet open and on the kitchen counter for us since we were in the wrong. We would put the correct things in the correct bin and he would take them out and put in the wrong bin – then leave out the pamphlet. Then he must have read it one day because he put all the things he moved in the bins the previous day back. This is the man who I’ve seen pour out over 20 various bottles of old cleaner and chemicals instead of disposing of them properly with the excuse, “worse things happen at sea.” Oh yeah and the man who threw away recyclables the other day… So DH found the container tossed into cold water with some dishes. Ogre likes doing that. Toss anything that is oily in with the dishes so that the dishes are now infused with grease and are greasy and 10x’s grossier then when they went in. It is always left for us to wash. Thanks for making a simple job even harder. But that is how it is in ogreland.