I can’t really go into details but the guardian ad litem for my mother’s case has unknowingly supplied information that someone who has been bothering me since 2002 can easily obtain. Not really sure what to do with my blog anymore. I’ve deleted most of my accounts in other places (support forums etc) but my posts are not erased and most things remain cached. What was anonymously posting about my life of abuse can now be readable by this person. I have kept quiet for a very long time and it was probably stupid to begin talking about this where privacy doesn’t exist even anoymously. Deleting this will likely keep it cached as well and I don’t want to delete it. Not sure what to do really.
I’m a bit pissed today. I’ve had my new email account for almost two years. I had to make a new one years ago so that if my ex hacked my account (has happened before) that he wouldn’t read much of interest. I get a mail in my box today, my email address has been passed on. When my brother emailed me weeks ago he needed my address so the lawyer could send documents about the case involving mom being sent to a psychiatric home. I was reluctant to give my address then and explained to him why. He said it would be fine and couldn’t be helped. He said he would give the lawyer my address directly. So I gave it to him then on the phone he says that he will have to call our sister back and give her the address because she’s been calling basically every 15minutes for it. Okay…but you just said… I mean I realise my address will be known because copies of this legal document will be sent around to all parties, but my email address as well? There is no need for that.
Some people would say, oh it’s just your email address – if something comes just don’t open it, send it to spam mail. Yeah for normal folks. For people who have admitted to hiring private investigators to find your wareabouts in the past… yeah, it’s a bit more complicated. Now there are cyber snoopers. So now, yet again I get to change my email address and relink all my accounts. And what about forum postings? Posts that anonymously talk about my life and abuse? Stuff that talk about my daily life? I don’t want her reading these. It’s like giving her ammo. And no, this account isn’t linked to any email addresses that anyone knows. I just feel burdened, frightened, irritated…. and mostly tired of it all. And one might say, oh just wait to see if anything happens. You clearly have never been around something like her. Likely she’s been up all night trying to find out all she can based on my email.
And I’m just mad. There was an incident yesterday and the day before that just left me pretty upset and the other incident shaken all day. I wake up feeling better today, finally. Then this shit. It is sad to say but I don’t want anything else to do with my brother. We have a non existent relationship as it is, it’s always me that has to call and use my dime so to speak when I don’t have many dimes to spare. I can’t and don’t discuss my problems here, our relationship is really superficial. There is no family support. I send the nephews cards and postcards. I never hear if they got them. I used to send gifts but again never would hear if they got them. Last time the boys had their birthday I tried to think about what to write in their cards. For days. It felt impersonal to just sign it and I always write something in people’s cards. But I couldn’t think of anything – my nephews and I don’t have a relationship. I ended up sending the cards late. (then extra late as the post office sent them back and I had to remail.) I’m just a stranger sending cards. I thought it is important to keep sending cards to them no matter what so they at least have that – an extended family member who remembers. There really isn’t a point anymore. I’ve never had a family and I’ve been pretty much alone for the last 17 years officially. There is a good reason. There is no respect. I only wanted one thing and that was my privacy so I could feel a little bit safe. But no. The only thing I ask for has been violated.