It’s been two years

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It’s been two years since I last posted.  Wow. I stopped a few months after some legal issues involving one of my siblings started and it’s still ongoing, geez.  I wanted to give people an update. My SO and I moved out of the hell house a year ago and got away from our terrible room mates.  It was a relief.  Granted we live paycheck to paycheck now.  But no more dealing with disgusting room mates with hidden cameras and roof leaks with water running down our walls.  Oh and living a year and a bit with no hot water was awful. I have nice hot water now.

Since 2012 and arriving in the UK I have felt very unwell. I felt unwell as a child and started having muscle aches as a teen that never stopped. I can’t say I’ve known a day without some sort of pain since I was young. In 2013 amist the FIL drama I began a diary that I wrote in occasionally.  It’s sole purpose was to remind me of things I forget. The year previous I felt like I was having severe memory loss. I still have that feeling three years later.  Back in 2006 I felt I had what was PTSD during a few years of my ex husband’s parents terrorizing me personally and in court for over a year. Slowly I felt I recovered.  However I feel that being trapped with my (new) FIL here feeling helpless, abused, terrified all hours of the day caused the PTSD to come back. Even when I felt I had PTSD before my inlaws did not live with me, the abuse wasn’t constant.  Here the stress, door slamming, being scared to even leave the room to use the toilet was everyday.  Everyday for 2.5 years I was terrorized.

The year we lived with stinky and fatty roommates my health got worse.  Standing to take a shower was tiring.  When we moved out and into our new place I started having dizzy spells, micro black outs and nausea all the time. My latest job was abusive and I still am owed 500.  When others got breaks, I was not given one nor was it arranged for someone to take over my station.  The pay for my untaken breaks were deducted from my paycheck.  When I put in my notice the boss called to harrass me then try to lure me back in to stay at least a month longer so I would have a longer notice period to put in once my six month probation period ended.  I was bullied by other members of statff who would touch me inappropriately and keep doing it after I told them to stop. One staff member would call me stupid, refuse to train me, shove me constantly  all for 8 hours a day. (this person also got mad and burned another previous employee with a hot pan). I was told this is just the way these people are, nothing can be done about it.

I quit this job and have been jobless since.  I had to wait six months for a specialist appointment but finally I saw a doctor and found out I have fibromyalgia. I have found a natural remedy to get rid of the migraines thankfully. I would have nausea inducing migraines all day for about a month at a time with so much neck stiffness. Things would be ok for about a week then the migraine would come on again. I still get them but they are easier to get rid of.  Everyday I felt stupid though. My brain doesn’t function properly. Somedays I just stare at the wall. I can’t stand for more than 2 minutes at a time before I start sweating, knees shake, I feel naseous and dizzy.  There are a lot more symptoms. But I feel like I could try to ignore the pain if it wasn’t for the standing, headache and stupidity this gives me.

I have learned that PTSD and abuse sufferers brains change with the abuse. Over the last four years I have been having flashbacks in an increasing amount.  It used to be around 20-30ish times a day.  I would relive a moment and feel the same raw emotions of when it happened.  Now it happens as soon as I wake up in the morning and doesn’t stop. I would say I have at least 300ish intrusive feelings, flashbacks etc. the last two years.  Something has to change I am so exhausted.  I’ve noticed even things that should be pleasant are awful.  For instance I thought yesterday about a band I used to like.  I thought to myself I should listen to their songs again as it will bring pleasure. Instantly I felt the same feeling I have when I’m scared.  This uneasy scared feeling.  That’s not normal.

One of the things that really bothered me about my fibro is that I felt unwell most of my life but it really ramped up and truth be told I was scared of what it could be.  Could it be cancer? Because my family has been mostly excommunicated from eachother I never knew most of my family’s medical history.  I wrote my sister in law asking her to have my brother write down some family medical issues (he knew my dad’s side of the family, I never met them) pertaining to muscle issues (I have constant muscle spasms), etc. etc. Yeah they’ll do that. Nine months later and nothing. Literally they don’t care I”m having health issues and don’t want to take ten minutes to write info down.  Thankfully from a brief contact with my dad before he died I learned he had CRPS which is on the same spectrum.  Which at some point this fibro may turn into that. I am not looking forward to it.  I spoke on the phone briefly to my brother before emailing and asking these questions about legal stuff going on.  I told him about my sister taking nude photos of me when I was younger. Didn’t care. Infact he invited her to his place for the holidays.

 

You know I read that if you have at least one family member or person you could run to and could comfort you as a child you are more likely to learn how to self soothe and comfort yourself.  I literally had no one as a child. No parent, family or sibling. I have no self soothing mechanism.  I’m rambling. But I guess my reason for updating this is to let people know that abuse from whomever – parents, Narcs, PA people even over a couple of years can take a physical toll on you. I will never be the same again.

 

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