Unbelievable… another dinner party tonight??


I didn’t get to sleep until 3:30 am last night and was up at six am when DH got up.  I’m tired and feel terrible. My wish for today was that the Ogre would be out for lunch so that I could get some proper food today. I didn’t eat breakfast until 5pm yesterday and it consisted of some fried eggs that DH cooked while the ogre was away briefly and five… (yes five) tortilla wraps with hot left over cesar dressing as the filling. Yep, that’s it. So I was really looking forward to eating normal food today when he did his usual eat lunch at the pub. It wouldn’t have been a problem yesterday except he was constantly in and out during the day and it was unpredictable when to cook. 

Ogre bought a ton of shopping yesterday. I figured it was part of yesterday’s discussion – bought so we could see it sit in the fridge and rot away and not be able to eat it. But nope. DH tells me this morning the kitchen is a mess, there is food prepped… I think OH NO! I had to see for myself..! The asshole is throwing another dinner party tonight. WTF!!! Are you kidding me?  And the entire table was set so again, there goes having a chair to sit on and use the computer tonight not to mention he’s more than likely going to be home all day now making this damn dinner… so there goes eating… and likely the kitchen will be monopolized until tomorrow. (Dinner guests wouldn’t be leaving until around 10 as usual and the ogre will then be up all night slamming around dishes until the early hours then messing around there the next day as well. But hey, I’m just guessing from all the other past dinner parties he’s had that this is how it will go down.)

So DH had to go down this morning and cart up a four drawer plastic rolley bin that the ogre demanded he take upstairs during the talk the other night. (Sorry I failed to mention that part in my other blog post, nor did I mention the bit about ogre saying that he would have taken an around the world cruise already but he had to stay home and mourn his dead wife…*rolls eyes*)  Granted it’s DH’s and it’s not even in the dining room or in a room that is used or people go in… but it must  come up. Where will it go? Hell if I know? There is no room to walk in the room anyway without crawling on the bed to get to the other areas of the room. I swear. So really it could have stayed there out of the way it wasn’t hurting anyone… but no. So DH carted it upstairs and put it in the hallway so the ogre doesn’t get a hair up his ass and throw it away along with it’s contents. Speaking of throwing away – I see the ogre finally threw away a skirt someone had given me that was downstairs. It was going to be used as material for toy projects so it’s no big deal and I know better than to have anything downstairs, but it was more or less an experiment. Will he mention to DH that there is a skirt down here to be taken up or will he just throw it away? Bingo, mysteriously disappears and is no where to be found. Anywhere. It wasn’t out in the bins that I could ever find… so I could give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he took it upstairs by accident, but I am pretty sure he didn’t. I imagine it went where he hid a laundry basket of dirty clothes one week.

(Yes, he hid ALL my husband’s dirty clothing once for a week. The hamper was nearly full so I went to do laundry one day and all the clothes were missing! Ogre hid them somewhere – DH checked his room etc, nothing. DH thinks ogre hid them in his car. We had to wait nearly a week for the clothes to reappear so DH could have some underware to wear…)

I’m just so mad right now. Again no warning of a dinner party – no letting us know we won’t be able to use the kitchen for pretty much all of today and that there will be people here until probably 10pm or letting us know we won’t be on the computer tonight because we’ll have no chairs. The computer part might sound silly, but when you live in your bedroom 24 hours a day and there is no room to do anything else, the computer is like a lifeline/only thing to keep your sanity.  And none of these plans were apparently in his diary which DH sneaks a look at from time to time so we have a faint clue of what’s going on and when he’ll be out. It makes me think that on such short notice it will be family which will be even more drama. Best possible scenario it’s just a bunch of rich snotty assholes from his golf club coming over. DH’s plan for dinner tonight? Lettuce, salad dressing and lunch meat. And I think why the salad dressing, we won’t be able to put it away in the fridge… it will just sit up here opened for hours.

You may laugh but I am considering finding a coffee pot from a charity shop, which although discounted is somewhat of an investment to us – and using that to brew hot water (hopefully not starting a fire on an extention cord – I wouldn’t think so though) and use it to cook rice. At least we could still eat if situations like this happen. Granted it’s only rice, but at least it’s something! 

Holiday Blues


I am in a writing mood tonight it seems. Writing in this blog is my way of mulling through my thoughts. The blog isn’t really written for viewers but it is here, public incase someone out there living in a similar terrible situation needs to find this and feel less alone and pathetic. So, sometimes my rants might just be a bit incoherent at times.

This week is Thanksgiving in the US and as tradition one decorates the day after for Christmas. I always start watching Christmas specials and sing Christmas carols/songs. I cling to Christmas eerily. I think it was the only period of time that my family acted somewhat normal. We baked cookies and put up a tree.  The cookie making – shaped sugar ones with decorations is a big thing. I feel a compulsion to make them. I cling to that good memory year after year.

It’s hard to sing here, I don’t. Not even when the ogre is gone because I don’t know when he’ll be back. Watching anything even with headphones is a chore because of the constant slamming of doors. *irritated*

Last Christmas was horrible. DH’s mom dies at the beginning of the month, two weeks full of family being hateful and not including DH in anything, then the funeral, Hijinx at the funeral, our source of income being cut off without anything being said, DH having to go for a vasectomy the next day, him recovering a month and unable to look for a new job, me trying to find a job inbetween waiting on my national insurance interview, ogre having a party a week after his wife is in the ground, then another party the day after that, not being told what relative is hosting Christmas, or boxing day or new years for all the family. Not being invited to any of that. Waking up to Christmas morning and seeing the Ogre put out a giant stocking by our door. (He did the first year I was here and filled with lots of stuff for us – then gave me a racist gift with the hefty price tag on it and made me model it for people *ugh*) I figured the man would forgo the stocking at he wasn’t really talking to us anymore. DH had filled his role the last 10 years of taking care of his mom and now that she died, he was no longer needed. But no, the stocking was there, with two cans of borlotti beans inside. I don’t know if one can was for me and one for DH or both for DH. Who the fuck knows. I stupidly asked if this was some sort of British tradition. Nope, I guess it’s the equivalent to coal, or the ogre’s way of saying – good luck on eating now.. because I’ve cut off the pay and you have no income! (which is partly the reason why we are so fucked on our visa because we had to drain our savings over three months before DH got his job and finished his unpaid training courses) 

So, I cringe when I think of what will be at the door this year? Maybe a knife so we can just do ourselves in? What random asshat gift will arrive in a stocking? I just hope the day goes by with nothing at our bedroom door. Also, since we are never told anything, I worry that the Christmas will be held here this year – that will be another bag of mess to deal with. I could leave, but then that leaves our bedroom open to prowlers like DH’s sister who likes to actually thieve and prowl through our shit.

Is it bad I just want the damn holidays to be over with? Is it bad I already know there is little to no chance of DH and I having a good Christmas? Not that he’ll be off during that time as it is mandatory he works. So likely I would be stuck in the bedroom all alone trying to be quiet like I am not home with a house full of people. 0_0 I hate the fucking holidays.

I sound like I have a defeatist attitude because I do… How can I feel any other way being here?

Drunk Driving


It’s 12:30 am and it’s been six hours now of slamming doors. The ogre reminds me of a puppy. You know how people bring home a new puppy and put it in a kennel or room for the night? The puppy sits there and barks and whines ALL night. It is incredible how it has such staying vocal power. It never seems to get a hoarse throat or stop barking for hours. This is the ogre and door slamming. 

When I went to the bathroom earlier you could smell what I assume to be hard liquor. I wish he would just pass out and go to sleep, but no. You might wonder while reading the blog – if the man drinks 3-5 bottles of wine a day and eats out most every meal how does he make it to the pub sober? Answer: He does not. He always drives drunk. When the ogre was on speaking terms and asked DH and I to go to the pub with him a few times and we went I just wanted to jump out of the car. It was always in the back of my mind that we’d get in a crash, no matter the pub is only a mile away.  I got to where I would suggest DH and I walk over to get exercise to meet them…


The ogre comes home with his car messed up from time to time. One time he about tore the rim off one of his wheels and punctured the tire on the outer rim up high – not on the tread like he ran something over. He couldn’t explain how he did it, but it was the car companies fault. They had given him a can of fix-a-flat and told him it was the equivalent to a tire, so the ogre told us in a story we had to hear several times as he tried to garner sympathy. Who really thinks a can of foam? or whatever is a replacement for a tire? Nobody with a brain! So he had to sit down and write a strongly worded letter to the company to complain. This was before I knew he was nutsy-koo-koo and I asked quite innocently why he didn’t just make sure the brand new car he bought (no problem with the old one he just wanted a new one it seems) had a spare tire. He looked at me like I was the dumbest shit. Hell I had a spare, a can of fix-a-flat, jumper cables, a jack and an electronic code reader for my car… guess I should have just opted with the fix-a-flat.

He’s come home with the grill of his car bashed out several times, dents, his passenger side mirror completely shattered and hanging from a cable etc. Never explanations on how these occur. I could have a guess… being drunk and stupid. I think he’s hit and dented DH’s car about five months ago, but what can you do about it? Nothing or face the possible consequences of the ogre’s wrath. I wish one day that he’d get pulled over. DH says the ogre has gotten lots of tickets in the past mostly for speeding… oh why can’t he get pulled over for driving drunk…? And the sad thing is, if he ever did hit and kill someone he wouldn’t feel remorse, it would be the other person’s fault for x, y and z.


Contiued yet again.


So we put the extra recycling in a garbage bag and set it outside and clean up the dishes. Later that evening we get a knock on the bedroom door. Ogre wants DH to come downstairs for a talk. Of course at this time I’m freaked out. What is it about? Will there be a fist fight? Will we need to pack up and leave tonight? Are we getting kicked out? Ten minutes later DH comes back upstairs looking ready to cry.

First, while ogre was gone away I fed DH a couple McVitties cookies that was in the cupboard that was left open and going stale. THIS was an issue. No matter there was other bags of cookies, this was an issue. Ogre tells DH that we need to start buying our own groceries… um we DO! How do you think we eat? DH tells ogre that the only thing we ever eat is food that is rotting or about to go off of his. We aren’t allowed to do that anymore. If something is going moldy we are to let it mold. Ok. We see enough food rot a week, hundreds of pounds worth – it’s bad enough seeing it when you can barely afford food but my god I swear…

Ogre then says he’s been really nice to us and not charging us rent this year then tricks DH into admitting he has a job. Now granted DH makes less than minimum wage and we are living paycheck to paycheck unable to save any money for our next visa. Ogre now wants rent. No matter then man wastes at least 8,000+ pounds a month (even typing this makes it seem unreal and I’m sure the readers do as well, but it IS) on eating out, clothes, wine, trips, buying random shit etc. He is not hurting for money, it is a control thing. So now ogre wants us to get on the dole so he can have the money. Um no. That would cause possible visa problems. 

Then asked DH how our little “project” is going… you know our marriage. *sigh* He told DH he’s been so supportive of our marriage and visa… yet he tried to sabotage it at least four times! 

Then apparently we’ve stolen a garlic press. I’ve never seen one ever here. I wonder when the room will get searched for this new theft we’ve committed. 

DH must now take the recycling from ogre’s party to the tip. Doesn’t matter ogre is home all day and DH is working 12 hour days.

Ogre told DH that he didn’t mean to keep paying him two weeks after mum died. He meant to cut off the pay the day she died, he just got busy with funeral arrangements and forgot. Again, said to hurt DH and be a dick.

All during it he was patting DH on the back and smiling. Then asking “Are you ok? You sure?” Of course, he wanted DH furious and to take a swing then ogre could be the victim. If anything ogre got his jollies off knowing he’s upset DH. 

Needless to say DH got three hours of sleep last night and then had to go to work. It’s like this hell never ends. 

DH’s counsellor has asked me if I will come along to the next session and I think I will go. At least it will be someone to talk to about it, for now I don’t really talk to anyone, the situation is too embarrassing. Who really understand this type of life/covert abuse except those who have lived through it? Outsiders just see it as a dramafest, it’s not. Being treated subhuman for the last year and a half gets to you…



Did I tell you when ogre got back from France a couple weeks ago he brought DH a gift? A liter of milk from France with only a quarter of it left. Hot milk traveling in your car for hours… how thoughtful!


When ogre got back from his mom he was already in a pissy mood five minutes after he got home. He asks DH – “did you touch this?” Ogre is referring to the multiple bowls and cups with egg white in it. He doesn’t ask “Why didn’t you throw this out?” That would be being forward and making sense. Instead he asks a vague question that makes no sense. You have to figure out what he wants. Again, part of the PA act. DH tells him no, he didn’t touch it and figured it was oil. Then ogre goes on about something else. (I forget just what now)

While he was gone someone threw a “SOLD” real estate sign in the backyard. I admit it amused me. It was the big wooden pole and all. I wanted to stick it in the front yard for when the ogre got back. Ha-ha. Ogre said nothing about it but must have taken it to the tip/dump straight away or thrown in the woods. (He likes to throw shit in the woods) Within ten minutes of him coming home it was gone from the backyard and I guess loaded up in the car. Ogre also said nothing about the fact DH and I forgot to put out the bin that Monday. But, we knew that we’d either get punished or hear about it.

This was about a week ago. Since then it’s the same ol’ same old. Ogre purposely shitting in the toilet and not flushing, slamming doors, huffing and puffing, mumbling under his breath etc.

Then three days ago the ogre threw a ton of shit in the sink and left it. He does this from time to time. He will just dump and entire drawer of silverware into the sink and let it sit. So you have to wash them to have a utensil to use or the sink is cockblocked for washing other dishes. You have to deal with the damn silverware! So he did this and threw a ton of empty food containers in the sink and left it for two days. Finally we just had to clean it up there was no working around it anymore. I don’t know how to describe it, but we knew something was up. Apparently he was leaving the recyclable shit tossed in the nasty sink with dishes to show us they had no where to go because we didn’t put the bin out. 

Segmenting this into another post…

The ogre finally had his party.


It’s been quite awhile since I’ve last posted. DH got to take his remaining holiday from work – although he did get called every single day several times a day to come in. Plus getting called by all the time by another employee just so she can bitch and rant about work. I’m afraid I had to complain about that, the lady calls DH everyday anyway to unload her stress onto him, why do it when he’s on holiday? Jesus lady, give it a break for a few days will yah?


There is a lot of things that went on since I last wrote, but I tell you, unless I blog about it right away I usually forget about it. It’s like my brain only has room for so much stress at once and around here it’s like the stress factory. The conveyor belt is constantly bringing things down the line!  


Funny ogre joke of the month – take the salt grinder (You know, you put in rock sea salt and grind it?) empty the sea salt and put in regular table salt. Know what happens? The person using it grinds about four teaspoons of salt onto their food unbeknownst to them. Ha-Ha. Ogre you are too funny! Thanks for ruining a couple of my meals before I figured that little trick out!


The ogre had his dinner party – yes, the dinner table was set all fancy but to this day we were never notified that a party was happening. The kitchen was cockblocked again and based on the tons more ingredients and wine, there was a good 1000 pounds spent on this meal. Left overs?  Left out to rot and thrown away. So again DH and I couldn’t use the kitchen and had to spend money on eating something out. By one get one free pizza, but still.

Ten minutes before his guest arrive he tells DH that he needs the chair I use for to sit at the computer with. It is a dining room chair – fair enough it’s his. I use it because no one uses them or uses the table. I just wish he would have said something earlier about needing it. After about six hours of eating people finally leave and go home. Thank god.

The day after throwing his party the ogre went to his mother’s for a week and left DH and I alone. Yay! Ogre did leave a little mess and some things left out. Should we throw stuff away, should we not? The man eats rotting food so even if we think it’s throwaway-able he probably doesn’t. DH wants to throw some stuff away but I tell him to just leave it. We left out a tin of take away rice and egg yolks in a couple different containers he had cracked open when he created an entire bread pudding the night before. (For himself to eat in one setting I guess. Good for the diabetes!) The night before he left the also started making a cheesecake… we think.  He made some crumb base with a shit ton of melty butter in a round cake tin. Nothing else. But over the course of the evening the crust in the pan started to disappear. Ogre was just eating oily cookie/biscuit crumbs… The next day he took it with him along with some ingredients – marscapone cheese etc.  

Two disturbing things – he took half of an eaten crust along with other ingredients to his mom’s to either finish eating on the way or use the half eaten crust to continue making that cheesecake. Also, he took ingredients with him, he doesn’t have a cooler, they need to be kept cool. It was at least a four hour drive up north. Wouldn’t the stuff be questionable to use by then?



It’s so nice to be, ogre free!


Aren’t I a poet?  I had something happen really terrible the last day but I don’t want to talk about it just yet. I don’t think I can talk so conversational about it as I do with everything else I discuss on here because it is honestly very shocking and hurtful. Maybe I will discuss it later this week as I think it can be a benefit for people to read and think about.

Good stuff: No ogre! I made another nice dinner last night! I have been freely going about my business – doing the dishes, laundry etc at my leisure! It almost feels normal. It’s amazing how when the ogre is gone both DH and I feel like our “other” ogre life can’t be a reality.  I may even make some Halloween cookies and bake some banana bread this week! I really like baking btw so it really makes me happy that I can get the chance to do this! 

Bad News: Garage screwed up on car. Took three days for it to get fixed because they ordered the wrong radiator.  DH’s work was NOT happy.  DH put in for a couple days next week a few months ago for holiday – seems he has to go back into work for some training during that time which will probably be canceled again.. 😦 (He drives over there, then finds trainings/classes canceled then has to come home) So it will be one of those days – where you can’t plan to do much because of the location and time involved. DH applied for a higher position at work and had to rearrange his interview (he went to the interview and no one was there, they forgot to tell him it was canceled) with his lead, now his lead and other higher ups up and quit so who knows about the position now. The very head person quit as well and a new person has just come in probably not knowing anything about the positions. Getting DH to bug them about it will be somewhat of a hassle and probably not worth it if he is trying to find another job. I think most of the negatives this week is DH’s work.   It is funny, they are always hurting for people and I’m hurting for a job – but I don’t have a car and one is required due to the constant driving to clients – and getting another car (which we can’t afford and this one is probably on the way out) isn’t feasible. It’s just one of those things you have to laugh about. I did get an offer of a job… 2 hours away. It would only cost 800 pounds a month to get to via the train. I can tell you right now I would only be making about 100 pounds a month if that… well before taxes started to come out. Ha-Ha. *wipes tear from maniacal laughter*