Christmas Cards

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House stunk to high hell last night due to the leek/cream soup sitting on the counter on a hot day rotting away.  DH and I actually woke up about 3/4am and complained to each other about the stench.  It had gotten so bad it was now in our room – never mind the stink had to travel through several closed doors (every door in the house must be closed at all times – I guess so they can be opened and slammed, who knows?) and a floor to get to us. It was nauseating.  

Yesterday more door slamming, today so far endless door slamming and grumbling.  What a miserable old man.  The ogre has finally gone away for how long who knows.  Its been for an hour now. So far I’ve taken plates downstairs, recyclables, hand washed DH’s shirt and hung it out (then it started raining on it briefly – sigh), made DH sandwiches and took out meat to thaw. I know, I said I wouldn’t make him sandwiches again… and he didn’t make and take any today. 

Yesterday afternoon I sat down and typed up two pages about my feelings on DH’s dishonesty and let him read it when he got home yesterday. He said he understood that more clearly than when we would talk about it. I said we are on a clean slate now. I told him that I will not stop loving him if he does something bad, but I deserve to be able to have negative feelings about things.  He can’t lie or withhold information because he is afraid I’ll be disappointed in him. So, we’ll see. There are some other issues we’ve discussed lately and he’s made efforts on that, so who knows.  I won’t turn a blind eye thinking everything is fixed now but rather just see how it goes, nor will I give him chance after chance.  

Anyway – another fun thing of the day – I checked the bins as usual when fatso left. Apparently I got mail today. Again the Ogre took it upon himself to open it, tear off the address label (he does with everything then shred it) and throw it out in the recycling bin.  I really hate this. A lot of contact I have with people is via writing snail mail letters.  I never tell them the ogre goes through my mail and throws some of it away.  I believe they would want to stop writing or fear he’s reading what they write. I have periods where their letters get lost and I have to wonder… last Christmas according to friends I write/talk to – unless they flat out lied to me or it got lost on the way here – I was missing about 7ish Christmas cards.  

I even began to wonder if the Ogre stole them and hung them up as his own.  You see he hangs the cards he gets all over the house every year. There are at least 300ish Christmas cards strung over various rooms. I think the cards are really strung up to try to impress people that he *knows* 300 people at least! Yet I’ve never seen him with a friend… 

Sometimes I amuse myself wondering what these people are thinking who send him cards.  “Did you fill out the card for the ogre honey?” “I thought we agreed we’d stop sending cards to that egotistical man!” “You know we can’t.  If we do he’ll just call and let us know in some passive aggressive way that he’s not received it yet.” “Oh for fucks sake! Fine, but I’m sending him this ugly patchwork Santa card then!”

So, I’m not sure what to do about mail.  I can’t report my mail stolen either because that will cause all sorts of hell that would definitely get us kicked out. I’m thinking about asking one of DH’s friends if I can have people mail their letters there. I wish we could also just have our regular mail sent there too, but we need our mail at this address right now for our future visa.  I also have decided that I am going to try counselling.  I am going to call the GP on Monday (when the ogre is gone) and see about getting a referral to talk to someone on how to cope better.  Which could be another problem because when DH has been referred somewhere they always send a letter to the house stating what it’s for and when the appointment is.  Since my mail does not get to me reliably I will have to tell the people that I cannot have that sent to the house. Then there is the chance that the information will not be relayed. I hate this shit. Why does it have to be all these hurdles to jump through? 

I see from prowling the bin this morning to see what other things of mine were possibly tossed away that the ogre has bought himself another 80 pound dress shirt. I swear he buys one on a weekly basis.  Every event that he goes to he buys all new clothing. The man has a 12 foot closet upstairs full to the brim with his shit (last time I saw it about a year ago) then has another closet in the pantry room that is 5 feet long full of shit. You can see how this irks me when I talked about how the man could not even buy DH a pair of trousers or a package of socks all those years.  DH now owns four pairs of jeans and a pair of shorts and we just got him a new pair of shoes because he had a big hole in the bottom of them and he was basically walking in rain and tearing holes in his socks. 

It had to return didn’t it?

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Well the sound of the ogre’s “office” door slamming twelve times in the last four minutes tells me that he is back home. Yay. Color me thrilled. I am trying to be more positive about things, I really am, but everyday is a struggle.

I feel like everything in life is so dependent on money and I hate this.  I really hate that if DH and I don’t earn a certain amount or have a certain amount in savings I can’t be with him.  Sometimes I feel jealous when I hear about other expats here that have husbands that have a stable well paying job and there is no stress on them to meeting visa financial requirements.

I hate that DH could be in a stable job with his own place had it not been for the last 10 years caring for his mother.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great thing to do, but it should have been only helping a few hours a week, not 80+ hours for ten years! I could see needing the extra help if the ogre was working (but he’s retired) and couldn’t afford to pay for a carer if he couldn’t care for her himself. (He could have taken care of her and has plenty of money to hire a carer) Instead he used his son. Free labor while you can fuck off all day? WHY NOT? The old man has lived his life I hate that he put DH’s on hold for his own selfishness.

Due to this it’s like DH and I are 17 again and on our own again for the fist time.  Except we have nothing. It’s like we had a house fire and the only things we were able to save were some clothes. We have no furniture, we’ll have no bed when we finally do move out, pots, pans, plates? Nope.  At least at 17 I moved out, had furniture, housing items and a job.  I wasn’t strapped with $70k worth of student loans building almost $7k interest yearly.

All this above is something we can overcome – if I can get a job!!

It’s almost been a year of me job hunting and no one will hire me and DH works for a place that exploits him and makes him work horribly long hours for less than minimum wage. I am happy we can eat and pay for bills like car insurance and DH’s phone but that’s all we can afford. We can’t move out, save to pay for the upcoming visa or have savings to show that I can stay with DH.  All these things not happening cause other issues as well. One of them I hate thinking about but seem to be having constant nightmares about – my cat back home.  I was sure I would have had a job by this autumn and in a place of our own so my ex could ship my cat overseas. Nope! It’s expensive to bring your pet here, around 1500 – 2000 pounds.  Now in a month or so I don’t know what will happen, will she be put to sleep or taken to a shelter where she may not be adopted due to her age.  Best case scenario is that my ex can keep her for longer, but I am doubting this as he too is passive aggressive.  Yes, it seems I attract PA people.  It took eleven years of being with him and three years away from him to figure out just what he was and why he did the things he did.

I feel like I will never escape this place of horror. I think, make the best of it, but how exactly do you do that without going nuts.  Sure I could go downstairs and continue on with my life when the ogre is there right? But he won’t leave you alone.  He won’t let you get on with your business, he will follow you around and linger or knock you out of the way if he needs to get by. He cannot stop trying to draw attention to himself or by constantly letting you know that he despises you. I’m so tired of getting death glares from him.  I just want to laugh at his attempts to be a passive aggressive asshole, but I’m not that stupid. The man can explode quite easily and become violent. That’s another reason why I don’t want to be anywhere around him when DH is not home. If he hits me I can’t report it because then we would be kicked out and have no place to stay due to finances at this time. You can’t exactly be homeless on a visa or it causes problems, well at least if you are non EU.

So I do what I can, I come out of the room about an hour a day usually early in the morning to make DH’s lunch and breakfast for work. The rest of the time I am in this room.  A lot of times I am hungry. The longest I’ve gone without food due to the ogre has been 37 hours a couple months ago.  Well, going hungry isn’t great and doesn’t help me be very energetic about finding a job.  A lot of times I try to sleep off the hunger or anxiety I feel from being here. So, I have opted to buy one of those big cans of protein powders and just have those for meals when I cannot get to the kitchen.  You only need water to make it, which most of the time I have upstairs. I don’t think its a great substitution for a meal but it is better than nothing and is less than a pound “a meal”.  So we will be ordering that this week. It’s a bit of an investment, but hopefully it will help some. I was lucky enough to find one that does not have any of the multiple things I am allergic too, and ships in 3-5 days from Germany.

I wanted to share some pics of my lovely cat that someday I really hope I can see again, her name is Wellsie.

 

well well2