I forgot about the stares


I can’t believe I didn’t mention this in my previous posts already. I was reminded of this last night during counselling. The day after the ogre came back from holiday I told myself I would be brave and go downstairs and watch tv in the sun lounge. When he was gone I got into a routine of coming home from work in the morning and making breakfast and watching an hour of tv before going on with my day. It was really difficult to go watch tv. I do not like being here with him alone, let alone out of my room. It took a lot of courage and I did not enjoy one minute of watch that hour of tv. In that hour I got stared at while the ogre was in the back garden – staring in at me as I made my bowl of cereal. After watching tv for 20 minutes the ogre could not help himself but come into the sun lounge (which is a 7x 6 room, so he was standing fairly close to me) and throw a plastic bin into the room, huff, sigh and leave. Then he proceeded to get his bowl of cereal and stand outside the sun lounge close up to the window and eat his cereal and he stared in and watched my watching tv until he finished his breakfast. Both times I had to pretend I didn’t notice him. Who stands outside and stares into a window eating their breakfast while staring at you? One could say, oh maybe he was interested in what you were watching? I highly doubt he cares about wife swap.

It’s stuff like that that makes me feel afraid of him. I am constantly being watched when I am out of the room and from previous blog entries I have stated even if I am holed up in the room I cannot have the curtain open because he will stand in the back yard and stare up at my window watching me. To me, he is a scary predator. 

The sink is still full of his curry dishes as expected. We couldn’t get in to the sink to wash dishes or cook here yesterday. He is home this morning and so far, no breakfast for me. Forget bravery, after his hijinx the last few days I’m not risking it. Hopefully he will go out soon. 

As I was mopping the floor at my morning job I was thinking – how the hell did this all happen? Will I be stuck in abusive relationships my whole life? Granted when my DH and I got married I wasn’t imagining an extravagant lifestyle – just us loving each other, sharing our experiences and life together. I guess I got that… but it wasn’t what I was hoping for. I never imagined I would be subjected to this. Our counsellor tried to ask if maybe DH’s dad acts like way because he has diabetes and diabetes can make people a bit off apparently. I despair with this counsellor some days. I feel like I have to constantly explain why DH’s dad acts the way he does and about NPD people. The only thing good coming out of this counselling is working on DH and I’s communication skills. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain the logic/reasons behind why the ogre acts the way he does. Granted the counsellor isn’t focused on personality disorders but surely she’s learned something about them in school. At this time we cannot change our counsellor because the only way we can see someone since we’ve run out of sessions now is through our last extension that can only be done with this counsellor. 

Sometimes I wonder if this was ever meant to be. There are so many roadblocks thrown at us constantly. We scrimp/save/don’t eat and save money. Then some catastrophe happens and we have to spend the savings on living, new car etc. We can never get ahead. DH’s job goes to shit and now it’s a part time job and no one is hiring him. I can’t find a full time job. I’m working piddly hours walking 7+ miles a day which doesn’t work well with me because of my hip and back problems. I was born with dislocated hips and spent time in a waist cast. I’ve had hip problems and back problems all my life. I need constant adjustments which I cannot afford and are not covered here. Walking any sort of length of time causes all sorts of issues for me. It can’t be helped, but feels like a roadblock. I have so many health issues that cause more health issues… I feel like I have enough of my plate and I have set backs that make doing things difficult, why can’t I get a break? Why can’t my husband and I both make a living wage so we can move out? I’m not asking for a mansion, just a tiny place. It could be a studio. I’m tired anymore. I feel like a shell of myself and soulless. Why can’t I just even go to my hour morning job and do it without worry that I will be found out or harassed by the ogre? Why can’t I just eat breakfast and watch tv without being antagonized? I am so tired. So very tired.




About once a month, the ogre gets his man-pms. For about a week he acts like a super terd, the rest of the time just an irritating terd.

Terdiness over the last three days:

More door slamming

DH and I getting the “peeps” – usually he’ll stare out at us through the blind or window whenever we come or go. When he’s extra crabby he just opens the door and stands there and stares at us until we drive off. Btw, the front door to the car is about five feet. So it is very hard to pretend we don’t see him glaring at us.

Stealing and eating our food again. Jam and butter yesterday. This morning I find a piece of our bread out on the back lawn for the birds. I guess he tried to make toast (which I have never seen him eat in 3 years here and he doesn’t buy loaf bread only baps and rolls) burned it (toaster hasn’t worked correctly in years and burns one side of the toast) and tossed it out there. I checked his bread box. He still has rolls in there to eat. So good enough reason to move our box of cereal and loaf of bread (which we being silly we left downstairs this week) back to the bedroom. 

Coming into our room and going through our things.

I get home last night exhausted. I walked 7 miles for work and the weather was rotten. Gusty winds and sprinkling rain. Not horrible, but walking 1.5 hours in it you get cold and wet. You know how it is, you get near your door and your body is so tired but relieved you could just give out on the spot. It knows that it can lay down soon! Wrong! The ogre spotted me about five feet from the door last night. Oh good, we can play the game of him not wanting to let me in. Never mind I have a key. He is just going to stand there almost face to the glass staring at me and leaning against the door with both arms on it, almost like pushing it so I won’t be able to open the door. Ok. I literally said “fuck this” and turned around and left. The last thing I wanted to do was walk more in the cold and rain, but I don’t want to play games either. DH wasn’t off work at the earliest for another 1.5 hours. So I had to walk another mile and a bit to the grocery store I JUST went by to warm up. I had to literally stop and take two breaks I was so tired. One I just sat on the wet sidewalk and rested as there was nothing else around to sit on, the next one down the road I found a bus stop. Finally DH got to the store and we went home. My plans for making dinner… too exhausted. I got DH a frozen pizza for a 1.50 and he had that and I ate a bowl of cereal.

Every morning I bring our dishes down and soak them in the sink for the hour I am away and do in them in the morning. I take down the dishes this morning. Sink full of orange greasy water. The ogre has put all the plastic curry take out containers he is going to throw away in the sink again to sit there. They will sit there for days as usual. I see the butter container he threw in the sink yesterday, which I took out has migrated back in there. I’m not doing his nasty greasy dishes. Ok, I am. But later. After he takes the plates out of the sink and silverware he’s put in with the containers and not put any soap on them and just put them on the drying rack I will rewash them because they will be orange and greasy. I am not using nasty unwashed dishes. But for now, I am not washing that crap. So our dishes will start piling up in the room because there is no where else to wash them at. 

Ogre put his shit (faeces) in the bathtub again. 

I saw the downstairs toilet door was open. Not sure if he shit in the toilet again and left it. Sad I even have to ponder that.

Well, only about 4 more days of him being a jerk face.

I got a second job, but my coworker might be a stalker.


Well… things are going ok. Ups and downs. I’m still working at the hour a day job so that’s good I guess. Downsides – always end up working off the clock because there is not enough time to get all my work done plus they always put extra work on me that I think? isn’t in my contract. I’m not sure. I never received one. Still no uniform. A few times a week the employees there mess up my janitorial closet so that I have to rearrange it just so I can squeeze in. They keep unplugging my floor machine so now it hasn’t worked in two days. I don’t know if it’s broke. I have to call my boss today about it. So I’ve had to hand mop the entire store floor, which surprisingly takes less time then running the machine and filling/emptying it. Unfortunately my mop bucket is broken and nearly impossible to wring out the mop or have more than an inch of water in there. Ah well.

The fun thing is, the ogre came into the store the other morning. I almost walked into him. I turned about face and tried to hurry to the back before he spotted me, but of course the store was full of people and two school kids who were in absolutely no hurry were in front of me, so I had to shuffle towards the back. Literally. That’s how slow these kids were going, nor did I want to draw attention to my American voice by saying excuse me. So, I don’t know if he saw me or not. I had a nice five minute panic attack in my closet.

If he saw me, the ogre would just let it stew for awhile. He never says anything right away, it will be use later when more convenient. So now I am in such a rush to get the front of the store done so I can hide in the back. Of course cleaning in a small store with a ton of customers makes it nearly impossible to get things done quickly. So it makes me pissy. I’m so stressed about it I just want to yell at people most times. Like when I am putting down a floor mat and I’ve not even finished laying one side down on the floor and people just start walking onto it. WTF. Or when people walk right on and stand in my pile of dirt, cardboard boxes etc I am sweeping into a pile.

Regardless, the Ogre has to know something is going on as DH and I leave in the morning together. He’ll get to the bottom of it, he always does. I wonder if he will try to extract the huge 6.31 I make there?

So, I started another job in the evenings. Together with the other one I have to walk 7 miles a day for a big 3 hours worth of work. Yesterday I got lost and added on 2 extra miles. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so hilly, but it is. It sucks. Everything on me hurts. There is a bus that goes there, but I would be losing money to take it. The job is cleaning as well. I work with an old guy and he seems ok… or did. My first day there I met the lady who hired me and she asked where I lived so I gave the general area. She turns to my coworker and asks him does he live near there, he says no and says the opposite side of town, OK. Later that night he inquires if I have another job and I tell him I do. He asks where the store is located and I tell him, then he asks how  many hours I work and what hour. I thought he was just being chatty and thought nothing of it. The next day he asks me again to tell him where the store is. Now I feel weird. Part of me is like, maybe he will try to steal my cleaning job from me? Because that’s how desperate for a job I am.

Anyway, I am walking to work yesterday and see him near my work walking, like two stores from it. Then I think, what if I’m right!? So I get worked up about it and then get lost and add on those two extra miles. Then I have to race to work. I get there and he’s already there. That night he asks more questions about me, my ethnicity etc. Then as we are about to leave he gives me compliments saying my smile is cute etc. I reply with “mmmhmm” as I am thinking aloud. He tells me he did not say that to pick up on me. We say our goodbyes and I start walking.

I don’t have a good history of walking home or to work when it is darker out. I have been sexually assaulted before, people have tried to grab me and drag me into a car and I have had other things happen. I do not like walking when it is starting to get dark. Well I am so tired that I am stumbling along and taking my time to get home. I check my watch here and there and by the time I am about 1.5 miles from home it is dark out. I feel a hand on my shoulder after about 40 miles of walking and it’s him! WTF. He tells me someone at the office (98% were already gone when we left) gave him a ride and he wasn’t sure if he should drop him off at the grocery store, but the coworker told him to drop him off right here and lo and behold there I was walking. Then he tells me he usually takes the bus home (not sure if a bus runs that late there). So why didn’t he take the bus? And why would he stay there like 35 minutes later for a coworker to come up to him and offer him a ride? It would have taken them 10 minutes tops in traffic to get to where I was. I don’t know if I believe it. I am afraid he followed me. He said goodbye out on a main road but I felt so tired and paranoid the entire trip home. This morning from work I looked around to see if he was following me.  I know he probably wouldn’t try that twice so closely if he was weird. But now I am worried. I told DH last night and he tried to reason it off as maybe the guy was being nice… yeah… ok.

I am trying for an overnight job. I hope I get it. I don’t want to go back there and now tonight I have to walk by myself home again 😦

If that wasn’t bad. I get home, tired, worried and just want a sandwich. In the sink is the ogre’s carton of butter – empty. I guess that was left for us to wash, who knows. So I go into our fridge. You know, the one where we’ve asked him several times to stay out of, but he just steals food and eats out of our jars/tubs with a spoon? Well he used our butter then put it in his fridge. A normal person might say – oh he just borrowed some and forgot to put it back in your fridge. No, he didn’t. With PA people there’s a message. So I did something childish last night. I had had it after my terrible day. All I wanted was a sandwich. So I filled the tub up about half an inch full of some random cooking oil I found and put it back into his fridge.  Have it. All yours. And he probably will just eat it. As I saw from this morning there is jam smeared all on the side of the cupboard. Apparently he ate our jam too late night. Sweet.

Edit: Because I forgot to mention – you’d think we’d be safe in the hour I go to work in the morning as far as the Ogre staying out of our bedroom right? Wrong! Every time we leave the house I have to hide important papers: Dh’s pay slips, rotas, etc. In the mornings I’ve been leaving them on his desk because I’m only gone one hour early. Well, after two days of the door suspiciously not being closed when I got home plus DH finding something brought upstairs and tossed in our bedroom we know now that the Ogre takes the opportunity to rifle through our stuff in the morning as well. Joy of joys. (I thought DH brought it in and so I said nothing for days until he said something)

There really is no hope for me


When you leave a relationship with a passive aggressive/narc person whether it be romantic, friend based or workplace based you never want to experience that again. Ever. You might even get hyper vigilant in hopes of never being snared in their trap again. Well, I honestly thought I was doing well. And no, I am not talking about my husband or his dad.

Awhile back I mentioned three ladies from an online community which I am a part of and run the occasional event for. I got along with two of them until number three came along and they started acting very PA. After that I tried to separate myself from them and their drama. I was one of the community leads with them and recently told them I wanted to step down and just be a member and enjoy my time like other members just having fun and not having to deal with extra work. Besides, as one of the leads I was suppose to be involved in decisions etc, but nothing was ever told to me and if it was the complete opposite was done ten minutes later. I was told immediately they wanted to go another direction with things. Like five minutes after I said I wanted to step down. The direction they took was not discussed with our members and affected a good 120ish people. It was tossed on them about twenty minutes after telling me. A lot of people were upset. Many people left the community. DH is part of this community along with I and the older members asked him to form a new community. So he did. I have no idea how it will go, this is not something we planned. We wanted to enjoy ourself not have to run things. But I am trying to support DH in this. 

I was notified by one of the old community members and sent logs and screenshots given to them by a third party who was contacted by these leads. The person who sent the screenshots was kicked from our community for a few reasons. The kicked person did cause some issues. I am not sorry they had to leave it was causing stress. However the lead told the person kicked months ago that it was DH and I’s fault. We made them do it. Which was not true. We really had no say in anything. They said we had gotten so out of control behavior wise and forced them to do lots of things they didn’t want to do. What I don’t know, it didn’t say. But it said they decided to change the community to affect those hundredish people because of us. But now that we’ve left the community they thought they’d tell this person how it really is and how much they really liked them. 

Then these people tried to blacklist me from the larger community as a whole. This was heard by another person and they brought this to my attention. I feel so devastated. The people from the old community that wanted to make a new one will probably be affected by this. People will be reluctant to run any events with us, join or take us seriously. It really breaks my heart. 

However, we gave the new community a heads up, that they will probably be blacksheeps as well because of this. The person who gave us this information, screenshots etc came and spoke about it. The response was tremendous! People although they did not know the behinds the scenes drama were very supportive of me and DH and told us they wish the leads would fuck off.

Some community members who left and were told by the leads that they were welcome to as the direction was changing. They were subjected to harassment and malice. I have a feeling this won’t be the end of it the harassment and trying to sabotage us. I feel like an utter heel for letting this happen. I should have seen through their facade months ago. Will I truly ever be able to stay away from relationships with people with PD’s?

Regardless, I’ve had a lot of outpouring of support and people who have told their stories to me about these two leads. I guess I caught them at a “normal” time and they cause this drama every six months to a year. It sounds silly but it has really upset me. I’ve had five hours of sleep in the last two days and I don’t know if I can even sleep now. I know this sounds utterly stupid, but I thought these people were my friends. I loved chatting with them on skype the last eight months as things are pretty dismal and lonely here. 

I hope they just leave me alone.

Tired Night


I’ve had a rough night, but I’ll talk about some funny things first.

Ogre comes back from trip last week and gives DH a package of pak choi. Ogre tells DH that he remembers how DH asked for Pak choi and they didn’t have any at the store, so he saw some and bought it. This was over TWO years ago when DH asked for this… you know when we were all kind of civil still. 

Ogre had multiple desserts he made for his dinner party – all cream and fruit. He let them sit out for two days then put them in the fridge. Then we went away for almost a week came back to them uncovered in the fridge and tried to eat them. One was already half eaten from him, so he tried finishing it off when he got back. DH said he went “ungh” and flushed it but proceeded to eat the next rotten dessert… 0_0

Now onto rants. The boiler has been making horrific sounds for three weeks now. Sounds that make you think someone is trying to break into the house. This happens every few months. The boiler breaks down. Ogre could buy a new one quite easily but paying someone to fix an ancient boiler and waste the money on booze, new clothes and his 80th set of fancy dinner plates is more important. So it’s been a balmy high 40’s/50 degrees in here since Thursday. My fingers and toes are numb, the hot water bottle and blanket aren’t doing much at all. I stink and just want to take a shower. I will have to man up and shower with you know freezing water later. Going down and boiling multiple kettles of water to bathe with… with the ogre here…haha. yeah, right.

The power went out several times last night then came back on, which meant the house alarm went off several times at you know… 3am, 4am ish. That was terrifying to say the least. DH had to deal with all that, Ogre couldn’t be bothered. Ogre would rather stand there and try to discuss why it’s going off over the loud wails then go take care of it. So last night was broken, terrifying and freezing sleep. I am hoping the ogre will just check himself into a hotel to get away from the cold. 

Now that the boiler is broken will the fix it man need to get into our bedroom on monday to get at the airing cupboard? Ogre is not telling us. So that will likely be a surprise. 

I got a call back from a job I applied for. It’s only an hour a day cleaning, but whatever. It’s food money. I have the interview on monday… I had to get a proof of bank account from my bank today (I have no statements or money in my account so I have to go there to get proof :/) as I got the call about it late Friday night… bank is closed on the weekends. OK…so I get to do that on Monday plus get ready for this interview stealthly with a fix it man possibly going in and out of the bedroom and the ogre lurking about. Ah well. 

Still no resolution on this mobile phone. The company said they sent me a corrupted sim card when I bought the phone and have yet to send out a new one. It’s been three weeks now. It’s not worked day one since October. This is stupid. What can I do? I found the email of the company’s CEO and head office CSR lady. I am thinking about emailing them about it. I don’t know what else can be done. I’m in the process of finding a new mobile company for DH as well. I don’t want to deal with that company anymore – they are too expensive and CS sucks!

I will further whine: Make nice lunch for me and DH. I take mine upstairs, he goes to work… I set my plate on my “Desk”. My desk is a dresser that is about three feet long and about a foot and a half wide. Ontop is the PC, monitor, speakers, mouse and my keyboard which has to be positioned sideways and about a quarter of it hanging off the desk. When I type it makes this terrible sound as the keyboard is being pushed slightly off the table when I type on the left side and when I let off the keys the keyboard falls back down on the chest. Pretty ghetto. I don’t know why I thought I’d put my plate there. Well it got knocked off within the first two minutes of sitting there and the oily noodle contents went all over the printer, xbox controller (glad I don’t actually have an xbox or that would have probably been covered in crap too), down the side of the bed fabric, the wall and all over papers. 

It was a horrible mess to clean up. And basically there went my dinner. Not the usual crap dinner we had but good dinner. I paid 1.88 for a bag of pancit noodles and sauce and added veggies and a piece of pork to it. So maybe 3.50 on this meal for both of us. This is how mad I get … I think, that is nothing… but we don’t spend that much on food! Our meals are less than a pound a meal usually. Rice and veggies that’s what we eat for most meals, that or cheap ramen. So, although it sounds like nothing, I basically in my eyes just ruined a steak dinner. Pathetic. Whole situation pathetic.

While I was trying to clean up the mess I was knocking things off shelves as I do when I walk by them because there is almost zero walking room in here, which only made me madder. In the morning DH has to stand on the bed over me and get his clothes out of the closet. I’m so tired of this. 

I put out more job apps and have been emailed some apps to mail back. Hopefully that goes somewhere. Tired of spending basically a meals worth of money to mail these apps back with NO responses whatsoever or if I follow up with them I get… guess what.. no responses. 

I’m becoming just bitter and hateful. I’ve always been the one that never found it hard to find a job and held multiple jobs at once. I’ll do whatever, I’m not too good for a job. I always did what I had to do meet my bills. Maybe it’s just a new era or something – maybe the economy is too shitty. Maybe they don’t want to fuss with foreigners. I don’t know, but I’d love if I could just find a job.





Try to escape… you find more crazies!


Ogre went away for a few days  and came back yesterday. Same ol… DH and I were able to go up in the loft and hunt around for his childhood photos which we’ve claimed. At least that was something. We found some rather odd ones of his mom and it’s got both of us worked up. I think his gran must have tried to um…well either help them get married by all these advertising pics she had of her daughters or sold them or did some arranged marriage thing. Either way, we are a bit creeped out and left with some questions. Questions that will likely never be answered. The further we go down the rabbit hole in this family the stranger it gets.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. It would take me eons to type about this next subject so I will keep it brief. I do a lot of online community events, I like to plan stuff… I have been working with two women for months, well since summer that have been fine. Well a third friend of theirs joins us and it has been nothing but chaos and drama. From someone in my position as now seeing how PA/Narc people play out and their games I want to get far away. Woman #3 constantly psychologically abuses woman #1. Woman #2 watches and abuses #1 as well. The abused comes back for more with apologies and giving #3 anything she wants. Now #3 has tried to start shit and ruin an event I was hosting online. I had to talk to this infant today because I won’t tolerate this. I was told I should make concessions for her because her life is crap – it’s not. She then went on to lie to me about things, etc. etc. All the while being demeaning and PA.

I think, my god. I love this community, I love the people – but #3 has got 1 and 2 so codependent and gullible that there are literally destroying the community. As I know from experience, there is no talking to them and making them see she is nuts. I’m slowly being pushed to the side while they eat up more abuse. I learned today that #1 has felt sorry that the abuser didn’t get her way last time (even though she did) and felt so sorry for her that she gave her a higher up position and more projects. (which she will fail to do as always)

This has brought a lot of stress to my life since December, DH as well. He is involved in this community. We have decided to focus on the members and ignore her, however if there is one more incident (major -hell everyday its minor ones with her) we are leaving. And when we leave we will be blacklisted pretty much from those communities forever, the leaders have so much pull.

I think… something I do to relax me, help others and be creative and now it’s nothing but a source of stress. How many people with personality disorders do I have to run into…. I must be a magnet. It’s really sad given my current situation that I do this to have some escapism and now I”m running into the same psychological shit there too. 


EDIT: I forgot to mention that woman #3 has a woman living with her and her husband. Supposedly. Apparently they are helping this woman get back on her feet… but I really have my suspicions. She has no qualms telling the community all about this woman she’s took in, her past (which is quite tragic) and how much she hates this woman but can’t toss her out or take her to a shelter or try to contact friends or family to come help her out. If you give suggestions she won’t hear of it. She says the lady cries at a drop of the hat and other things that sound very odd. From someone looking in it might appear as the boarder might be crazy but yeah after talking with woman #3 and seeing her in action… I think she’s another PA/Narc 0_0

Weirdo job lady


I haven’t written in awhile. I had and still have a random infection in my middle finger. Typing was very painful. It is still red and hideous looking but at least the swelling has gone down and I can bend it again. I learned that getting a cream like neosporin at the pharmacy does not happen here. One must get a prescription for it. So that was 7 pounds we didn’t have. 

Third counselling session we had was wasted. The counsellor started off asking how we were doing and DH went into an hour long rant about the ogre. We have at LEAST a one hour rant or more about him a day. I feel we waste too much time on this and we essentially wasted our therapy session.  I told DH I don’t want to mindlessly rant about the ogre at our sessions again. We only get so many. So we’ll see. 

I had a really annoying thing happen last week about a day before the finger infection. I got an email from a lady about a cleaning job I applied for. It was for 4 hours a day in a town about 16 miles round trip to get there. I applied and she emailed back saying she was inviting ALL people who applied to come to this warehouse building at noon in a day and a half. She said please let me know if you are coming. As she emailed it around 5pm that day I emailed her the next morning around 8. I asked her if the job would require a car to drive around and clean office buildings or would I just clean at the warehouse location. It did not say in the ad nor was there a contact address to ask when applying. I never hear back from the lady and I”m not wasting money on two buses to get over there to find out I need a car. At 12:06 DH receives a call from the woman. (Remember I am having mobile issues STILL from a mobile service and I can’t use mine) She demands to know where I am and asks DH if I got into an accident and that she drove 3 hours to get here just to interview me. Btw, I never heard anything more from this woman.

A few things: First she asked me to confirm I was coming. I emailed with a question, she never replied. Surely if you were asking for a confirmation you’d check your email.. Second who calls six minutes into an interview demanding to know where someone is? Couldn’t she have interviewed the next person. I mean she did say she invited all people who applied to come. Then she asks DH if I’ve gotten into an accident? WTF. So he said he went into panic mode thinking I went to this thing and something happened to me. And lastly – claims to have driven three hours just to interview me. What about all the other people you said were coming? And the company I emailed her the question at isn’t three hours away… So the whole thing made me really mad. I think I dodged a bullet working for a nutcase like that. 

Other than that, on the job front nothing but declines. I asked one place to give me feedback on my cv and why I wouldn’t be asked for an interview for the role of a project manager assistant (which I’ve done). That was last week… nothing… it’s nothing special, this happens alot. I ask for feedback I get dead air.