Try to escape… you find more crazies!

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Ogre went away for a few days  and came back yesterday. Same ol… DH and I were able to go up in the loft and hunt around for his childhood photos which we’ve claimed. At least that was something. We found some rather odd ones of his mom and it’s got both of us worked up. I think his gran must have tried to um…well either help them get married by all these advertising pics she had of her daughters or sold them or did some arranged marriage thing. Either way, we are a bit creeped out and left with some questions. Questions that will likely never be answered. The further we go down the rabbit hole in this family the stranger it gets.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. It would take me eons to type about this next subject so I will keep it brief. I do a lot of online community events, I like to plan stuff… I have been working with two women for months, well since summer that have been fine. Well a third friend of theirs joins us and it has been nothing but chaos and drama. From someone in my position as now seeing how PA/Narc people play out and their games I want to get far away. Woman #3 constantly psychologically abuses woman #1. Woman #2 watches and abuses #1 as well. The abused comes back for more with apologies and giving #3 anything she wants. Now #3 has tried to start shit and ruin an event I was hosting online. I had to talk to this infant today because I won’t tolerate this. I was told I should make concessions for her because her life is crap – it’s not. She then went on to lie to me about things, etc. etc. All the while being demeaning and PA.

I think, my god. I love this community, I love the people – but #3 has got 1 and 2 so codependent and gullible that there are literally destroying the community. As I know from experience, there is no talking to them and making them see she is nuts. I’m slowly being pushed to the side while they eat up more abuse. I learned today that #1 has felt sorry that the abuser didn’t get her way last time (even though she did) and felt so sorry for her that she gave her a higher up position and more projects. (which she will fail to do as always)

This has brought a lot of stress to my life since December, DH as well. He is involved in this community. We have decided to focus on the members and ignore her, however if there is one more incident (major -hell everyday its minor ones with her) we are leaving. And when we leave we will be blacklisted pretty much from those communities forever, the leaders have so much pull.

I think… something I do to relax me, help others and be creative and now it’s nothing but a source of stress. How many people with personality disorders do I have to run into…. I must be a magnet. It’s really sad given my current situation that I do this to have some escapism and now I”m running into the same psychological shit there too. 

 

EDIT: I forgot to mention that woman #3 has a woman living with her and her husband. Supposedly. Apparently they are helping this woman get back on her feet… but I really have my suspicions. She has no qualms telling the community all about this woman she’s took in, her past (which is quite tragic) and how much she hates this woman but can’t toss her out or take her to a shelter or try to contact friends or family to come help her out. If you give suggestions she won’t hear of it. She says the lady cries at a drop of the hat and other things that sound very odd. From someone looking in it might appear as the boarder might be crazy but yeah after talking with woman #3 and seeing her in action… I think she’s another PA/Narc 0_0

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Possible Sinus Infection

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Well, DH and I have been sick off and on a  month now and not feeling any better. I spoke with someone yesterday who used to work in the medical field and was told we both probably have a sinus infection. Which would explain the horrible cheek pain, headache and the intense pain of sitting at the computer more than ten minutes at a time the last two weeks. Even on the lowest bright setting it is like paper cuts to my eyes! I was advised I should try steaming my face for a few days and if that doesn’t work then get antibiotics, which is fine because it’s the holiday season and I don’t know if I can get into the GP easily right now, so I’ll happily try whatever. All yesterday the kitchen is monopolized. There is no hob free, all the counters are full of crap. Finally the ogre gets drunk and passes out so DH makes some dinner, we eat then I notice he’s gone to bed. Great, I can go steam my face. I boil the kettle, make room on the hob and pour the water in/turn it on. Two minutes pass. I’m still waiting for the pot to start boiling. Nope! Here comes the ogre! So I say F it and go back upstairs. I’ll see if I can try it  tonight after he’s gone to bed. I was just so mad last night.

DH has been going through an old diary of his moms that the ogre didn’t find yet and reading it. It doesn’t seem anything personal, but more of a – I went to the store today, I talked to this person today thing. No personal thoughts. Some more memories have come up while reading the journal, one of them being his dad cheated on his mom multiple times and her telling DH about it. When I first came here he went to find matches in his dad’s room and found a bottle of viagra. He asked me about it. It was very awkward. And no, it wasn’t for use with ogre’s wife. It would be impossible with her condition for them to do it. He told me last night his mom did not like the housecleaner. I have told DH before I suspect something between the two. When I came here I was cleaning the house and DH and I mentioned I could continue cleaning to earn my keep while I wasn’t allowed to work. Ogre would not get rid of the housekeeper. “It’s very complicated” he would say and blow us off. He would keep telling us that he needed to give her a job or else she couldn’t get pregnant via IVF. Ok. I’m sure she could get another client. He also has this pet name he calls her. Anyway a couple weeks ago we saw his overnight bag in the hallway along with a wine bag with a bottle of wine and a card for her. If it was a b-day or Christmas gift why not give it to her the next week when she came? (this was before Xmas) It’s pretty obvious he was dropping it off. At her house? That would be too unprofessional, at another of her client’s house while she’s working? Again, unprofessional. Bit odd if you ask me. I had to make another tasteless joke to DH as the woman is Polish. Does she have a visa? Maybe he’ll get in a relationship with her and see if he can try to sabotage her visa too!

Rethinking Meal plans

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The ogre offered DH some of the curry he took to someone’s house the other day. You know, the pork curry he let sit out for days? He told DH he put it in our fridge. First, the ogre’s fridge which is 2-3 times the size of ours (we have a tiny under the table dorm fridge) is completely full of food that he purchased for dinner parties, holiday crap and the like. Most of it is just rotting away in there as usual. He has no room in there, so it put the curry in ours, then asks DH if he wants it. DH says no. We have been making out quite well at the nightly discount aisle on bags of lettuce, vegetables etc. So our fridge is fairly full. Now we have his curry crap in our fridge which I think is just in there because he didn’t have space. 

Ogre has been ignoring the plumbing issues again. Last time the ceiling down below in the dining room began to leak because of it. Then the contents of the toilet backed up into the tub. DH was actually very sick during that time with um… the craps when that happened. Shit all backed up into the bathtub. The tub has not drained properly in 2-3 weeks. Finally it just stopped draining. It is now full of large black pieces of mystery stuff and chunks of green that look like shredded leaks. We are not allowed to use the tub nor the sink in the bathroom. I’ve not bathed in three days now. This is just stupid and preventable. 

Ogre is having his dinner party this afternoon, as figured he confiscated the chairs. I guess I should be lucky I have a chair at all. DH and I took some others from downstairs that no one uses. They are so ungodly uncomfortable that’s why. Sitting in it for two days the last time the chairs were taken actually gave me a large black and purple bruise on my thigh about five inches by three just from sitting on it. I swear it is without a doubt a torture device!!

There were more money issues due to DH not paying attention to his bank account. 😦

I’m trying to get our grocery bill down, right now we spend 25 pounds a week on meat and eggs and about 20 at the store for misc items. I know we could eat a lot cheaper/better if we could use the kitchen reliably, but that’s not going to happen any time soon. I’m trying to get the meal cost down to under a pound per person per meal. Right now we just eat discount aisle food or ramen for most meals. I’d like to make and freeze a few meals which I can try to thaw on the radiators upstairs. But we need to spend money on plastic boxes, so every time the ogre gets curry now we are going to take the boxes out of the trash and save/reuse them. I even wonder how this will go. The ogre loves buying expensive large cuts of meats and putting them in the deep freeze, he seems to just toss them in. The result is that other crap he’s bought like packs of sausages, pre-made hamburger patties, pies get either smashed or the plastic wrapper gets torn allowing freezer burn. I joked with DH saying I’m glad we couldn’t afford a wedding cake, because if we froze it and ate it on our anniversary it would look unrecognizable due to the ogre just tossing stuff in there on top of it. So half of me wonders if the plastic containers which aren’t that strong will be shattered. We’ll see. All I can really do is try. 

More job hunting. It’s been over a year of applying for jobs. I’ve applied to at least a couple thousand. I’ve come to the conclusion no body wants me. Maybe it’s a sign. Even the shit jobs don’t want me for cleaning toilets. My old career field won’t have me back since I’ve been out of work over a year – said a recruiter last year and seems to be the case. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get out of this hell hole. All I need is someone to take a chance on me!! I’m a good loyal employee and have always got raises or awards, I always do more than my fair share! I hate sitting here unable to do a damn thing until someone hires me. I was even desperate last year and tried catalog selling door to door which netted me in the negatives. And it’s not like once I have a job everything will be fine and dandy, it will still take months to scrimp and save to move out!! So please, someone give me a job, now would be nice!!

Well, the lunch/dinner guests have arrived. It absolutely sucks being broke as fuck, jobless and seeing people spend more money on a lunch that my husband and I do a month and a half for both of us on groceries, then knowing most of it will just be going to waste! 

Christmas

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Yesterday’s fun time: DH looks for his house keys, it’s not downstairs on the side table where they always are and they aren’t upstairs. Where could they be? Oh, the ogre hid them in his office on the shelf… why? So DH is now bringing up his keys, we don’t need the keys going missing especially on a night he has to work. I swear…

Well, it’s six pm, I think Christmas for the most part is over. The ogre and his mom went to someone’s house to celebrate. What family member’s house they went to, we have no idea. Again, we were not told nor invited. We began to think that celebrations were being had here due to the ogre having five or six pans of vegetables out on the counter ready to cook last night. But nope, at noon they finally left along with the pans of vegetables. There is a ton of food sitting around – crackers, cheese, snack type things – so who knows what tomorrow will bring. But I was able to do the laundry, hang it up in the bedroom to dry and get my festive Christmas ramen. That is a win for the day. The rest of the day I was sick and slept off and on.

I see DH and I were able to avoid getting a stocking this year. Every year the ogre puts one outside of his door for Christmas morning. Last year we got a stocking with 2 cans of beans in it. This year I was curious as the gran is here. Will he try to make himself out as generous? Nope. No card nor stocking this year, which is a relief in a lot of ways. DH was smart this year and didn’t spend money on the ogre for a gift. Last year I begged him not to, but DH spent about 30 pounds on a gift for the ogre. Mind you, days before that the ogre treated DH terrible after his mom’s dead, excluded him, cut off his pay without notice and did not invite him to Christmas…yet DH bought him a box set of Black Adder. What did he get in return? Two cans of beans. We could have used the money for food. (At that time it was eat .03p cans of mushy peas to save money. Yes, at one point Tesco did stock .03p cans of peas!! Now I think they are .11p) But, back then DH was still… I don’t know how to say it nicely…so…stupid. He was hurt by his dad but yet went and bought a present I feel to try to win back the ogres…affection? Not that the man ever showed any. 

DH’s sister got him a gift and put it under the tree. God knows what that is, but we think it’s a tin of candy. I wonder if it’s like the candy she got him last year, you know that was probably regifted? It was given to him and the chocolates expired the next month lol! They didn’t taste that great either. The daughter got one gift for DH, one for the gran and three for the ogre. Suck up. We noticed the ogre put a Christmas bag under the tree with presents inside. No names on the presents though. One was easy to open so we opened it and resealed it out of curiosity. It was a box of chocolates that he was given during his dinner party a few weeks ago. I have to wonder if the obviously wrapped bottle of wine that is also in the bag is going to be the bottle of wine he was brought during that dinner party as well. I’d have to guess he’s inviting people over for a party and making a grab bag type thing. 

 

Even though I have the strength to make light or be deadpan about the situation it is still hurtful. Who wants to pack up their life move across the ocean just to witness abuse, be treated terribly, have their new “family” do the silent treatment for now a year and four months and be treated subhuman. No one. I had a dysfunctional family and have been abused: mentally, physically and sexually for thirty years by several different people – my mom, my stepdad, my sister, my ex husband and his family, various boyfriends now this. I used to see my mom pick losers and think to myself I don’t want to be like this – but all her losers were drunken violent men. I found one violent man and the first time he tried something on me I tossed him out and never spoke to him again. Never answered the door or phone when he came around. I thought losers were really visible – I never really thought about people who inflicted covert abuse. And with being codependent it makes it so much easier to constantly pick unknowingly someone who is abusive.

 I hate the situation here but I love DH. He is quite kind, caring and someone I feel has potential … probably because he too is codependent lol I however realize that if he does not change his ways – the lying, porn addiction, needing attention to feed his damaged self esteem from other girls that we are over. I understand that living with his dad has made him this way, that he is a product of his dad, but it does not make things easy. I’m constantly stuck between wanting to go and wanting to see if therapy makes a difference. I know DH will always be damaged like I am to some extent. 

DH has been telling me some childhood stories

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Having just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship and was recovering I got involved with DH. As we were thousands of miles apart our relationship had to go a bit differently from others. We could only see each other so many times before we had to make a decision of whether or not to get married. I asked him outright if there were any psychological issues with his family. He assured me there was not. I also made it quite clear there is one thing in a relationship I will NOT tolerate – lying. Which he continues to do. His last lie was yesterday. I told him that I will start keeping track. You know the signs they have at constructions sites: X many days free of a work place injury?  Well I’m going to post one of those on the door. X many days since he’s lied. 

At the beginning of our relationship he said nothing was wrong. After a year of prodding him he’s admitted to having some unpleasant memories of his father. Now, 2.5 years in he has been telling me quite a few things this week involving his past. I hope they are not made up in attempts to garner sympathy. That will be the last straw. It’s hard to believe anything from him, he’s such a liar. If they are true then he had a really emotionally abusive childhood that he has been repressing for awhile. I won’t go into great detail what he told me, but he tells me these stories but then can’t remember what made him feel this way or do certain things. As an outsider listening its like he was conditioned as a child to act a certain way and it’s caused all sorts of havoc in his adult life. I will list two examples: Ogre only listened to classical music and that’s what DH thought he should ONLY listen to. He would hear songs on the radio or at school that he found likeable but as soon as he would hear the song or could hear the song lyrics in his head he would panic. He would try humming the classical song trying to get the pop song out of his head or else he felt bad. He thought liking these songs were wrong. Btw, the family here is not overtly religious, so that’s not it. Another one – he used to leave his window open at night and it would frighten him a bit, but he did it so monsters could take him away from this place. There are many other stories being told to me this week…and I’m really kind of shocked DH can’t figure out that something was wrong with his childhood. Granted he didn’t have to know what kind of loony his dad was, but there should be a feeling at least of – this does not feel right, maybe this is not right. 

I don’t know… I had a talk with him about his facebook. He plays three different games at once and watches movies. This is his enjoyment time: Go to one webpage, click a billion times on the click game, go to next window a second later do the same thing, click to movie page, watch 5 seconds of it, go to other game do something for 5 seconds, rinse repeat. It’s like repetitive clicking is comforting or addicting. The act of it seems more of an addiction than actually enjoyment. I asked him why not concentrate on two things at once and spend time in your game instead of just seconds here and there for hours? I also asked him if he would put facebook on hold for the next week and try reading some of the stories on the Out of the Fog forums about covert abuse.  So, we’ll see. 

I wonder sometimes if there will ever be hope for DH to change. He’s told me stories before and when I’ve mentioned I thought it was messed up he’d fail to see what was wrong or downplay it. I hope he doesn’t downplay in his head these childhood stories he is telling me. Let me give you an example of a story he downplayed. He found a toad when he was younger and played around with it, he then left it with his sister (who is a carbon copy of the ogre) while he went into the house I think to get someone to come see the toad. He comes back and the toad is dead. In that short time his sister took something and smashed it to death. He does not see the disturbing part in this. The fact that within a short period of time his sister killed it. The fact that she had to have struck it multiple times to have killed it then showed no remorse supposedly.

Anyway… I have more jobs to apply to… there are actually a few IN town! 

Grandma is staying for awhile

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Seems DH’s gran is staying for two weeks. Oh joy. You might be wondering if the ogre told us? Ha-ha. Of course not. He left his day planner out so we had a look at that. 

Yesterday morning was fun. I went to use the toilet and the seat was down – which the ogre likes to do from time to time especially if the doesn’t flush his nasty diarrhea. (Granted a lot of times he just leaves it open with that there…) The gran’s been here four days so far and I’ve not really noticed her putting down the seat. So I suspect it is him. Well, on the toilet seat someone has smeared brown stuff (I can pretty much guess what it is…) right in the middle of the lid on the front and back where one would normally put their hand to lift it. I ignored it and lifted from another side and used it. The thing about it was that it looks like there was fingernail drag marks through it. EWW! 

Some might wonder, why not clean it up? I’m done with that. I have to clean up the shit in the bathtub every day to use it. I’m tired of cleaning and flushing shit on/in the toilet. The ogre is doing it on purpose for shock value and to punish us. Every time we clean it up or flush it he gets his jollies knowing that we’ve seen it and had to deal with it. I’m not giving him satisfaction anymore. So the toilet seat magically found itself down again last night. I guess he thought someone would go in there in the middle of the night too tired to notice the shit and touch it. What a child.

Also, as the bathroom borders our bedroom wall and you can hear everything through the wall I’ve noticed another thing. DH’s gran doesn’t wash her hands either. EWWW. When I mention the door slamming and the not washing hands of his Gran DH has nothing to say. I mention these things because I’ve asked him before if he thinks his Gran shares traits that the ogre has or has possibly caused him to be like that. 

Speaking of Gran, she gave DH a gift last night. He handed it to me, I looked at it. There was random old tape on the paper, a hole in the paper and where it had been taped (newly) just an inch on both sides by the new tape you could tell it was taped there previously and tore off. I mentioned this. I think he got a regifted gift. “Oh, maybe she reused the paper.”  Hey…maybe who knows. 

 

 

He may be gone… only time will tell

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Well the ogre left at about 10:30 this morning. Is he gone for good? Who knows… Regardless I went downstairs to start washing some blankets anyway. I really hope I can make a nice dinner for DH and I tonight. Granted it’s not some romantic candlelit dinner, but it will still be nice. DH will be coming home late, eating and going immediately to bed. This is what we have at the moment, and I’ll take it happily!

I was suppose to go out early this morning and go to the post office and look to see if I could find any gift for DH at the charity shop, but wasn’t able to. Idiot didn’t leave until 10:30 and by then I couldn’t get a hold of DH and wasn’t sure what time he’d be back for lunch, so I haven’t gone out yet. (We’ve one set of keys right now due to either the key people having their machine broken constantly or other key places not cutting this type of house key. Which, I admit boggles me a bit. It’s a damn housekey…) So, that got screwed up slightly. I may need to go after DH comes for lunch or tomorrow very early so I can get back before the ogre returns.

We’ve not heard anything yet from DH’s friend about staying over there. DH says he’s been acting weird and distant lately so who knows.

The ogre went out shopping yesterday. You can tell we are having guests – he bought soap and shampoo. I saw the bag on the stair landing last night with bottles of herbal essence spilling out. Today I had an odd thought – I had been in the bathroom since last night and didn’t recall seeing any of that. I go in and look. It’s not there, nor down in the cupboards. The ogre must actually be hiding the soap and shampoo from us? What a weirdo. We never use his stuff anyway… not like there is anything to use even if we wanted to!

I see DH’s aunts and uncles sent the ogre a Christmas card. I guess they forgot DH’s again. Funny that.

I was talking to DH last night. He says he doesn’t remember last Christmas. And how could he? He found his mom dead, got his pay cut off immediately after, jobless, the funeral and his family being assholes to him, had surgery the day after her funeral etc. It was a fairly traumatic time.

This was the rest of our December last year. Funeral, next day was the surgery – assisting DH dressing, bathing, making meals (which was all fun with the ogre being around.) for the next two weeks. Christmas eve came around, no one invited us or told us where the Christmas celebrations were at. Didn’t matter, DH could hardly walk. On Christmas eve DH was adamant about driving to the store and waiting in the car while I bought some things so we could have a decent meal. The store was barren and had a billion people in there. I came out barehanded. We went home and I made egg salad sandwiches for dinner. The next day, Christmas, the family didn’t say anything. No asking how Jon was doing, no left over sent for him. No Christmas cards. Boxing day, New Years, nothing. At the end of the year I had my national insurance number appointment and DH was adamant about coming with me, despite the fact he could barely walk so I didn’t have to make the trip by myself. Then we found out he couldn’t come in with me and had to stand out in the cold for an hour and a half. 😦 That was our holiday season last year.