It had to return didn’t it?


Well the sound of the ogre’s “office” door slamming twelve times in the last four minutes tells me that he is back home. Yay. Color me thrilled. I am trying to be more positive about things, I really am, but everyday is a struggle.

I feel like everything in life is so dependent on money and I hate this.  I really hate that if DH and I don’t earn a certain amount or have a certain amount in savings I can’t be with him.  Sometimes I feel jealous when I hear about other expats here that have husbands that have a stable well paying job and there is no stress on them to meeting visa financial requirements.

I hate that DH could be in a stable job with his own place had it not been for the last 10 years caring for his mother.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great thing to do, but it should have been only helping a few hours a week, not 80+ hours for ten years! I could see needing the extra help if the ogre was working (but he’s retired) and couldn’t afford to pay for a carer if he couldn’t care for her himself. (He could have taken care of her and has plenty of money to hire a carer) Instead he used his son. Free labor while you can fuck off all day? WHY NOT? The old man has lived his life I hate that he put DH’s on hold for his own selfishness.

Due to this it’s like DH and I are 17 again and on our own again for the fist time.  Except we have nothing. It’s like we had a house fire and the only things we were able to save were some clothes. We have no furniture, we’ll have no bed when we finally do move out, pots, pans, plates? Nope.  At least at 17 I moved out, had furniture, housing items and a job.  I wasn’t strapped with $70k worth of student loans building almost $7k interest yearly.

All this above is something we can overcome – if I can get a job!!

It’s almost been a year of me job hunting and no one will hire me and DH works for a place that exploits him and makes him work horribly long hours for less than minimum wage. I am happy we can eat and pay for bills like car insurance and DH’s phone but that’s all we can afford. We can’t move out, save to pay for the upcoming visa or have savings to show that I can stay with DH.  All these things not happening cause other issues as well. One of them I hate thinking about but seem to be having constant nightmares about – my cat back home.  I was sure I would have had a job by this autumn and in a place of our own so my ex could ship my cat overseas. Nope! It’s expensive to bring your pet here, around 1500 – 2000 pounds.  Now in a month or so I don’t know what will happen, will she be put to sleep or taken to a shelter where she may not be adopted due to her age.  Best case scenario is that my ex can keep her for longer, but I am doubting this as he too is passive aggressive.  Yes, it seems I attract PA people.  It took eleven years of being with him and three years away from him to figure out just what he was and why he did the things he did.

I feel like I will never escape this place of horror. I think, make the best of it, but how exactly do you do that without going nuts.  Sure I could go downstairs and continue on with my life when the ogre is there right? But he won’t leave you alone.  He won’t let you get on with your business, he will follow you around and linger or knock you out of the way if he needs to get by. He cannot stop trying to draw attention to himself or by constantly letting you know that he despises you. I’m so tired of getting death glares from him.  I just want to laugh at his attempts to be a passive aggressive asshole, but I’m not that stupid. The man can explode quite easily and become violent. That’s another reason why I don’t want to be anywhere around him when DH is not home. If he hits me I can’t report it because then we would be kicked out and have no place to stay due to finances at this time. You can’t exactly be homeless on a visa or it causes problems, well at least if you are non EU.

So I do what I can, I come out of the room about an hour a day usually early in the morning to make DH’s lunch and breakfast for work. The rest of the time I am in this room.  A lot of times I am hungry. The longest I’ve gone without food due to the ogre has been 37 hours a couple months ago.  Well, going hungry isn’t great and doesn’t help me be very energetic about finding a job.  A lot of times I try to sleep off the hunger or anxiety I feel from being here. So, I have opted to buy one of those big cans of protein powders and just have those for meals when I cannot get to the kitchen.  You only need water to make it, which most of the time I have upstairs. I don’t think its a great substitution for a meal but it is better than nothing and is less than a pound “a meal”.  So we will be ordering that this week. It’s a bit of an investment, but hopefully it will help some. I was lucky enough to find one that does not have any of the multiple things I am allergic too, and ships in 3-5 days from Germany.

I wanted to share some pics of my lovely cat that someday I really hope I can see again, her name is Wellsie.


well well2