DH doesn’t want me to join him in counselling

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DH has been going to conselling for a few weeks. As I’ve said before he’s not even spoken to the counseller yet about the issues he is going for because she did an intake and he told her about the issues here with the ogre. So basically as far as working on the real issues why he’s there is halted, there is too much shit to talk about concerning the ogre that they must go through that. As always I feel like our live/relationship is in limbo. He told me last time he went about 2 weeks ago that the counseller asked if I would like to come along. I guess she asked DH who I have to talk to about the ogre traumas and he said nobody. So she suggested that I could come along and possibly get a referral down the road that way.  So for two weeks I thought I was going to the next appointment. I ask DH if I am going along and nothing… dead air, then the topic is changed. The same thing he does when he doesn’t want to give an answer that is basically”no”.  I sat around a bit irritated then finally asked him if he wanted me to go or not? I know the counseller asked him if I wanted to come and he relayed the message and I said I would come, but I guess I never asked him if he’d like me to. He told me that the thought of having me come gives him a lot of anxiety but he doesn’t know why. So this is the part where I list a few things seeing if that could be the reason why, he says no then assures me he doesn’t know what the reason is then I drop it. Then in a couple days we’ll have the convo again probably where he lets me know he really did know the answer but didn’t want to tell me. It’s like we have this little routine we do. Usually it’s him making up a convoluted story, then he comes and tells me he lied to me.

Which, sadly is an improvement from earlier in our relationship where he would make up such retarded lies then never tell me the truth, I would have to find out. I remember one time he lied to me and told me he had to take his parents to the golf club then got so sick on the way home he had to pull over and throw up and then spend the rest of the day in bed. Mind you I was 5,000 miles away at this point.  That was his reasoning why I couldn’t get a hold of him on skype. Nope. Really about 2 hours after we patched up an arguement (about some rotten shit he did earlier, I gave in and forgave him. He said I had to forgive him now or else that was it, he was going to put me out of his mind and move on. I couldn’t have a day to be mad about it.) he had some lady friend over while his parents were gone who he has said he’d like to have sex with, then proceeded to ignore me on skype for the next 12 hours. Did they have sex or mess around? who knows. All I know is I can’t be around that lady period.  The thought of it sends me through the roof. I honestly just want him to end the friendship with her, it makes me that sick. But then again, I’d be the old nagger.

Sometimes I just want to be alone. I’m so tired of the bullshit. I pray I can find a job soon. If anything to get out of the house. I’ve hit rock bottom here with the ogre abuse and I feel like I’m getting strength back in my legs to do what I need to do, if even a little at a time.

Anyway, so I have no idea why he doesn’t want me at counselling. I have lots of ideas running through my head. Part of me feels really hurt, but there I am again thinking this is probably my fault when really it’s probably his. Maybe he’s putting on a story for the counseller and I might come in and expose him, who knows. which a compulsive liar it is hard to know.

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