Saturday BBQ

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So from the title you might think DH and I attended a BBQ on Saturday? Nope. However, the ogre did. Early one morning earlier in the week a note slips through the mail slot. It is addressed to the ogre. DH’s aunt is fond of dropping off notes through the slot at six in the morning. I don’t know why. So DH opened it and we read it. 

The note was inviting the ogre to a family BBQ that Saturday. It was only addressed to the ogre and did not say anything about inviting DH or I. And all Saturday the ogre said nothing then finally left for the BBQ.  This must be really awkward for DH. I would say ever since we got married or perhaps before that he has been excluded and not treated very nicely by his immediate and extended family. Heck, I’m not treated nice by them. 

My first Christmas here everyone was nice to me and even bought me gifts. Months down the road when DH and I got married no cards, no congrats, no gifts, nothing. No sort of acknowledgment that we got married. If I’m in a room with them or they walk into a room with me in it I say “Hi” they don’t respond or they say “hello” to everyone but me. No one really talks to me, except one of the grandpas but he just talks at me. I don’t think he’s in the loop that he’s suppose to be ignoring me. 

This of course irritates the shit out of DH. And how couldn’t it, his entire family is being rude shits for no reason. I’ve actually never done anything to these people as we rarely see them to do anything! We just figure that the ogre has made up shit about us and turned the family against us. 

I know DH wouldn’t have gone, as he had to work later that afternoon anyway and if he was free he probably wouldn’t have gone, but it’s still awkward for him I’m sure. That’s one thing some people don’t realize. Passive aggressive people have a way of keeping people away from you. PA people want to make you feel excluded and unloved and they will bring family in on it as well.  The family members will only hear one side of the story and form their own opinion. Depending on who they are they will just stay away from you and you will never know why they are avoiding you or angry with you. I notice in the US people are more likely to voice what is pissing them off. Here it seems people keep anger bundled up and find it too impolite to tell you that they are pissed at you.

And really, why would ogre want the family talking to us? Being that we are not good terms with the ogre and that his wife is gone, we might actually tell the family that he was abusive and neglectful to her.  Can’t have that!! 

PA people don’t always go behind your back to keep people away, they can also be subtle. My ex was subtle to an extent. Back when I had friends when we first met every time I would plan to have them come over or go out somewhere with them my ex would start some argument that would take hours to resolve and I would have to cancel plans or all of a sudden he would feel ill. This happened every time. My friends eventually started thinking I was making this shit up and that I didn’t want to hang out. Eventually I just stopped talking to them. It’s easy when your in a PA relationship to stop talking to friends. My ex even told me he didn’t like some of my friends so I ended the friendship all the while smiling and shaking my head yes. It seems crazy that you could get sucked into doing this, but you can.  Eventually over the course of 11 years I barely talked to anyone as later it became known that it really pissed him off and started fights if I talked to anyone period. If I talked to someone I must be cheating. So I would talk to people online sometimes and even then he would install things to get my passwords or log my convos or even see what webpages I was browsing real time.  Even when I went to work I was always the quiet one that was friendly to a point. Why start friendships when I couldn’t keep them?

I will say though in those ten years except for when I was at work for 2.5 of those years (There were always fights if I tried to find a job – best to keep my totally dependent) I only said maybe ten words a day. I turned from someone with a high vocabulary to someone who barely can form a sentence. It got better when I was working again, but over the last two years it is getting bad again. 

Anyway, didn’t mean to ramble on about my PA ex, just wanted to give an example that PA people can cause rifts or try to keep you feeling secluded in many different ways.

I guess this situation really aggravates me because I’ve done my 11 years with a PA man and now I’ve moved on to a nice loving man that treats me nicely but his FIL is PA who has put his son in a position to where he has control over him and is ruining our marriage. It’s like I just left this kind of shit… but it’s harder because it’s not my spouse doing this! I know that if things do not change in the next year or sooner I will have to leave my husband because I can’t handle this lifestyle or his father anymore.