How were things before?


You might have read one of my previous entries on how my FIL blew up on me and DH one day last year and stopped talking and interacting with me. He had a bit of a tantrum because his son sat down to talk to him about having his own life. His son, my DH had put his life on hold for 10 years to watch his mother without any sort of financial support 80+ hours a week. Every single day. The man rarely left the house. He asked the ogre perhaps could he only work 30 hours a week and spend some time with his wife? Oh Hell NO! The ogre could not handle that idea! That would mean… he might have to watch his own wife for some of those hours??!! Well, apparently as DH just put up with it for so many years I must have been the one who made him sit down with his dad and discuss this new radical idea! Man, I am a truly terrible person. I think I did pretty good for being patient. I mean dating my DH consisted of never actually going on a date but sitting at his dining room table playing games while five feet away from his mother so she could be watched. On our wedding day? We still watched mum. Could we have a honeymoon? Nah, still had to watch mum, FIL would absolutely not do it. Like DH said, he was fine watching her all those years for all those hours because he did not have anyone special in his life, now that he does he actually wants to spend time with them… aka me!

So you might ask, how was life here before the big blow up? It is pretty much the same now except two differences – one my MIL has passed away so I don’t have to see the ogre abuse and neglect her on a daily basis and he no longer talks to me. 

Before the ogre stopped talking to me I couldn’t stand being around him. I told DH months later that I found his dad really odd even in the beginning and that was due in part to his passive aggressiveness.  How do you tell your fiancé that you think his dad is creepy and weird? That you don’t even like being in the same room with him? That something is just “off” with the man? You don’t, so I didn’t for a very long time. I actually ended up taking Valerian root drops which is pretty much like valium to cope with the man. 

Much like now, the man needed constant attention. As DH had to watch his mother and I actually wanted to spend time with him I moved my computer to the downstairs dining room table so we could interact during the day. The ogre would come through the dining room (to wander around aimlessly like he does) a good thirty times a day. No joke. No exaggeration. Each and every time the man would come through the door he would just stand there. He would not move until you acknowledged his presence. If you did not see him (how could you not) he would cough and stand there until you said hi. And when you would say Hi he would repeat the Hi and in a snotty type voice that was almost mocking. At first I felt odd when he did it, he couldn’t be mocking me could he? Why would he. Oh wait, he’s PA. Of course he is. So I would still say Hi but inwardly I would cringe every time he would make fun of me. I played the game of “Hello” thirty times a day for about four months then I just got tired of it. It got to where I would say Hi once or twice a day and then put my headphones on and pretend I didn’t see or hear him. And this was not easy because he would not let you ignore him. 

Having to say hi multiple times a day wasn’t the only headache. As soon as the man would hear you coming down the stairs he would immediately open his “office” door located at the bottom of the stairs and want to interact with you. It was creepy. This happened almost every time he was in his office. If he caught you then he would engage you in a conversation that involved talking about how he made good money at a company he started and ran, his gardening, all the places he’s been etc. He would literally hold you hostage for 45 minutes. And don’t you even think about trying to change the subject! He will talk right over you and turn it back around to being all about him. So it was the same conversation all the time. The man did not want to talk about news, or politics or fucks sake anything else.  I could see now why DH never really had a relationship with him. How could you, the man is all about himself!

So I would get ambushed coming downstairs and then going into the kitchen. Even trying to avoid him in certain parts of the house began long before his blow out with me. Like I told DH, I just want to make a sandwich, leave and eat it. I don’t want to get mixed up in a 45 minute discussion about him every time I want to eat. Oh and he would always linger in the kitchen. If you had been making sandwiches your entire life you were probably doing it wrong. He would tell you how to do everything. EVERYTHING. Oh and let’s see he would have to open the oven, take off the lid of every pot you were using to cook with just to peer in. Sounds petty, but when the man irritates you so much even things like this have a habit of getting on your nerves. 

Let’s see… the man is always drunk. So I would be subjected to him being “drunk close” to me. Meaning that he likes to be extra friendly when drunk and the concept of personal space becomes null and void.  I don’t like people being so close to me that they are constantly brushing up against me. Let alone people who I find creepy. When he would talk to you his face would be literally three inches away from mine. 

His generally creepiness has caused me to dress differently. I used to like wearing sun dresses and skirts. I haven’t wore any for two years now. I’ve caught him before standing behind me looking down at my boobs and that’s when he’s not just staring at them anyway. It made me feel really uncomfortable. 

I’m sure there are more changes  since the incident last year, but I must mention one last one. This one involves DH much more than I. DH since he was stuck at home all the time would run a roleplaying game twice a month at the house. His friends would come over in the evening and play for a few hours. Now I could see the ogre trying to be friendly but it went beyond being courteous to the guests. He would always come out and offer the friends wine. These people really aren’t wine people… they are gamer geeks. But sometimes they would be polite and have some. Then the ogre would try to engage them in a half hour conversation of where do they think the wine is from? Every single time they came over these poor people had to hear about the man’s wine. He would also linger in the dining room where they would be playing and interrupt the game to make useless conversation with them. At first before I figured out that the ogre was PA I thought, well maybe he is lonely. No. He needs attention. He knows that his son rarely has friends over or does anything besides watch his mum, but by god he will monopolize DH’s friend’s attentions as long as he can. And being the polite people they are, they can’t ignore the ogre. Another annoying thing is the people would bring snacks and such to eat during the game and the ogre would always and without asking help himself to stuff.  He would stick his hand that he never washes (even after the toilet) into their bag of crisps/chips and shovel them in his mouth. DH doesn’t have games here any more and it has since come to light from these friends how annoying they truly thought the ogre was…

Overall I’m glad that the man doesn’t try to talk to me anymore. It’s one less stress that I have to deal with. I literally existed for him to try to impress or talk at about himself. He still is attention seeking although through negative means. He still punishes DH and I in passive aggressive ways. I am still avoiding him before and after… and even before he really didn’t like me. I think he may have actually felt threatened by me in the fact that his son would someday have to leave and go on with his life leaving the old man to watch his wife by himself. (which he got out of easily because she passed away) The only real change is the dislike the man had for me is out in the open and he is covertly hostile which stresses me out. You know, when I think of it this way, it really isn’t that bad compared to before!!