We will never be able to cook alone

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DH and I went to the charity shops a couple days ago and DH purchased a book by the Dalai Lama about how to have more happiness in your life.  So, I started reading the book. The content was decent, but I don’t think the Dalai ever had to live with a nutcase FIL. Most of the things he says cannot be applied if you live under someone who actively wants to be a daily thorn in your side.

DH and I sat down and had a discussion about the ogre a few days ago. You see after 2.5 weeks the kitchen cupboards are still not all on. Cooking in the kitchen has to wait until night time when the fix it man has left and even then most of the time DH and I don’t want to cook because of the ogre. DH tries to avoid cooking in the kitchen if the ogre is home because he does not want to interact with the man whatsoever. DH told me it is better when I am in the kitchen because the ogre will just linger but won’t start a conversation with DH.

Not that the conversations with DH are truly conversations.  You must have two people talking and listening to have a conversation. All FIL does is tell you something “wonderful” about himself. He does not really care to talk to you, he just wants someone – ANYONE to tell something about himself to.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve heard it 100 times. The topics are generally how he used to own his own business and made tons of money or about how he traveled here or there and about this nickname workmates gave him. If you were to try to make conversation about anything different he will interrupt you within a minute and turn the story around to tell you about himself.  You could be talking about diaper rash and the man will turn it around to talk about how successful he was in life then carry on talking over you for a good 45 minutes. (I will expand on this topic in a future post)

If I am present in the kitchen then the ogre will just make a show of saying hello to DH and completely ignoring my existence. Here’s the thing though… even though pretty much all three of us don’t get along ogre will not just stay out of our way.  This is what DH and I talked about – the fact that the man needs attention. He cannot just let us get on and use the kitchen for 30 minutes or so to make our dinner in peace. Not once. He needs to stroll in and be present.  He needs to let it be known that he is still ignoring me. He will come into the kitchen and linger for several minutes or keep coming in and out for no apparent reason.  He will pick up a spoon on the counter and look at it for several minutes then lay it back down or put it away and then leave for a minute then come back again to do more useless stuff.  I feel some of it is that he knows DH and I don’t have much time together so he monopolizes some of our time as when he his lingering about we generally stop whatever conversation we are having and just cook silently. Also I feel like he is trying to eavesdrop. (Which I have caught him in the past doing) Add in twenty or so loud door slams a few seconds apart and that is generally our evening trying to cook.

DH and I try to think of ways to cook and avoid him while doing so, but we’ve come to the conclusion it is impossible. The man needs attention and he needs to let us know that he does not like us – no matter this is generally reinforced all day every day in various ways…

 

Did the housekeeper run for the hills?

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Yesterday was slightly irritating.  FIL didn’t even up leaving the house until almost 4pm.  Most likely he left to eat out.  Which meant I was very hungry yesterday. DH got home from work and the dentist and he made some pork belly and I made some eggs.  I was still a bit hungry, but my other food was still frozen and unbagged so I let it sit out for a few hours to thaw.  (Ended up by the time it thawed FIL came back and DH and I just wanted to be upstairs, so no dinner)

While we were in the kitchen cooking I noticed that there were a bunch of papers in the stack of papers to be taken out to put in the recycle bin.  So I look through them, as I do because I always go through the trash here because I never know what I may find of mine.  So I found two things of interest.  One is a piece of mail for me that FIL has taken upon himself to open, read and throw away.  That’s right, I don’t get the chance to see my mail and decide if I want to read and keep it.  There was also one of DH’s magazines in the trash, but he never reads it anyway, so that wasn’t a big deal.  (FIL usually shreds most of the mail, so I’m sure there is mail of mine that has been shredded without even knowing about it) The second thing in the pile was an envelope with the housekeepers name on it.  He always puts her pay in an envelope and gives it to her like that.  But this Weds she never came and I found it odd that he apparently opened and removed the money.

I wonder if the housekeeper quit? Last time she was here FIL was saying something to her, I don’t know what as a door was in the way, but he was using the tone of voice he uses when he used to talk to MIL.  You know, the you’re a piece of stupid garbage voice.  I couldn’t believe it when I heard it, as “outsiders” don’t get the pleasure of hearing that voice. So maybe she went quit.  Or maybe FIL fired her because now she’s seen his asshole side.  I really hope for that lady she doesn’t come back. 😦

You might think, why do you have a housekeeper with so many able bodied people living there? Answer: I don’t know! The housekeeper was there years before I moved in apparently.  FIL told me one day, back when he was talking to me that he hired her because his son was such a slob and he was tired of picking up after him.  And DH is kind of messy, but it does not warrant a housekeeper.  FIL is messy as well.  I’d say DH is cluttery and FIL is disgustingly filthy.  Like drop  orange curry and wine all over the couch and floor and not clean it up filthy. (Or drop shredded onions between couch cushions and let two rooms of the house stink up until I find there is food under the cushions and remove it!) When I first came to live here I asked FIL if I could take over cleaning as a way to help out around the house.  I would clean anyway, but this would make it official.  Well, he kept avoiding the subject, saying that we’d talk about it, but there were stipulations etc.  Stipulations?? I even had DH asked him about it and FIL said he could not get rid of the housekeeper because… listen to this… he had to give her employment because the lady needed in-vitro fertilization procedures!  Really it’s about control.  No one is going to tell him he doesn’t need a housekeeper, besides having one makes him feel all snooty and grand I’m sure.  Second, it’s someone that works for him, he gets to call the shots, he is in control.

P.S. Know my earlier rant about the tupperware container?  It’s been a few days and I wanted to make sure before I posted anything else.  DH and I made sure we got the container upstairs but now the lid is gone.  DH checked all the bins…. nothing. I give up.  Have it. Take a shit all over it dude… whatever you want. You win.

Thinking about MIL

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Well, I am writing another entry today.  Today is DH and I’s anniversary.  We thought about just making a cheap home made dinner (well, we always make home made anyway – but this would be more romantic) to celebrate, then thought better of it.  Who can relax and enjoy dinner when there is an ogre stomping around slamming doors, grumbling and nosing into your business? Answer: You can’t! So we aren’t.

I am thinking about this time last year (as I’ve posted about this earlier:  https://shitmyfildoes.wordpress.com/2013/06/09/anniversary/ ) which makes me think about my late MIL.

I’ve not posted much about her on here yet because I really don’t know how to explain the whole ordeal without making the post a novel. There are so many small parts to it that lead to bigger parts.

All I know is FIL was so mean to MIL.  MIL had a somewhat rare brain disorder (I’m going to keep the disorder private so I have more anonymity) that affected her speech, her balance, her eyesight, her peeing/pooping and her judgement.  Some would say she was a prisoner in her own body.  Maybe, but she was really a prisoner of her husband.

I thankfully have survived 11 years with a passive aggressive man and I now realise just what he was.  It took me two years after leaving him to figure it out!  The emotional abuse was so covert that you really don’t realise just what is happening while it is happening! So I have the ability to see what this man is, I don’t think my MIL really knew.  Or if she did, she was not in a position to leave (financially) or her illness made it impossible.  (Her illness began in her late 40’s) So watching my MIL go through some similar things and not being able to help was just… god awful.

Being around my FIL when he interacted with MIL was unbearable.  He was always so nasty to her, belittling, etc.  He knew it took her longer to get ready to go anywhere, but he would refuse to help her get dressed or get ready.  Instead he would stay in his “office” and five minutes before they were suppose to go out he would come out to get her and then make a ruckus because she wasn’t ready.  He always talked to her like she was complete garbage.  If he helped her get to the toilet (rarely) he would hold on to her improperly by walking behind her with his hands on her shoulders then pull faces and make fun of her (he would also make fun of her now altered voice and laughter) while letting go of her shoulders just for show.  She would start to fall and he would flail to catch her.  Sometimes he didn’t catch her.

The rare times he watched her (which was only for a couple hours a week for 3 months of the ten years she suffered) he would punish her.  He would make her sit in her poopy underware.  He would have time to give himself a bath but when it came for her to have a bath (she could bathe herself, she just needed help into the tub) they simply didn’t have time. FIL took bathes, she used the detachable shower head. The shower head has been broken at least 2.5 years.  He has not and will not fix it, because it doesn’t affect him.  However if he had fixed it her 30 minute showers would have turned into 10 minute ones!!  If she needed her medication, he’d forget to give it to her.  No matter that she had a pill box and her son would beg FIL to please give her the pills.  FIL had time to eat, but he would often forget to feed MIL those days.  He would also persuade her that she needed to lose weight, that 120ish was just to heavy…  I don’t know if he ever hit her, but she always had bruises on her because he wouldn’t watch her and she would have falls.  When she died she had bruises all over her face.  We don’t know why.  I know the rest of the family had to have seen them when they came to view the body, but no one ever said a damn thing.

I think about her a lot.  She was a very kind person. Unfortunately I didn’t know her very long before she passed away and sadly 4 months before she died I rarely saw her.  FIL had blown up on me and I was so depressed and frightened that I retreated upstairs and rarely came down again.  But I hear she asked about me quite a lot.  I wonder if she knew.  I feel so bad about it all.  But what could I have done?  I don’t know.  Go to friends of hers? I don’t think they would believe it! DH and I were not in a position to move out with her and she did not want to go in a home. (That might have actually been better for her) I wish I would have fought more for her. Instead DH and I tried to take her out as much as we could (we really didn’t have money) to help her on assisted walks, to feed squirrels etc.  I guess at least she had some good times. 😦