I forgot about the stares

I can’t believe I didn’t mention this in my previous posts already. I was reminded of this last night during counselling. The day after the ogre came back from holiday I told myself I would be brave and go downstairs and watch tv in the sun lounge. When he was gone I got into a routine of coming home from work in the morning and making breakfast and watching an hour of tv before going on with my day. It was really difficult to go watch tv. I do not like being here with him alone, let alone out of my room. It took a lot of courage and I did not enjoy one minute of watch that hour of tv. In that hour I got stared at while the ogre was in the back garden – staring in at me as I made my bowl of cereal. After watching tv for 20 minutes the ogre could not help himself but come into the sun lounge (which is a 7x 6 room, so he was standing fairly close to me) and throw a plastic bin into the room, huff, sigh and leave. Then he proceeded to get his bowl of cereal and stand outside the sun lounge close up to the window and eat his cereal and he stared in and watched my watching tv until he finished his breakfast. Both times I had to pretend I didn’t notice him. Who stands outside and stares into a window eating their breakfast while staring at you? One could say, oh maybe he was interested in what you were watching? I highly doubt he cares about wife swap.

It’s stuff like that that makes me feel afraid of him. I am constantly being watched when I am out of the room and from previous blog entries I have stated even if I am holed up in the room I cannot have the curtain open because he will stand in the back yard and stare up at my window watching me. To me, he is a scary predator. 

The sink is still full of his curry dishes as expected. We couldn’t get in to the sink to wash dishes or cook here yesterday. He is home this morning and so far, no breakfast for me. Forget bravery, after his hijinx the last few days I’m not risking it. Hopefully he will go out soon. 

As I was mopping the floor at my morning job I was thinking – how the hell did this all happen? Will I be stuck in abusive relationships my whole life? Granted when my DH and I got married I wasn’t imagining an extravagant lifestyle – just us loving each other, sharing our experiences and life together. I guess I got that… but it wasn’t what I was hoping for. I never imagined I would be subjected to this. Our counsellor tried to ask if maybe DH’s dad acts like way because he has diabetes and diabetes can make people a bit off apparently. I despair with this counsellor some days. I feel like I have to constantly explain why DH’s dad acts the way he does and about NPD people. The only thing good coming out of this counselling is working on DH and I’s communication skills. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain the logic/reasons behind why the ogre acts the way he does. Granted the counsellor isn’t focused on personality disorders but surely she’s learned something about them in school. At this time we cannot change our counsellor because the only way we can see someone since we’ve run out of sessions now is through our last extension that can only be done with this counsellor. 

Sometimes I wonder if this was ever meant to be. There are so many roadblocks thrown at us constantly. We scrimp/save/don’t eat and save money. Then some catastrophe happens and we have to spend the savings on living, new car etc. We can never get ahead. DH’s job goes to shit and now it’s a part time job and no one is hiring him. I can’t find a full time job. I’m working piddly hours walking 7+ miles a day which doesn’t work well with me because of my hip and back problems. I was born with dislocated hips and spent time in a waist cast. I’ve had hip problems and back problems all my life. I need constant adjustments which I cannot afford and are not covered here. Walking any sort of length of time causes all sorts of issues for me. It can’t be helped, but feels like a roadblock. I have so many health issues that cause more health issues… I feel like I have enough of my plate and I have set backs that make doing things difficult, why can’t I get a break? Why can’t my husband and I both make a living wage so we can move out? I’m not asking for a mansion, just a tiny place. It could be a studio. I’m tired anymore. I feel like a shell of myself and soulless. Why can’t I just even go to my hour morning job and do it without worry that I will be found out or harassed by the ogre? Why can’t I just eat breakfast and watch tv without being antagonized? I am so tired. So very tired.

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