Holiday House guest and where do we go for Christmas?

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Ogre also told us because he likes telling us either nothing or stuff last minute that the guest room was going to be used soon. You know, in the next two days… Apparently asshole is leaving to get his mother and bringing her back for Christmas. At least we were told the night before he was suppose to leave and get her, instead of you know, the time we randomly come home one day and are told that in 4 hours DH’s aunt is arriving from another country to come stay. As Ogre is suppose to be back the 20th, that means the old lady will be here a minimum of five days plus whatever else time she stays after Christmas.

This is a dilemma for so many reasons. First, as far as DH and I are aware Ogre didn’t tell his own mother that he’s an asshole and making our lives hell, that his own son and his wife hide away from his covert psychological abuse and games. I highly doubt it. If anything, I’m sure she’ll strangely adapt to the attitude that the rest of DH’s family has about us. They don’t like us, but they won’t tell us why. And honestly I don’t care that they don’t like us. If DH was not comfortable going to ANY of his family members years ago to get help about his dad abusing his mom, then no big loss. We can only imagine the Ogre has gossiped some untruths about us.

I wonder, did the ogre tell his mom that DH and I are anti-social weirdos that stay in our room for no reason? Then when she comes she’ll see that we do infact hide away, but never know the real reason = Ogre’s made up reason confirmed. The grandma of course is going to want to see DH, but DH is not going to want to go downstairs and hang out with her with the ogre lingering about. I guess he could take ol’ Gran out to dinner to spend time but we don’t money for taking her anywhere. I’m not going to pretend everything is fine for a week or more. Nor can I tell the lady the real reason because then it will get back to the ogre and we will definitely find our asses out on the street. I get tired of these situations.

So DH is going to ask one of his friends that we flat sit for once in awhile if we can come over there. That of course will not be without problems. I’ve written about this friend before. I don’t want to go back over there. There’s this air of fakeness between him and I. I don’t think he likes me, and I don’t like him. I don’t think he likes me because he had and I think still does have a crush on my DH. Yes, the man is gay. He asked DH out and DH said no. The guy has a catty attitude with me at times and I feel like I have to just smile and ignore it to keep the peace. The last time we stayed there he pissed me off something fierce – and if we did come stay for a long period of time over the holidays he would be there for some of that time. He’s always silent walking around in a bad mood, pacing and pouting about something. It really puts you on edge. It puts DH on edge. The last time I saw him which was about a month ago – the ogre was gone so people came to the house to play a game DH runs instead of going to another’s house. Within two minutes of the man being there he already pissed me off.

I don’t really like people getting touchy with me. I can take hugs. I can take, although they make me feel uncomfortable, kisses on the cheek from people. But this guy likes to um, eat your hair, pull on your hair etc. in affection. It gets on my nerves. Ok, I hate it. Especially with someone whom I don’t really like. But I go along with it and let him do whatever so there aren’t any hurt feelings/drama. He hangs all over DH and gives him kisses. It’s irritating. It’s irritated me for years and I made a stink about it once and made to feel bad about it. I just endure it now and avert my eyes. It’s not the gay thing that bothers me, it’s the fact I feel he’s still not over his crush of DH.

Anyway, last time I saw him when he came to the house I was going upstairs and gave him a hug as I was leaving. He started eating my hair again and we talked for a minute and I made a joke – which I and others and HE has made before with no issues. I told him that he really likes head huh? So he slapped me in the face then I went upstairs. I had to refrain from attacking him. The whole thing made me mad for so many reasons. First, the joke has been made as I said in the past with no malice with no issue and he always laughed. Second, I wouldn’t say anything I thought would offend him even though I don’t care much for him, he’s still DH”s friend. Third, slapping me was a bit overboard I think. He’s called me a bitch several times (in the guise of playful, but who knows. I just consider it’s in play) and I’ve never decked him. Fourth, then I feel I have no right to be made because I made a sex joke. Do I deserve the slap in the face? Who knows.

So, I don’t want to go to his place where it is nasty dirty, he’ll be there stressing DH and I out and making us feel unwelcome like he does. He always says we are welcome then treats us being there is an inconvenience. We always try to cook meals for him, clean up his apartment and buy groceries for him there but it’s not really enough.  So this is what I’m faced with, ask to stay over at dudes place or hang out here for a week. I’m not sure which is worse.

Another thing to factor in, DH’s sister will likely be over to visit the gran. That means if we are gone she WILL be in our room and so will the ogre. I’ve caught her on three separate occasions trying to get in our room (I was here upstairs being super quiet and she’s opened the door and come right in and got the surprise of her life. She turns right around and walks back out) and she’s stolen our baking sheets before. (And whatever else I don’t know about) So it’ll be the fun time of trying to hide our important papers and wondering what was stolen or rifled through while we were gone. I think the fact that even though I stay up in this room mentally I still don’t view it as safe. People still come in whenever they like and go through my things/steal them. It’s pretty much the worst feeling right now.

 

 

Misc Stuffs

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Yesterday I was rereading my post from that day and making some corrections – I hit “publish” and what happens? Nothing. I look down, the internet icon is gone. Then the computer shuts off a few seconds later. Oh yeah, the workman is flipping the breaker switches turning stuff on/off all over the house. Nevermind a courtesy knock letting me know they are doing that. I’m pretty much a non entity. So I didn’t come back and edit it yesterday nor post my next rant.

I think I should probably rename this blog to “My shit life” instead of “Shit my fil does”. I just rant about anything and everything anymore. But looking at it, it’s serving it’s purpose for the moment – the blog is for me to vent and air out my grievances. So, I guess if topics mingle, so be it.

DH and I made it down to the bank yesterday and were promptly told that they branch is too small to have someone evaluate us for a loan. We’d have to find a bigger branch or apply online. So he applied online and we were approved thankfully. 21.7% interest ha-ha. Oh well. Much better than the car loan I am still stuck to with my ex PA husband – 31%. I think most of it is due to DH having had no credit period, but would like him to get a credit score and info soon. So we were approved but they cannot give us the money until we sign papers and we must go to a bigger branch. The branch would only be 4 miles away but they can’t make us an appointment until the 27th at the earliest. During all this, I remember all the times in the US I’ve gone with people to buy cars/buy my own car and been out of the dealership with a car the same day with financing. I guess things work differently here 😦

Health wise I feel meh… I’ve had a urinary tract infection for three days now, now I am getting a bacterial infection places due to it. Hard to flush out your system -aka use the bathroom when he’s here. And right now I’m stuck up here with NO water again. There was a bottle but DH took it with him to work. Stupid’s bedroom door is open (it is always cracked when he is home) and his car is in the drive, but I’ve not heard anything for awhile… which makes me wonder. He was suppose to be leaving today for his mother’s house but as of three am (I was up sick until early hours last night) he was still up, so I have no idea what’s going on. Is he here or not? So, I’ll give it two more hours to make sure. I took out a roast last night to thaw in the bedroom so DH and I could have a nice dinner the day and a half the ogre will be gone. It’s thawed now… just sitting here until it can be put in the fridge.

DH has lucked out so far in that he’s not been asked about the courtesy car in the drive. Of course, now we go in pairs downstairs. I hate going downstairs with the ogre here but it is less bad if DH is with me. If I go down there the ogre will not talk to him. He’ll make a show of saying hi and excluding me, but that’s about it. At night we go to the bargain bin at Tesco to get food that is almost expired/they are going to throw out that is deeply discounted. We went the other night and DH left his keys inside. (He’s done this twice this week) He about lost it. So he had to ring the door bell and have the ogre let him inside. He grabbed the keys and as he went back into the rain the ogre asked him something like “Oh, are you off?”  DH said yes and ran back to the car. The ogre stood there in the doorway with his arms crossed looking irritated and watched us for the two minutes it took us to get out of the driveway and turned around. (Lots of neighbor cars parked horribly here to navigate) I’m not sure if he thought he was going to ask DH about the car just then to sate his curiosity or what. But DH is not standing in the rain to talk about it. So, that was mildly creepy. I hate anytime he stands in the doorway with his nasty glare or peeks out at the blinds at us as we are leaving. It’s like a scene out of a horror movie.

I still never figured out what the fix it man did in the bathroom. All I can tell you is it looks like he pulled out the bathtub and replaced it/ did something with the pipes. I thought maybe he came to fix the tub as it doesn’t really drain anymore, but I guess not… as it still doesn’t really drain. The ogre had some wall lamps ripped out and new ones put in, he also hired the man to plug in the new tiny fridge (I forgot to mention the ogre got rid of the fridge we were using two weeks ago. So we had to put our things in his fridge. That’s a horror story in itself) he purchased and slide it into place. That was 8 hours of work right there.

During this DH comes home and sees that his plastic three shelved roly bin is out in the hallway now. He rolls it back into the guest bedroom. (The ogre told DH to take the bin upstairs about two weeks ago because it was downstairs… in a room no one uses, bothering no one – clearly it was in the way. As we don’t have room in here, DH stuck it in his late mom’s room/guest bedroom. It was not in the way there either.) Instead of saying anything about the bin, Ogre rolled it out into the hallway. DH of course saw it rolled out there and rolled it back in. Then Ogre found it rolled back in to the room and  was steamed. He then came knocking on the door and told DH to put it in his room, DH said – we don’t have room in here for it, can we put it in X’s room? (X being DH’s sister who moved out a year ago but left her room in a hoarder situation – shit from wall to wall piled everywhere. She’s not been here in that room for about a year. I am contemplating getting a pic and post it here) NO! We cannot place it that room, in which no one is using. We MUST put it in our room. Ok, fine, whatever. It’s in the room now.

(More about the guest room in next post)

So even less room in here now. This was my night last night: Feel sick, get up from bed – step on random shit on floor. There is stuff piled around the edge of the bed by about a foot. So to get into bed you have to step over/launch yourself into bed.  Getting out of bed isn’t that easy, you can’t see where the junk/begins or ends. Then coming in I whacked my foot good on a hard plastic carrying case of DH’s. I repeated this several times last night. I’m really tired of just turning around in this room and knocking shit over. DH is still sick (now over 3 weeks) and thought he was running a fever, which he was. To get to the damn thermometer it took me five minutes of moving boxes and laundry baskets and misc shit so I could open a drawer and get to it. So tiring.

Speaking of thermometers, I have a short ogre thermometer story. When I first came here years ago DH got sick. He felt really hot and I was sure he was running a temperature. He told me to check the bathroom cupboards to see if they had one, they didn’t. It was dark outside and at that time I had issues with getting lost going to stores. (I know! I have a great story for one time.) The ogre said he was going to the store so I asked if he could pick one up. He said sure. FIVE HOURS later… the man finally goes to the store. I kept wanting to ask him to hurry up, but didn’t want to be rude. Later I found out this is how he works. Oh, his disabled wife is hungry? He’ll feed her in a bit… FIVE HOURS later he makes her a bowl of soup after being constantly reminded. So he finally goes out and comes back… with no thermometer. Was the store out of them? Nope! He said it was X price so he didn’t buy it. I don’t recall at that time if I offered him money upfront or not, but I was willing to pay the price and more for the damned thing. And who really doesn’t buy one when their own kid is sick anyway? I was so boggled and pissed… but now I know, this is how he is.

 

 

 

 

Further car woes and what is going on in the bathroom?

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DH asked me yesterday, “Did you use my towel?” It’s times like this where you can only shake your head. I went out and quickly felt DH’s towel… DH had come home from work in the afternoon and the ogre had just bathed and left recently. You know, the man who doesn’t use soap, toilet paper and leaves shit chunks in the bath? Well he used DH’s towel, it was almost soaked. No matter the man has his own towel he keeps on the radiator in the bathroom. I swear..

More drama with the car company. We were suppose to get the car on Monday at 4. That was the time we were told, then DH was asked if he is going to get the car at the time and pay the full amount. DH says no, we put a down payment and we were told we can finance for 12 months. The piece of paper said how much our payment was per month – 159. Well, they thought we were coming in to pay cash. All these time and they didn’t set it up to get financing approved. So we told them we were supposed to have financing, they asked around with loan companies and got a quick answer (which is funny for another reason) and it was not what we were wanting to hear – So when we found this out yesterday at about 3 we had to race down to the bank to see about a loan. Oh yeah, we found out DH’s bank closes at 3:30 everyday. These are not just holiday hours. And two things – we get in the courtesy car to go and the display screen says: “Fuel too low”. Remember how I just had a rant about DH doing this? I realise he was going to return that car today but he could have put more fuel into the tank. All I could think of was us damaging the courtesy car by blowing the engine or something due to no fuel. That steamed me up. Then it began downpouring, so we had to walk to the bank and cross the street which everyone (at least while we were waiting for the cross walk light to blink green) zoomed by spraying us with muddy water. By the time we got to the bank the door was locked but still people inside. What a day.

Today we will be racing back to the bank when DH gets off work. I should have been ready already but I am not. I haven’t been able to access the bathroom today. Why? Well all I know is I hear the voice of the workman that the ogre hires from time to time. You know, the slow as treacle or molasses one? The one who took a month to hang new doors on existing cabinet frames? That guy. The same guy who takes two week extra on every job he does here. Well, he’s been in the bathroom for the last hour banging and hammering. I have no idea. I just know we are probably f-d on using the bathroom for the next couple days. Glad someone told us… oh WAIT no one did… like always.  What’s this? The ogre is going away for two days? Good time to have yet more repairs that won’t inconvenience him, only us.

DH doesn’t want me to join him in counselling

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DH has been going to conselling for a few weeks. As I’ve said before he’s not even spoken to the counseller yet about the issues he is going for because she did an intake and he told her about the issues here with the ogre. So basically as far as working on the real issues why he’s there is halted, there is too much shit to talk about concerning the ogre that they must go through that. As always I feel like our live/relationship is in limbo. He told me last time he went about 2 weeks ago that the counseller asked if I would like to come along. I guess she asked DH who I have to talk to about the ogre traumas and he said nobody. So she suggested that I could come along and possibly get a referral down the road that way.  So for two weeks I thought I was going to the next appointment. I ask DH if I am going along and nothing… dead air, then the topic is changed. The same thing he does when he doesn’t want to give an answer that is basically”no”.  I sat around a bit irritated then finally asked him if he wanted me to go or not? I know the counseller asked him if I wanted to come and he relayed the message and I said I would come, but I guess I never asked him if he’d like me to. He told me that the thought of having me come gives him a lot of anxiety but he doesn’t know why. So this is the part where I list a few things seeing if that could be the reason why, he says no then assures me he doesn’t know what the reason is then I drop it. Then in a couple days we’ll have the convo again probably where he lets me know he really did know the answer but didn’t want to tell me. It’s like we have this little routine we do. Usually it’s him making up a convoluted story, then he comes and tells me he lied to me.

Which, sadly is an improvement from earlier in our relationship where he would make up such retarded lies then never tell me the truth, I would have to find out. I remember one time he lied to me and told me he had to take his parents to the golf club then got so sick on the way home he had to pull over and throw up and then spend the rest of the day in bed. Mind you I was 5,000 miles away at this point.  That was his reasoning why I couldn’t get a hold of him on skype. Nope. Really about 2 hours after we patched up an arguement (about some rotten shit he did earlier, I gave in and forgave him. He said I had to forgive him now or else that was it, he was going to put me out of his mind and move on. I couldn’t have a day to be mad about it.) he had some lady friend over while his parents were gone who he has said he’d like to have sex with, then proceeded to ignore me on skype for the next 12 hours. Did they have sex or mess around? who knows. All I know is I can’t be around that lady period.  The thought of it sends me through the roof. I honestly just want him to end the friendship with her, it makes me that sick. But then again, I’d be the old nagger.

Sometimes I just want to be alone. I’m so tired of the bullshit. I pray I can find a job soon. If anything to get out of the house. I’ve hit rock bottom here with the ogre abuse and I feel like I’m getting strength back in my legs to do what I need to do, if even a little at a time.

Anyway, so I have no idea why he doesn’t want me at counselling. I have lots of ideas running through my head. Part of me feels really hurt, but there I am again thinking this is probably my fault when really it’s probably his. Maybe he’s putting on a story for the counseller and I might come in and expose him, who knows. which a compulsive liar it is hard to know.

The car died and there goes our savings

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The last two weeks have been something. Some of my frustrations is from an activity not many would really understand the ins and outs of, but basically its part of an online community. I’ve had to waste at least 12 hours of my time dealing with a former member who was abusive/harrassing members who duped us twice into accepting him back in the fold under the guise of him being a different person. When I say different, I don’t mean changed. I mean they faked their identity. So, in my spare time – hobby, I’ve had to deal with another complete nutcase.

The second thing that has gone all wrong this week has been the car. It was in the shop four times in the last, now month and a half. Well, the car started acting up yet again. This time we were told it was the head gasket and that we could stick another 500+ pounds into it to repair it for find another car. We have stuck enough money in this car this year on various repairs and tires to have bought another second hand car. So, DH wanted to get a new car, which was fine. Well, I should say a new to us car. The last few days have been filled with DH unable to go to work = loss of money (plus they are giving him fewer hours now)and  his work being pissy assholes about the whole situation. I’ve learned a few things over the last couple days: car companies in the UK at least dealerships will NOT recommend used car places to customers – even if you are not buying anything. I don’t know if it’s policy or what. Finding used car companies here isn’t the easiest. Small businesses die quickly and it seems most don’t even have a website or do much advertising nor are listed in the phone book. What’s the next best thing? Word of mouth right… when we check the big dealerships for used cars why not see if they know of any smaller places or any places really they could tell us of? Nope. What you get is places that refuse to tell you of any place. Maybe another employee knows or the manager? They won’t go ask them and they assure me NO ONE in their place of employment knows of any other dealerships or independent places. Um ok. That was a  peugeot dealership by the way. Can’t say I’d recommend them…heh.

We went to a used car place – they showed us the car for two minutes – not telling us any details of the car – it’s more here, look at the outside. DH had not even looked on the inside before we were asked if we wanted the car. I said  we’d have to test drive it before making a decision. Man wants to know if we are interested in buying before the test drive. Then I tell DH I’m a bit worried buying such a tiny car that if he gets in a wreck that the engine will be right on his lap. Car salesman tells me it has excellent side impact stuff. Except I didn’t say the side, salesman dismisses what I said.  I tell the salesman we’d like to know about the car before making a decision (duh) like the mileage, previous history etc… you know stuff before you say you’ll buy it? In the end we left, the car was over our budget and the guy was annoying and not helpful.

We decide to look at another used car place so DH calls them up, apparently they don’t have a lot but rather they sell them from their home. OK. We drive all the way over with the car nearly overheating and the man isn’t there at the time we were told to meet him. He was at home, then left… I guess, then told us it would be 30 minutes before he got there and to look at the cars. (Honestly I don’t think the guy lived in that area) So we look at the cars which are all parked on a back alley near a train track. And they are all unlocked… just sitting there. They are in terrible condition. One has the c. converter welded on with a coat hanger, the car is saturated from a leak and it must have been in a wreck because we can’t get the hood open as it’s buckled. I would be surprised if the hood didn’t come flying off while driving one day. Mirrors are torn off.. and the most unusual thing…the title/registration/whatever the hell it’s called in this country is ripped up and pieces of it is scattered inside and under the floor mats. WTF. I think, are these cars even legal? Would we get forged documents?? It was all a little weird so we left post haste.

We went back to the first dealership (There were others farther away but likely we would break down going that far)and ended up getting a car about 2500 more than we had budgeted for. Ha-ha, I said budgeted, we had no budget for this. Then we were told we could have it the next day… we put money down and then found out that even though we were told how much the payment plan would be we weren’t actually approved yet. That’s right, tell people the car will be ready tomorrow then the loans not approved yet.. sigh. I swear. So now we have a courtesy car (thankfully so DH can work at least 2 days this week) So maybe Monday now… In all fairness the man working on our deal has been really nice and accommodating, but maybe they just do things differently here. So we must wait on the loan and for them to check the car out, because when we took it for a test drive last night it wouldn’t start, they had to jump it. Which just makes me cringe.  So, we’ll see. There goes our savings and here comes a car loan for the next year. What can you do? It’s almost like the final straw. No money to move out and unless a miracle happens we won’t be able to save enough for the visa next year 😦  I’ve been so emotionally wrecked the last few days.

I have learned a few things about DH – well, I knew this before… due to the life he’s lived the last 10 years taking care of his mom and not really able to do much on his own due to finances and living situation, DH knows little about how the world works. Expats that come over have their spouse to hold their hand and guide them as they learn about the new culture and how things are done – anything – from dealing with the council to how to catch a bus. I don’t. My husband doesn’t know how to do any of this and therefore can pass no information on to me. I feel completely on my own sometimes. My husband has no life experience.  Another thing, anything bad happens DH shuts down. He cannot function. I have to tell him what to do or he will just sit there and stare out the window and cry.  And I can’t tell him a list of things to do in order either or that puts his anxiety through the roof. I can’t say call your work and tell them you cannot cover this shift due to the car issue, then see if your insurance covers a courtesy car in the meantime – do this soon because it takes awhile to get answers/stuff done. Nope. That just adds to the breakdown. I have to tell him, ok, go call your work. Then remind him again once he’s put it off. then we he’s done we can go on to calling the insurance place about the courtesy car.  My husband is a mess when it comes to things.

As we were cleaning out the car, I found an invoice from feb where the car place that did the MOT (inspection) wrote down there was an oil leak and other advisories. Did DH read or ask about it when he was there? Nope. He stuck it away in the glove box and I never saw the paper until now. That oil leaked for at least 7 months before it was attended to. I even pointed out the leak a few months before we did something with it – as that’s when I first noticed it gunking up the driveway. If he had just read it on the service report we could have gotten it taken care of! Next thing on the sheet – they couldn’t test for juttering on the car due to the low amount of fuel. First, that would have possibly caught the issue we’ve been having for months, second he didn’t read that they didn’t perform the test, third I’ve told him a dozen times to keep the car above E, it is only going to suck up the grot and any rust in the tank and have it running through his engine which can cause damage. Nope. I am dumb. It took the mechanic last time saying it for him to start having it fuller. (And that is on occasion!!) Sometimes this life feels like an uphill battle and he is not helping. I told him I will be taking control of more things now. I can’t not. I thought having him handle “life”things would make him more vocal and have more self esteem about things but it’s not. And yes, I’m angry. There are more things I’m angry about. LIke the fact every time the car gets cleaned out its by me. And DH eats in the car for work and never takes out garbage. There were 31 bottles of soda and water in the back seat alone and food wrappers everywhere. There was even a rotting sandwhich in the back. I realise everyone has their own idea of clean – personally I was the weirdo that would not eat in my car, checked my car daily for dents/dings, washed, polished the leather, did the tire shine etc weekly. I was that person. I don’t expect DH to be like that, but damn the filth in that car is ridiculous….disgusting. I told him already he is NOT doing that to this new car. We’ll see. I asked him to please put trash in the bag I provided for him in the other car and he never did… so you know, no real hope there.

The next day

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After sitting DH down and having a “discussion” (ha-ha! Takes two people talking to have one of those!) with him, the Ogre was back to pretending to be nice the next day. DH waited around to make food then finally gave up and went downstairs while the ogre was in the kitchen. The ogre had his extra nice act on and was asking DH “Do you need this space to cook in? Do you want me to move this pan? Do you want some parsley, I picked too much?”

It almost sounds like something a normal human being would say. Keyword: Normal. The ogre does not ask if you need things moved nor will move them for you. He could give a shit less. Infact he will try to take even longer in the kitchen or go at a snails pace just to be in your way! If you bluntly ask him when he’ll be done in the kitchen he’ll dance around the issue or tell you a certain time and still be in there an hour or two later! 

So DH curtly said No to his questions, made our ramen and came back upstairs. DH was also asked if he wanted any of the left over soup or tiramisu the ogre made for his dinner party. (At least DH said it was suppose to be tiramisu – it looked like someone threw up chocolate pudding in a fish bowl and covered it with melted chocolate and wads of coca dust.) This is after both cream filled items had been sitting out over a day and a half. Um, no thanks. Thankfully the ogre ate the entire tiramisu that night (A fish bowl about 8x6ish inches) so we never had to see that again. 

Nothing much else to report, same old…

We did have an amusing incident last night. The ogre apparently passed out on the toilet last nite and was asleep in the bathroom for around two hours. How did we know? By the snores…