Christmas

Yesterday’s fun time: DH looks for his house keys, it’s not downstairs on the side table where they always are and they aren’t upstairs. Where could they be? Oh, the ogre hid them in his office on the shelf… why? So DH is now bringing up his keys, we don’t need the keys going missing especially on a night he has to work. I swear…

Well, it’s six pm, I think Christmas for the most part is over. The ogre and his mom went to someone’s house to celebrate. What family member’s house they went to, we have no idea. Again, we were not told nor invited. We began to think that celebrations were being had here due to the ogre having five or six pans of vegetables out on the counter ready to cook last night. But nope, at noon they finally left along with the pans of vegetables. There is a ton of food sitting around – crackers, cheese, snack type things – so who knows what tomorrow will bring. But I was able to do the laundry, hang it up in the bedroom to dry and get my festive Christmas ramen. That is a win for the day. The rest of the day I was sick and slept off and on.

I see DH and I were able to avoid getting a stocking this year. Every year the ogre puts one outside of his door for Christmas morning. Last year we got a stocking with 2 cans of beans in it. This year I was curious as the gran is here. Will he try to make himself out as generous? Nope. No card nor stocking this year, which is a relief in a lot of ways. DH was smart this year and didn’t spend money on the ogre for a gift. Last year I begged him not to, but DH spent about 30 pounds on a gift for the ogre. Mind you, days before that the ogre treated DH terrible after his mom’s dead, excluded him, cut off his pay without notice and did not invite him to Christmas…yet DH bought him a box set of Black Adder. What did he get in return? Two cans of beans. We could have used the money for food. (At that time it was eat .03p cans of mushy peas to save money. Yes, at one point Tesco did stock .03p cans of peas!! Now I think they are .11p) But, back then DH was still… I don’t know how to say it nicely…so…stupid. He was hurt by his dad but yet went and bought a present I feel to try to win back the ogres…affection? Not that the man ever showed any. 

DH’s sister got him a gift and put it under the tree. God knows what that is, but we think it’s a tin of candy. I wonder if it’s like the candy she got him last year, you know that was probably regifted? It was given to him and the chocolates expired the next month lol! They didn’t taste that great either. The daughter got one gift for DH, one for the gran and three for the ogre. Suck up. We noticed the ogre put a Christmas bag under the tree with presents inside. No names on the presents though. One was easy to open so we opened it and resealed it out of curiosity. It was a box of chocolates that he was given during his dinner party a few weeks ago. I have to wonder if the obviously wrapped bottle of wine that is also in the bag is going to be the bottle of wine he was brought during that dinner party as well. I’d have to guess he’s inviting people over for a party and making a grab bag type thing. 

 

Even though I have the strength to make light or be deadpan about the situation it is still hurtful. Who wants to pack up their life move across the ocean just to witness abuse, be treated terribly, have their new “family” do the silent treatment for now a year and four months and be treated subhuman. No one. I had a dysfunctional family and have been abused: mentally, physically and sexually for thirty years by several different people – my mom, my stepdad, my sister, my ex husband and his family, various boyfriends now this. I used to see my mom pick losers and think to myself I don’t want to be like this – but all her losers were drunken violent men. I found one violent man and the first time he tried something on me I tossed him out and never spoke to him again. Never answered the door or phone when he came around. I thought losers were really visible – I never really thought about people who inflicted covert abuse. And with being codependent it makes it so much easier to constantly pick unknowingly someone who is abusive.

 I hate the situation here but I love DH. He is quite kind, caring and someone I feel has potential … probably because he too is codependent lol I however realize that if he does not change his ways – the lying, porn addiction, needing attention to feed his damaged self esteem from other girls that we are over. I understand that living with his dad has made him this way, that he is a product of his dad, but it does not make things easy. I’m constantly stuck between wanting to go and wanting to see if therapy makes a difference. I know DH will always be damaged like I am to some extent. 

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