Having just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship and was recovering I got involved with DH. As we were thousands of miles apart our relationship had to go a bit differently from others. We could only see each other so many times before we had to make a decision of whether or not to get married. I asked him outright if there were any psychological issues with his family. He assured me there was not. I also made it quite clear there is one thing in a relationship I will NOT tolerate – lying. Which he continues to do. His last lie was yesterday. I told him that I will start keeping track. You know the signs they have at constructions sites: X many days free of a work place injury? Well I’m going to post one of those on the door. X many days since he’s lied.
At the beginning of our relationship he said nothing was wrong. After a year of prodding him he’s admitted to having some unpleasant memories of his father. Now, 2.5 years in he has been telling me quite a few things this week involving his past. I hope they are not made up in attempts to garner sympathy. That will be the last straw. It’s hard to believe anything from him, he’s such a liar. If they are true then he had a really emotionally abusive childhood that he has been repressing for awhile. I won’t go into great detail what he told me, but he tells me these stories but then can’t remember what made him feel this way or do certain things. As an outsider listening its like he was conditioned as a child to act a certain way and it’s caused all sorts of havoc in his adult life. I will list two examples: Ogre only listened to classical music and that’s what DH thought he should ONLY listen to. He would hear songs on the radio or at school that he found likeable but as soon as he would hear the song or could hear the song lyrics in his head he would panic. He would try humming the classical song trying to get the pop song out of his head or else he felt bad. He thought liking these songs were wrong. Btw, the family here is not overtly religious, so that’s not it. Another one – he used to leave his window open at night and it would frighten him a bit, but he did it so monsters could take him away from this place. There are many other stories being told to me this week…and I’m really kind of shocked DH can’t figure out that something was wrong with his childhood. Granted he didn’t have to know what kind of loony his dad was, but there should be a feeling at least of – this does not feel right, maybe this is not right.
I don’t know… I had a talk with him about his facebook. He plays three different games at once and watches movies. This is his enjoyment time: Go to one webpage, click a billion times on the click game, go to next window a second later do the same thing, click to movie page, watch 5 seconds of it, go to other game do something for 5 seconds, rinse repeat. It’s like repetitive clicking is comforting or addicting. The act of it seems more of an addiction than actually enjoyment. I asked him why not concentrate on two things at once and spend time in your game instead of just seconds here and there for hours? I also asked him if he would put facebook on hold for the next week and try reading some of the stories on the Out of the Fog forums about covert abuse. So, we’ll see.
I wonder sometimes if there will ever be hope for DH to change. He’s told me stories before and when I’ve mentioned I thought it was messed up he’d fail to see what was wrong or downplay it. I hope he doesn’t downplay in his head these childhood stories he is telling me. Let me give you an example of a story he downplayed. He found a toad when he was younger and played around with it, he then left it with his sister (who is a carbon copy of the ogre) while he went into the house I think to get someone to come see the toad. He comes back and the toad is dead. In that short time his sister took something and smashed it to death. He does not see the disturbing part in this. The fact that within a short period of time his sister killed it. The fact that she had to have struck it multiple times to have killed it then showed no remorse supposedly.
Anyway… I have more jobs to apply to… there are actually a few IN town!