Misc Rants

I haven’t written in awhile – not much has changed though. We shifted a lot of things around the room along with building a new shelf (board from broken computer desk + bricks) and brought DH’s computer up. He is back to sleeping up here again. The first few nights he slept up here really annoyed me. I did not realize just how much he continually wakes me up during the night and that I don’t actually get a restful nights sleep! It’s just one of those things we will have to put on hold and solve later. It is not possible with the ogre to actually sleep separate and have some time alone without it being a problem. DH was I don’t want to say having a break down but a bit of a freak out that he couldn’t make a bowl of cereal in the morning before work and sit there and eat it without being harassed by the ogre.

I have a bit of good news and bad… DH put in for his holiday and had a week off. Although we are on the outs it was nice spending time together. The ogre was gone most of the day during that as well.  Bad news is… even though DH had his phone off for most of it when it was on his work called him no less than three times a day asking him to come in and work. Finally he gave up and canceled the rest of his holiday.  He has two weeks holiday left but it does not look like he will be able to take it as he only has November to take it (employees not allowed to take any in Dec) and apparently his work is falling apart. People walking out midshift, branches closing due to violations etc. His branch has many violations a week and we wonder when it too will close and he will be out of a job. So needless to say he is pissed and stressed about it and so am I. There is a lot more rotten things going on… but as this blog is just for PA crap I’ll skip it. 

The ogre is still not flushing the toilet. Now he has gone to putting the lid down and leaving it in there. What kind of a person does that? Who really wants to punish people by making them see their clumpy diarrhea everyday, sometimes multiple times a day? It takes a really sick person.

The ogre is still on a spending spree. DH and I got a Lakeland catalog (lots of cool kitchen gadgets/baking stuff) and I was flipping through it one day and said jokingly, “I want one of everything, no three even!” Joking aside, that is the ogre’s life. He buys two and three of everything and never uses them. The kitchen is almost now decked out and ready for show when his guests arrive, but who gives a shit if you have like 3 blenders?? 

Let’s see before DH brought his computer up he was sitting down at the dining room table and the ogre comes in. The ogre makes a big show of bringing boxes of light bulbs in and inspecting the lamp chandelier thing. DH told me and we couldn’t figure out what he was doing as none of the lights were blown out. We later figured it out. He was taking out the old still working bulbs and throwing them away because they were clear. He wanted bulbs that were white colored on the outside. Again, I don’t think his future dinner party guests will give a shit or even notice.

The ogre has ripped out most of his flowers and replanted them. That’s what he does, he buys plants and doesn’t take care of them just buys new ones. He bought all new indoor plants two weeks ago and they’ve all died again. I imagine there will be another round of plants bought before he has his dinner party.

The ogre has taken to collecting everything of DH’s that was downstairs by his computer and storage bins and placing them on the table. He’s not said a word to DH about it but it’s been stacked there over a week now.  We do NOT have room for any of that upstairs… so I have no idea what to do with the stuff. As it is now you have to climb on the bed and exit from another side to get to other parts of the room because there isn’t walking room. Anyway, the ogre has taken to putting his stuff in piles and has things like dirty folded up paper towels on top of the pile for him to take up….wtf?

I had the pleasure of meeting the ogre in the hallway as I finished making dinner the other night. He was gone and came home just as I was exiting the kitchen. He would not go about his business but rather I had to walk right by him and go up the stairs to the bedroom with him standing at the bottom of the stairs with that glare on his face watching me the entire time. Creep.  

DH was in a foul mood last night. He came home from work after 10 and made some microwaveable wontons (or whatever they were, some asian food we found on the just expiring food discount rack for .30) It wasn’t much to eat and he was still hungry. He waiting forever to go make them – listening to make sure the ogre was not in the kitchen so he could try to avoid it. As soon as he goes down for the five minutes it takes the ogre hears someone coming down the stairs and immediately questions DH what he is doing. DH was so worked up last night over the ogre bugging him in the kitchen and the fact that he was still hungry and DH didn’t want to run into him again so he said F it. I told him I would go down and get him a bowl, spoon and glass of milk so he could have cereal at least. (we keep the cereal in the room so the ogre doesn’t eat it up) I come back up and he eats the cereal then we look in the cup I brought the milk up in. It was a coffee cup. I don’t use the regular glasses because the ogre will use them and find it acceptable to just rinse the glass out and never put any soap on it or wash where his lips have been. (Which I’ve seen lots of people do that here, maybe it’s a British thing. God, who knows.) So, those glasses are never safe. The coffee mug however apparently had been washed previously in the dishwasher. 

I don’t know why the dishwasher is even used. Most of the dishes come out dirtier than when they went in.  When the ogre (although rarely) puts the dishes away from there he never looks to see if they are clean. So this mug had shit all inside of it – the left over milk had a bunch of shit floating in it. Then I get mad at myself. Because I should have known better. I can’t just grab a cup or bowl or plate here without two things going through my mind – did the ogre wash this (another horror story in itself) or is this from the dishwasher where it will have shit stuck on it?

Overall I have been feeling a lot less stressed (although it is creeping back) the last two weeks. I think some of it is because DH was off work. As soon as he comes home for lunch or when he gets home in the evening he immediately starts on about every little piece of his day. Every interaction every stressful thing… and this is within two minutes of coming in. This goes on well into the night. He’ll remember things and bring them up. I like hearing about his day but it’s like a tidal wave of stress then I have to deal with the stress from the ogre. I told DH last year when he was taking care of his mom that I couldn’t handle hearing about every little thing his dad did it was stressing me out too much. He took total offense to it and was pissy. So now I just let me off load it all on me. I wish there was a happy medium.

DH is going to his first therapy appointment tonight. I doubt he will tell the counselor all the issues. Is that bad of me to say that? Considering he couldn’t even tell the GP who made the referral exactly what the real issue was. One of the things he is going for is a disgusting compulsion I can tell he got from the ogre.  We were watching Judge Judy one day on tv and a child had the same issue. She said that it wasn’t normal and something fucked up must have happened in that kids life for them to start doing that. I wonder just what caused DH to start doing those things. Whatever it is I hope it stops. I have not wanted to kiss him for almost two years now because I’m so ungodly disgusted over it. 

Sometimes I go back and read through what I write and think – my god. What a fucked up life. Then I think, oh wait 90% of my fucked up life I don’t type here. Talk about feeling pathetic.

8 thoughts on “Misc Rants

  1. I just don’t have words for how sorry I am that you are living this nightmare. I wish you strength and luck. Will your hubby get cash since he can’t take his holiday off? If so, would it be enough to get you two moved away from his monster of a father?

  2. What a completely awful situation. I’m struggling to understand why you and your husband are still together. It sounds like your relationship has basically broken down, and if so… why are you still there in that poisonous household? I can maybe see suffering through it if you and your husband are madly in love with each other, but… it doesn’t sound like you are. What are your thoughts on this?

    • It’s really hard to explain without writing a novel, so bare with me please 🙂 When we got together we were very much in love. Then I feel all the events of the house has made DH and I depressed. Every aspect of our life I feel has been in limbo the last 2.5 years, I feel we cannot move forward and do normal “life” things. To put it bluntly – a lot of it is due to the way DH didn’t realize his dad was PA/NPD and let himself be sucked in to being used and abused for 10 years – which made him screwed career/school wise/financially. If this didn’t happen I feel things would be a lot different/easier. Part of the limbo issue is also due to immigration,it is very much about finances. We need a certain amount in savings by next year and monthly for a half year before applying for another visa. So we cannot move out and “continue” on with our lives until job wise/savings wise we can afford to move out/stay moved out and have that required savings. So much complicated crap helping to hinder us.

      I love my DH, I do feel at times the relationship is broken down to a point. I have to think about things really hard to decide whether or not the problems in our relationship are truly “us” problems or problems spawning from living here in this situation. Most of the time it is from living here. I think we are not truly unhappy being around each other but rather just being grouchy from being here and taking it out on each other. That is not saying that DH does some things that piss me off or upset and hurt me and our relationship. I guess I figure we went through hell to even be approved for my visa to be here it would be a shame if we gave up on our marriage because we would not have a second chance at it. I would not be able to come back here and try my relationship with him again.

      So, the limbo feeling again. I feel a lot of our personal problems are on hold until we move out. When we move out either we will sink or swim. Hopefully swim.

      • I guess when I think of your awful situation, it’s kind of heartbreaking that for some reason (a kind of punishment? you keep mentioning boundaries, but I don’t understand that) you and your DH don’t sleep together. In my life, the absolute best part of every single day is climbing into bed and wrapping my arms around my partner. It’s just so comforting, relaxes me and makes me forget about the crappy parts of my life. With all the shite in your life, it would seem that you guys neeeeed that you-and-me-against-the-world kind of closeness and comfort to try to hold this thing together until you can escape from this hell on earth.

        On a slightly different note… have either of you checked to see how much in tax credits your husband could be entitled to? Look here: http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm

        And I really, truly hope things get better very soon.

    • For some reason I’m not getting the option to directly reply to your last post…so I’m afraid it will be a bit jumbled. :/ I’m afraid I don’t understand your question/part, about not understanding the boundaries and sleeping apart thing. Could you clarify a bit more so I can reply as I don’t want to misunderstand you. Yes, we slept apart for about three weeks. DH has some self destructive (his words and I agree) tendencies that have been putting our relationship in jeopardy for a long time. Sending him to sleep on the couch isn’t punishment it was more that I did not want to share a bed with him. I needed my space for awhile. He tends to feel that if I am not yelling at him then everything is A-OK in our relationship when it is not. I can mention I am mad but after a day or so he is back to thinking things are fine. It is easy to be mad about a problem and just let it get pushed to the back burner because all of the problems we have here with the ogre.

      We rarely get the luxury of having time or energy to deal with the “us” issues. So, these destructive problems have been going on for years with no resolution. Having him downstairs on the couch was letting him know we need these problems fixed now or else we will further deteriorate. I guess it’s like making a stand, like how one spouse will “always change” but doesn’t until the other spouse shows they are not willing to take it anymore and starts moving out. I hope that makes sense. I hope that answered your question.

      I agree waking up with your partner is a nice thing. I don’t mind waking up next to him, its just not sunshine and rainbows like it used to be when we woke up next to each other due to how we both feel a bit numb right now. I agree we both need to hold tight and stand tall against the constant horse shit going on here. We are usually a united front. I just worry the bond we have now will turn into another – not as lovers but (I forget what they call it) when people bond from being in traumatic situations together. I hope that doesn’t happen. :/

      Thank you for the link, but I believe that my husband is not allowed any tax credits at this time due to the terms of my visa. As far as I know we are not allowed tax credits, any sort of monetary assistance, government assistance, housing, etc. This would change after my next visa in over a years time. Not that I am saying I’d run out and get on the dole – but just saying there are some terms that we must follow for now.

      • I don’t think that your DH claiming tax credits will affect the terms of your visa, as long as he isn’t claiming joint credits for you. I don’t think it’s classed as a ‘benefit’. Check with the opinion-givers over at UKY, maybe?

      • Ok, I will PM someone on there in the know and ask before I delete my account. I have not been on the site for weeks. I have been meaning to log in there at some point and delete my user account. I don’t really feel like I fit in with that community at this time in my life – because of the way things are in life right now. Everyone has their problems but mine always seem to be the knock the wind out of you and make people uncomfortable reading about them type of problems. My posts have just turned into being desperate and whiny and I feel I am bringing people down who read them. So I may rejoin at another time in the future when things get better in my life.

  3. Thanks 🙂 No, I’m afraid it wouldn’t be enough to move us out and keep us moved out. With his pay we can barely keep above water. No luck on the job front for me yet 😦 I keep getting played I feel by employment agencies. One job they offered me and I had to decline as we’d have to move country – although only about 400 miles away but I reconsidered and contacted the lady back and she said the job was now taken although she has been newly advertising for the same exact job (and it’s only one opening) on linked in for a month now. I don’t get it. DH is going to talk to a friend of his in the care industry and try to get a job at his company. It would be with combative clients but I think it’s a more stable company.

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